Commence the Lightening

I started writing yesterday because I meant to start on Monday but Monday got away from me for no significant reason like most days do lately and then even though I started yesterday my brain got weird and I had to scrap it. I'll explain. I was trying to find something hilarious to say about my reaction to a video but I wasn’t sounding hilarious. I sounded bitter… sort of? Definitely negative and overall kind of bratty. Which is really the reason I’ve been meaning to start writing again. My attitude has shifted to a yucky place and I need to get some perspective on all the shit that’s knocking around in my headspace and this is the best way to keep track. If my mother were still around I know I would have heard at least one uttering of, “Jesus Christ, Silver, lighten up” in recent months. And the lightening shall commence.

So the video I mentioned is on a website of someone who was a guest on a podcast I listen to. She was saying some truly outlandish shit on said podcast and I decided I needed to investigate further because I’ve got way too much time on my hands. This chick was talking about remote viewing and traveling the astral plane and evidently there’s some kind of Galactic Federation she’s involved with among all manner of other completely off the wall stuff which I found head-turningly fascinating. On her website she’s got a ton of videos, one of which was titled “Activate Your Starseed Mission” for real and I thought, I’m feeling a little adrift, let’s see what this is about and I was kind of tuned in until she started talking about manifesting abundance and I suddenly felt violently annoyed. Like, I’m on board with your talking to interdimensional creatures but manifesting abundance is a bridge too far. Hmm. So, I’m not sure a therapist would even be able to help me at this point is what I’m saying.

I was all, “manifest abundance???!!!” Who even DOES that in real life?! What a crock of shit! When did that hippie bullshit invade the landscape anyway, was it The Secret when that came on the scene? I don’t remember anybody talking about manifesting abundance when I was growing up, this is ridiculous. And then I thought, wow, maybe if you really sat down and focused on manifesting abundance and creating joy, you’d actually have some? Jesus Christ, Silver, lighten up. Something like that. And that’s when I realized I’ve been pretty in denial about how negative I’ve become and I’m sure everyone else has noticed it and they’re just being nice by not saying anything hoping that I’ll get over it eventually. So, yowza, sorry for that y’all.

I remember when I was in therapy after my divorce and I was bitching about how people say things like decluttering and cleaning your space helps you feel less stressed out and how that was total garbage and my therapist said, “Why don’t you try it and see if it works?” I replied, “Really? Folding the laundry is the pathway to inner peace? [eyeroll]” She shrugged and said, “Give it a shot.” And I folded the laundry. And I felt better. And slightly annoyed that it worked. But still better.

So maybe that’s what’s going on with the manifesting abundance thing and creating joy and feeling gratitude and all that. I’ve tried gratitude journals in the past but I felt like I was making shit up because I kind of was and I didn’t really feel that grateful about anything although I probably should have. Definitely should have.

See, I’ve been unemployed since the end of January which accounts for all the free time to listen to conspiracy podcasts and go down internet rabbit holes about new agey bullshit which may or may not be bullshit but it’ll certainly get some people to question your sanity if you bring it up. So I don’t. But I still listen and do cursory research on things like crystals and chakras and vibrational frequency instead of networking and finding a job. I’ll figure out the job thing soon because I have to but I have no idea what that’s going to look like. People ask, “What do you do?” for obvious reasons and I’m to the point now that I’m kind of stumped how to answer. I have a history in sales, although I feel like I’m only okay at it and I can’t handle working on commission alone. I have a history of non-profit fund-and-awareness raising but seeing all the billions of dollars our government is sending to other parts of the world, I have a hard time reconciling begging people to donate $500 or whatever amount to some charitable organization when I feel like if our tax dollars were used better, that cause wouldn’t even be a thing. Like homeless veterans, for example, that should not be a thing. I have experience as an administrative assistant, but that means being stuck in an office all day and the prospect of that just bums me out.

I have about as much faith in online job searching as I do in online dating, which I thankfully don’t need to do. The dating I mean, not the job searching. The job searching is fake though and I’ve sent in so many applications and gotten so many non-responses; like most of the time no reply at all which is baffling and disheartening to the point I quit looking. And now it’s back to networking and “What do you do?” or worse, “What do you want to do?” I want to win the lottery is what I want to do. I want to be independently wealthy and focus on making bread and organic hand cream and gardening and watching the bird feeders on my front porch.

And that’s how I got to this grumpy place I guess. I’m frustrated at myself for not knowing the thing that brings me joy and pays the bills at the same time. I thought I’d have had it all figured out by now, I mean by this point in my life, not just this far into my joblessness. Maybe beginning to focus on that hippie bullshit will bring some clarity to my situation. Meditation, mindfulness, all that zen stuff, there’s gotta be a horse in here somewhere.

Brain Dump

If I were the person who has already figured out how to get what I am aiming for, then my life would look busy and productive and much more full of smiling. But apparently, that doesn't mean I don't deserve some smiling in the meantime. I have feelings about that but I'll leave them be for now.

