Meet Our Cast

Today was Easter.  I suck at things like Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny.  The Things haven't spent Easter morning with me in at least 5 years and my Easter growing up is apparently nothing like the ones they have experienced with the outlaws.  I was thrilled with a basket of eggs I dyed myself, jellybeans and a plastic chick that peeped when I held it in my hand.  They want the dyed eggs for egg hunts, not the plastic ones (impractical, critters could get the real ones overnight, and who would eat that after it sat outside for hours? yuck) and toys and shit I never thought of before.  When are they going to be old enough to forgo the religical magicness and just take cash?

Other than that, I think it's time we met the players in this blog as I see them.  I've done approximately 39 blogs in 40 days.  Now, thanks to an obscure directive, I am continuing on with 50 more days.  They can't be all about me, I'm not that interesting all the time.  It's the people in my life who fascinate me.  Let's meet them, shall we?  We're walking...we're walking...

In no particular order besides how I wrote them down:

Thing 1: My 9 year old son.  Blond haired, blue eyed, twin of his father at the same age minus the Brady Bunch clothes.  Interests include: Modern Warfare 2, the desperate need to invent a hovercraft since age 3, skimboarding, eyerolling and practicing swear words.  Sometimes golf and baseball.  He thinks girls are icky [eyeroll. GOD MOM!  Shut up!] but I catch him checking out the teenagers with their long hair and rolled soffe shorts when he doesn't think I'm looking.

Thing 2: My 8 year old son.  Light brown hair, blue eyes, twin of me at the same age.  Interests include: skateboarding, flipping over furniture when he's mad, being the best at EVERYTHING and girls.  Sometimes Art.  He is being tested for both the gifted program and whether or not he belongs in a zoo.  The outcome should probably be "both."

Dad: My father.  Mid-60s chiropractor and recent-enough widower of a 36 year marriage that he is scared as shit of people.  Voracious reader and one of the best homeopathic, holistic doctors on the planet.  Ask him for a big pharma-free cure of anything health related, he'll have a real answer.  Not kidding.  He is also one of the most absent minded drivers on the road.  Seriously, get your papers in order before getting in or near a car this man is driving.  You have been warned.

Jan Brady: My middle sister.  Early 30s.  Married with one golden 5 year old daughter and expecting her second child in July - gender as yet TBD.  She and entourage have lived with Dad since our mother died two years ago.  Highly intuitive dreamer.  Delivers backhanded compliments faster than your internet connection.   Has control issues and should be figuring out any minute now that Keeping Up With The Joneses is utter bullshit.  Aaaannny minute now (fingers crossed).  No matter what, she is my sister and I love her.

Cindy Brady: My youngest sister.  Late 20s.  Currently in her last quarter of (choir voice) AAARRRT SCHOOL!  Dating, all but engaged to, Blackbeard.  Very sensitive yet has a deep love of aggressive punk rock and general badassness.  Her plan for total world domination involves interior design with both contemporary and feng shui influences.  Her personality reminds me of a Matisse.  Cindy Brady is a walking contradiction which makes her very interesting to get to know.  No matter what, she is my sister and I love her.

Blackbeard: Cindy Brady's boyfriend.  Late 20s.  Extreme boater.  Loves fishing, punk rock and anything that he can take apart, build or fix.  Deceptively intuitive.  One of my favorite people on the planet.

Nameless Best Friend #1: My best friend for almost half my life.  Late 30s.  Doe-eyed blonde who exists only in soft focus.  Mother of two, married to Vanilla Pudding.  Gave up a successful career as an International, Jet-Setting, High-Powered Business Woman to have children and decorate her home like a preschool teacher on crack.  In the meantime, on the precipice of launching a company that will upend the current corporate 9-5 paradigm.  Must unleash this earth-shattering awesomeness soon though because Oprah's going off the air (this year?) and where on earth will we get a better forum than that?!  Trust me, her plan is the most brilliant thing you ever heard of.  (or as she would say, "of which you have ever heard."  yep, it's like that, y'all.)  Also, NBF1 was my first phone call when my Mom died.  She left her toddlers and Vanilla Pudding and flew 3-5 states to be with me and held my hand during the funeral.  She is that kind of friend.  Say one bad thing EVER about NBF1 and suffer my wrath.  Just sayin'.

