Drugs and Murder

I was going to tell you about my raucous hijinks running errands today and how funny it is when I don't know to flip the tire pump thing at the gas station from Vacuum to Air sometimes.  Oh, the uproarious laughter we could have shared.

Nope.  Instead you're getting stuff about drugs and murder 'cuz that's more interesting to me than 75 wasted cents at the gas station. 

Instead, I wasted $2.53 for two tries at the tire pump AND this...

You know what that is, right?  One of those roses in a tube you can get for a dollar at the convenience store?  Yep.  And also?  A crack pipe.

This is why they call crack pipes "stems."  I know this because of when I worked in timeshare.  Someone dropped something in the gutter on the way in for a timeshare tour and Zane rushed in the Ready Room (where we waited to pick up said tours) and said, "Dude!  Some guy just dropped his stem in the street!"
Me:  What's a stem?
Zane:  Silver.  Sweetheart.  You're kidding, right?
Me:  Um.  No.  What's a stem?

Then a few other timeshare people exchanged glances and snickering at my naivete.  So that was a fun 30 seconds.  Then they explained it to me.  Some of them were pretty accomplished crackheads so I had no reason not to trust them.  OBVIOUSLY.  But I really don't think they would have lied about their hobby like that. 

Anyway...don't buy your kids one of those in a convenience store if they ask.  And if you see somebody buying one, now you know it's not just a lame, last minute gift for their girlfriend.  Or maybe it is.  Because they are dating Amy Winehouse.  And then it's just sweet.

I learned a lot about workplace etiquette selling timeshare.  Like, when you drop your cocaine all over the floor of the bathroom and lock the door and freak out so families on the tour get kind of, you know, SCARED to be there.  You'll probably get fired.

Sex on the premises?  If you can find a place out of the line of surveillance cameras and no tour families catch you, go for it.  Otherwise, you are not allowed to come back til next year.  Probably.  Or maybe next season depending on your close rate.

Also, being drunk or high at work?  Breath mints, people!  Visine!  Febreeze or something!  You really must be new if I have to explain that to you. 

I imagine the welcome handbook for Congress goes into further detail.  Or for Megachurches who broadcast on TV.

So, besides that NBF1 update!  We haven't heard from her in a while.  Her Monday crisis looks like this: Jury Duty.  FOR A MURDER TRIAL!  Two to three weeks of testimony and deliberation!  I am so psyched about this.  I am sick.  Of course I am way more psyched about this than she is currently because it poses a scheduling nightmare for her.  And Vanilla Pudding is in the middle of a tantrum about it.  And I want to hit him in the head with a bat right now for being a whiny asshole.  So, right now he basically reminds me of a long, squeaky fart you thought you could let silently go but surprise!  And it smells.  Only he's the guy who lets it out and looks around like Amy Poehler as Amber on SNL saying, "Yeah, I farted.  Jealous?"  Which makes me want to hit him with a metal bat now instead of wooden one because those are way more deadly.

Anyway, I am looking on the bright side for her and see the adventure of it.  She gets to be out of the house, out in the world, seeking justice for a tragically (and apparently gruesomely...she can't go into detail but I can follow the trial at the newspaper website probably) murdered young woman.  That is a BIG fucking deal on so many levels.  It's feministy and independency and will be REALLY great for therapy later.  And she said she'd let me ghost-write her book accounting the trial after it's all over.  Awesome. 

Also, I told her (because it is TRUE) that this is a pivotal moment and if she doesn't go ahead with jury duty she will regret it later.  This will be the moment she looks back on and says, "WHY didn't I just do it?  Yeah, it would have been inconvenient for a few weeks but it was literally life and death.  I am worthy of a life and death situation.  I wish I knew that then.  Why did it take me so long to figure that out?"  Because that's how I would feel and I project on my friends a lot.

And I relight their torches with mine even after theirs get dropped in a puddle. 

I was gonna post an X update, but I don't have much to say.  Mama seems to think she can harvest the Things' livers for X's enjoyment though.  And that is so funny it makes me glad NBF1 is going to do the jury thing.  I can get good tips on how not to get caught for killing Mama for saying that out loud yesterday.