I have to elevate myself to a higher frequency in order to attract higher frequency things. Living at a lower frequency only begets the same. So the idea is to act as if I've already got the life that I am aiming for and let the rest of it fall into place.

Make the calls as if I'm a seasoned agent whose purpose is to help people with all things real estate related. Need a contractor? Sure. Need a home valuation? I'm here for you. Need an invitation to a party? I can probably figure something out.

I feel more optimistic than not. It's going to be a rough couple of weeks until the tax refund comes back but knowing that it's on the horizon is a huge weight lifted. Warnie will be going to ECU in the fall. We just have to arrange his orientation and some of the other minutiae around that in the next month or so. And I have to deal with the constant spontaneous tears each time I think about him going away for real. I don't know why I'm still surprised by how emotional I get thinking about this when I was a complete and total wreck as early as pre-school graduation.

Still wrapping my head around the everyday stuff. I can't wait until these writings become more funny and philosophical.

Less Than Perfect

I don't know what made me think of it like this but it occurred to me recently that if I were looking at my life like it was a movie, then I would be rooting for myself to make a lot of the leaps of faith I've been too nervous to attempt from this side of the screen.

If I change the perspective and think about it like it's an audience vote and fears be damned, I am bound by some contract to do the actions that have been chosen then I would definitely take the chances I've been talking myself out of for so long.

Because right now I think the audience would be yelling at the screen in frustration.

There are some areas where I know I'm making progress, but there are others that I'm having a really hard time getting through and it's hard being forgiving of some of these lapses in concentration because I really do know better but I'm doing the opposite anyway. It's a process. It's a journey. whatever.

I feel like some days I'm walking up the down escalator.

Correcting Course

Holy Mother of Cow, what was I saying about sabotage? I skipped two days. TWO. GAH. I didn't mean to though, they just kind of got away from me. But that's the thing about drift. It's not a sharp turn, it's just a slight veer off track and the next thing you know, you've accidentally landed back on the road to nowhere.

Correcting course.

Soevidently, it's not just beer I'm having a reaction to. Seems to be that all alcohol is the issue at the moment. I know this because I experimented this weekend and then last night at bowling. Last night the congestion set in again and it was not the easiest thing to breathe. So back to the original plan of no alcohol for the time being. I don't think this is going to be a permanent deal, but I feel like there's probably something going on with my liver that needs to be reset. According to google, there's an enzyme that's supposed to break this down and it doesn't seem to be functioning properly. But it's not like it's genetic or anything so I think I just need to seriously detox and see if that helps.

The best part about all this is that I can forgive myself my transgressions here because it's all part of a larger learning process! I think.

In other news, my neighborhood has a Book Club. It started out at as more of a Women's Group that would do random activities around the area once a month. I went for the first few times for the social aspect, then I stopped going because I forget why and then somewhere along the way when I did go back, it turned into a book club. I went to a couple of the meetings thinking it would be like what my friends and I call "book club" which is really just sitting around catching up over some drinks. But nope. For Real Book Club and I felt kind of stupid when they asked me about what I thought of the book and I couldn't do anything but shrug and smile. So I checked this month's book out at the library yesterday for the next meeting in a couple of weeks. I figure since I need to get back into the networking, I may as well bring some legitimacy.

I'm still feeling pretty chaotic though. I need to settle down and center. Even writing right now my brain is all over the place. I have written and deleted at least four paragraphs here because they're completely disjointed.

Breathe.

View From Under the Wagon

Okay, so I skipped Day 3. But it made me aware of a few things. I had an idea for a post in my head all day, I just didn't make the time to write it out. Which makes me know that this is a good experiment with which to continue. The writing has helped keep things in focus and get me more motivated. Granted, that motivation was to clean the house to an acceptable level for guests since one of the kids was having a friend ride the bus home and I had to get out to work and writing fell by the wayside...but I was still thinking about it the whole time I was cleaning and wishing that I could do more than one thing at a time.

I also skipped Day 3 on the No Alcohol goal. Which was sort of unintentional and sort of willful disobedience at the same time? I was abstinent for the first part of the evening and then when we got to our dinner spot, the bartender had already opened 2 beers before I could ask for water instead. Twist my arm. I ended up having 4.

And then regretted it shortly after because I started getting congested during dinner and overnight could barely breathe I was so stuffy. And itchy. And generally miserable. So I googled and while I don't think it's a true allergy to beer, there's definitely some kind of intolerance. That makes it super easy to avoid in the future because holy shit that sucked out loud. I'd been congested and sneezy and all that before but I figured it was due to seasonal allergies. Then everything cleared up while I was on the wagon. Then 20 minutes after falling off? Respiratory mayhem. so yeah. there's that.

