Some Chick Named Tina Stole My Boyfriend, I Wonder Whatever Happened to Her

I started dating my first "real" boyfriend at the end of my sophomore year of high school.  He was a senior.  I had been daffy for this guy after he played Harold in Harold and Maude and I was a drama geek.  He was holy god smart and super obsessed with vampires and existentialism and he was valedictorian of his class and I fucking loved that guy.  I flirted with him mercilessly but "the blast" had not yet been perfected so it took the whole school year to land him. 

We became an item the day after his Senior Prom.  To which he had taken another girl.  Who was a bitch.  And even though I had warned him, "If you take Jennifer instead of me then you're not as smart as you think you are."  (ouch, right?)  I mean, this girl's nickname was MIBIT for god's sake, which stood for Moody Italian Bitch in Training.  This cannot end well.  He took her anyway.  It sucked.  He called me the next day and that was that.

Seriously, more people should take my advice, but whatever.  If you want to waste your time fucking up after I have shown you the fully illuminated path to NOT fucking up then that's your choice I guess.  You can call me when you're done.  I'll still be here.  And then we can date for almost a year until some chick named Tina comes along and ruins everything.

So anyway, Paul and I dated and he went off to UVA that fall and we wrote letters and talked on the phone every Saturday night at 6 o'clock.  When he was in a production of Godspell his first semester of college I went with his family to see it because mothers freakin' adore me.  After the show we were hanging out with the cast and I was introduced to Tina.  Who was apparently wearing a turtleneck because even though I don't recall that specifically I have it noted in my calendar journal that: met Tina = turtleneck = frowny face.  Because here's why frowny face, she asked me what year I was in school.  I said I was in high school and then she snarked "Of course you are" with every ounce of sarcastic, bitchy venom an 18 year old girl can muster.  And if you'll recall being 18, that's a whole fucking lot of venom.  I hated her instantly but smiled back like a dumbass 16 year old because my inner bitch had not yet fully matured.

And then a week later I wrote in my calendar journal: Talked to Paul - frowny face - keep Tina AWAY underlineunderlineunderline exclamation point.  Because he told me on the phone that he and Turtleneck Tina were riding the bus together the night before and they kissed and underlining shit in red was about all I could do with my frustration because I didn't have a car to drive two and a half hours to that school and hit Tina in the face with a brick.  Which I would have done if she weren't a little bit taller than me and a lits on the heavy side and could probably totally kick my ass.  Anyway, things with Paul were never the same after that and we broke up a few months later.

Then, ten years go by and I read an article about SNL's newest star, Tina Fey and I just thought she was hysterical.  So I read that she had studied drama at UVA and I saw how old she was and then in my head I heard the needle scratch across the record meaning: WAIT.  WHAT?! 

And I realized that Tina Fey was Turtleneck Tina, the bitch who insulted me then stole my fucking first love.  But holy crap she's really funny, so I couldn't hate her.  And teenage girls are hard-wired to be bitchy so it's not like she could help it.  And I wasn't entirely sure it was her anyway so, y'know, I let it go.

And then a few years ago I had lunch with my friend Sean who had been Paul's best friend growing up and one of mine since we were drama club co-presidents together in high school and we went to college together.  Anyway, I mention my Tina Fey suspicions to Sean and he said, "Yeah, we were wondering how long it would take you to figure that one out."

OHMYGOD, Tina Fey DID steal my high school boyfriend!  So, um, Mean Girls?  Uh, yeah.  I can assure you from personal experience she knows of what she speaks.  But I still think she is wicked cool and I totally forgive her.  I probably did would have done the exact same thing in her shoes.