FW: fwd: fwd: FW: fwd: FW: Just For You!

Are you a Forwarder?  Do people send you cute stuff and luck chains and VERY IMPORTANT LIFE SAVING INFORMATION SEND THIS TO EVERY WOMAN YOU LOVE emails and then nothing will do but you are compelled to send these to every single email address you've collected in your emailing life just in case they might need some luck, or OMG HUGS!, or safety tips, or whatever?

If you are then I have a favor to ask.  Please fucking stop it for the love of god immediately, right now, I said NOW!  Or at least check Snopes first because that Amber Alert has been fake for the last two years now and it makes you look dumb. 

And Mama, stop sending panicky *112 notices or whatever the hell that was because I courteously scrolled down the screen for the 10 minutes of the Idiot Collective's complete address list but as soon as I saw Comic Sans font size ENORMOUS, I mean as soon as I stopped rolling my eyes, I hit delete.  So I don't exactly know if it was *112 but oh my god stop it!  Seriously.  And don't send it to my dad either because he's real panicky these days and two seconds later HE sent it to me too.  dear christ.

And that one last night about the Brown Recluse?  I only even opened that because I thought it might be funny.  Because when X and I were married he used to yell IT'S A BROWN RECLUSE! in mock fear every time he saw a bug.  Well, eventually it was mock fear but at first it was Real fear.  I cannot explain to you how terrified that man is of bug-like creatures.  But he got tired of me joking the shit out of him for that and he decided to turn it into self-deprecating humor.  Wise.  We still laugh about Brown Recluse even now.  But secretly he's still very concerned that all insects will bite him to death.  That makes me giggle.

So anyway, Brown Recluse = funny, right?  Not this time.  This time it was a photographic essay of a progressively worsening thumb that had been bitten and I don't know how it ended because once I got to the picture of a black swollen thumb with pus oozing out of it...all I can say is DELETE!  and fuck you.  Holy god that was foul.  And the next shot may have been of a bloody unbandaged stump and that would have been a happy enough ending for me, but that email was the most hateful thing you've done since referring to me as "that hole he came out of."  Totally true. Who says shit like that?!

She's done plenty other hateful things in the 9 years since that bit of hillbilly eloquence escaped her lips but they all run together in my head.  And I really don't care anyway.  But I can never unsee that thumb, lady.  You are from hell.

So, Forwarders, does that sound like the reaction you were hoping for at the other end of the internet?  Not exactly, huh? 

Oh, wait, you were just sending along that cute collection of inappropriate things kids say in school that just cracked UP your whole bunco group and you thought I might need a chuckle?  Sweet of you, sure, but I have seen that 37 times already.  Seriously, stop.  Or what about those with the Twelve Ways Men Suck at Everything!  LOL, right?!  You know what?  I'm sure you're just tickled by however they bash what he does wrong with a toilet seat but maybe what you really want to bash instead is that one time when you were 6 months pregnant and you caught him in the bar parking lot at 4:30 in the morning about to kiss some trashy piece of business who actually tried to diffuse your fury by saying, "Look, woman to woman..." until she saw the death in your eyes and shut up.  hypothetically.  But yeah, what IS it with men and toilet seats?!  That's way easier to poke fun at.  And that's called displacement and you need counseling.  No men-bashing forwards for me if you don't mind. 

But anyway, email forwards directing me to pass this garbage on to seven friends in seven minutes if I want the luckiest lucky magic wishing star wish I ever thought of to come true in the next 24 hours?  Oh, wait, it totally worked for your cousin's hairdresser in Michigan this one time?  Uh, yeah.  DELETE.  Because I think the engineers are going to come up with beaming technology eventually and all these stupid Luck Chain emails are probably just clogging up the space we're supposed to be beaming through and what you're really doing now is just fucking up my wish.  Mean wish killer.  Really though, I hope they're close to getting beaming technology right.  That would be so cool.

So, I think I've made a pretty compelling case for you to stop forwarding those emails.  And if you just can't help yourself, please, I am begging you, take me off your address list.