But what I was going to write about yesterday was that no one can sabotage you without your permission. When I went out to our regular restaurant on Day Two and wasn't having a beer, I got the record scratch reaction of, "What?! Why not? What's wrong?" and I mentioned it was an experiment and pH levels and whatnot and after loads of advice about drinking lemon water and Apple Cider Vinegar and "Just one or two should be okay, right?" I stood firmly on my own two feet and said, "Yeah, it should but I already do that and it's not working. Hence this experiment. I'm just testing to see what happens."

But I could have very easily thought, "You know, to hell with all the research and effort I've put into this so far. I probably don't know what's best for me anyway. I'll just listen to everyone else and then wonder why things aren't improving." Because I've done that in the past. Such a cop-out. But it's not like they sabotaged my efforts without my consent. Nobody cut my brake lines or poisoned my food. They just reinforced my negative self-talk and I let that get the better of me.

I'm not in that same head space this time.

Day Two

So here we are at Day Two In a Row! Holy cow, I wasn't sure I'd ever see this again.

I've been helping Pete build a shed this week. And by "shed" I mean "tiny house." This thing is massive as far as sheds go. It's only 10'x12' but it's about 2 feet off the ground and has a full second story complete with pull-down stairs. I haven't been much practical use like I haven't made any cuts on the saw or been permitted to operate the air hammer but I've been doing my best to be a helper. I'm basically whatever the construction equivalent is to an ER nurse. I've even applied bandages (not to myself thankgoodness. yet, anyway.)

So that's been, I don't know, fun? I guess? It's something active and I enjoy working outside and helping as much as I can. With a financial gap on the horizon until I get my tax refund back, I figure this is the least I can do to contribute.

I still need a name for the golf tournament and wonder if I should put that to a facebook vote. But so far I only have 2 choices: Just the Tips Golf Classic, and Par Tee Golf Classic. I'm struggling because I don't want it to be too fraught with innuendo so that it's tough to get Sponsors, nor do I want it to be too tied to the school 1) for liability purposes, and 2) to appeal to a broader field of players. And here I'm stuck. I just feel like it needs a good name for branding and event awareness. I have an email to the Student Activities Coordinator at the school. Maybe she can give me some insight. Maybe just the Alumni Par Tee Golf Classic. I'm taking this to fb.

Alrighty, goal progress:

• Two full days of no drinking. Day 3 is upon us. I should be okay for the duration except for I might have to give myself a one day pass since there's this literal All Day Kegger on Saturday that we've been talking about going to and everyone says is a fun time. If I attend that, the goal will go on a temporary hold. 
• pH levels are on the rise and that's a very welcome sign. 
• Golf tournament date has been reserved for Friday, October 5. I just need to cancel the previous reservation I had at the other course and then let everyone know about the change. And decide for good and all on a stupid name.
• I did some real estate legwork yesterday and am going door-knocking this morning, and if I can get confirmation, I have a potential buyers appointment this afternoon. fingers crossed (but they haven't confirmed yet and I'm getting concerned)

Actioning

Being more mindful of my intentions and actions throughout the day.  I remember overhearing a conversation in the grocery store, a woman was venting to her mother about a friend who was always bragging about her big plans, but never actually did anything. The daughter said, "Like, quit telling me what you're going to do. Show me what you've done." It resonated with me then and I have drifted away from that mentality in the last couple of years.

I have been taking the Buffini training class for 4 weeks now, and kind of gearing up for it for longer than that. It's a real estate agent boot camp that is super challenging to the point that I have shirked most of the process so far. But it's something that I know I have to keep working at because it's a great system and it's more holistic than some of the other real estate training I've gotten.

Anyway, I have been needing some real guidance and inspiration in my life for a long time and for whatever reason, now feels like the time that things are coming together to force me to take action and actually follow through with all the everything going through my head.

My digestive system has been terribly out of balance recently, and I think that's a reflection of a lot of other things that are out of balance also. I'm just all over the place and really uncentered. There's a quote, "Aim at nothing and you'll hit it every time," that's been amazingly and disappointingly applicable to me for too long.

I don't know when the whole idea of goal setting became lost to me but it's been really hard for me to step up and find anything to aim at. Maybe for a while, I was justifying it as me being a Type B person instead of Type A, more relaxed, go with the flow, things will all work out-ish. Now I'm realizing that was my excuse for completely being slack and lazy about everything.

And that excuse isn't cutting it any longer. I need to get my shit together. I've been saying I'm going to write every day. I've been saying I'm going to plan a golf tournament. I've been saying I'm going to get healthier/in better shape. And I've been saying I'm really going to dig in with real estate and become a more successful agent.

 And I haven't done any of those things with any degree of conviction. These are my goals and I'm ready to work to achieve them.

10 Day Goals
No alcohol
Balance system pH
Determine golf tournament structure
Do necessary real estate tasks
Write every day.

I'm sure more things will pop up surrounding this. I'm hoping writing everything out will get me back on track to the Total World Domination vision I had not that long ago.