Audrey: My best friend for one+ years who knew X in his REAL heyday so she knows where I'm coming from.  Mid 30s.  Twinkly-eyed with a devlish smile, resembles a human jacuzzi even when she's not fully on her game.  Mother of one.  Fiancee of Tin Man (villain).  I blog-named her Audrey after the man-eating Venus Fly Trap in Little Shop of Horrors.  Audrey is a woman in transition, she dreams one day of being able to leave the house without the Spanish Inquisition.  She is really smart with a deeply dark sense of humor and sarcastic wit that makes me laugh daily.  Also, we share stalkerlike tendencies that would make you lock your doors at night.

X: My ex-husband.  Late 30s.  Broad shouldered former bouncer who I, when I first met him, thought resembled Barney Rubble.  Most people go with Chris Farley though, they're not wrong either.  Golfer, gambler and drinker extraordinaire and, besides me, always the biggest personality in the room.  Recently diagnosed with Advanced Cirrhosis.  2-5 years left to live if he stops drinking (which he won't) and gets a liver transplant (for which he will not qualify).  Lies compulsively, especially to himself, and refuses to exist in the rational world.  However, he is a lot of fun at parties and not at all bad at karaoke. 

The Outlaws: X's parents. 
* Mama: X's mother.  Early 70s.  Almost intimidatingly tall.  Remarkably thick hair that usually looks like something out of a Cuisinart.  Grew up in the rural Midwest in a horrifyingly abusive household.  Thusly, a human steamroller, brilliant manipulator, plays the Aw Shucks dumb hick roll worthy of an Oscar.  In her dark, scary world everyone is out to get her and she protects her babies (X, Thing 1 and Thing 2) from the harshness of her reality by never saying "no."  However, because she always says "yes" you always owe her something.  Always.
* Pop: X's father.  Mid 70s.  Rarely seen without a Greg Norman straw hat.  Black or White depending on his mood.  Began as one of 8 shoeless children in the holler of Kentucky scrapping for every penny.  Seen now as a dynamic entreprenuer, self-made millionaire with whom you should not fuck unless you are a divorcee from Georgia.  Interests include: Real estate, boats, flying his jet and growling.  The original Fucker, Fighter and Wild Horse Rider and he is one mean sonofabitch but I admire him anyway.  I mean... man, he can be mean but you should see him talk about his momma.  Who's name was Flossie.  not kidding.  I would have named a daughter after her had I had one.  thankgodforsmallfavors.

Me: Everyone's something.  My own self.  Late 30s.  Once described as "just everyday pretty" by a jerk who was giving me the brushoff.  IQ hovers around 140 depending on my amount of sober when I have taken the test.  Recently realized I am not a Christian.  Not sure what I am but this whole Jesus as Lord and Personal Savior thing...I just...can't.  sorry.  Anyway, deep fascination with people although I've never had any formal training.  I think most of the things "everybody" does are based in fear and ignorance.  The idea of Love scares me a lot because in practice I haven't been that great at it romantically but I believe with all my heart romantic love is possible.  Everything is possible.  I have dark disturbing thoughts and often say inappropriate things but I think "finding the funny anyway" should even that out.  Everytime I get too judgy with people the pendulum swings all the way back almost immediately and knocks me right between the eyes.  That tells me that I should shut my fucking mouth sometimes.  I write because I think a lot and don't always have people to bounce this off of in person.  If I don't get this stuff out of my head I may implode.  And it's way easier for you to *click* away than walk away if you're exhausted by me already.

If you have read this far...um...I will handcraft an authentic flower lei for you (although I've never done that before, but surely you have earned it by NOW). 

Thank you for reading.