Working Theory

I have a working theory.  I have been developing this over years and it's not finished or anything and guys, MEN I mean, it might make you a little uncomfortable. 

I hypothesize that the guys who have the biggest, baddest, studliest reputations and who generally act like huge dicks...they are notsomuch with packing the heat in the downstairs area.  It's the quiet ones we have to watch out for.  Shy at first, sneaky sense of humor, intellectuals, you know the type.  Those guys tend to surprise you when it's Bow Chicka Wow Wow time.  In a good way.

I mean, compare it to this - boys with bee bee guns will act all tough and shoot at damn near everything in their line of vision.  The men with the missiles?  They got the great power/great responsibility memo.  Cold War anyone?  It's like that, y'all.  That's why I think Kennedy may have leaned toward smallish and Dick Cheney?  Built like a woman.

Not that I have tested this theory recently.  And certainly not on key players in the political arena, dead or un-dead (Cheney can't be technically considered "alive" anymore, right?  He's like, half robot or something?)  Whatever.  Audrey and I were chatting about this recently and I think it needs further investigation.  We may be looking into grants for a lab.

Of course there are exceptions to the rule.  I would assume.  That's totally why we need a lab.  I mean, come on, people fork over funding to determine if cows cause global warming...this is SURELY more relevant than cow emissions.

Anyway I came up with this theory sometime during a social boom in the early to mid 90s after becoming acquainted with one of the most renowned studs on my college campus.  He was practically legendary in his exploits, very good looking and super dickish.  I was curious.  Then I became confused.  This is what all the fuss is about?  Maybe I'm new but...um...

And then the theory reached Development Stage Two when I dated one of those shy-at-first types.  Total opposite end of the spectrum.  And yay me, by the way.  Just sayin'.  Not that it worked out well.  damnit.  Moving on...

Of course, gentlemen, size doesn't matter.  Nope.  I mean, it really doesn't.  That's not just something we say to make you feel better - but I won't say we don't notice for cryin' out loud.  Get real.  It's like boobs for you, right?  Big, small, whatever.  That's not going to make or break the deal for you, is it?  And if it is then I have no idea why you're still reading this right now.

Okay, so this is why Audrey and I want to start the lab.  Women need to know for good and all whether guys with cocky attitudes and flashy cars are overcompensating across the board and the nice guys are lacking some much deserved attention.  Which of course they are.  Nice guys who have no game are sorely under appreciated, but admit it, you do need to maybe work on your Inner Alpha Male a little...I'm just being constructive is all.

So, you're a guy reading this now and thinking, "Hey wait, I got into a couple fights back in the day and appreciate some off-color humor, but I watch (vampire/girly show) with my significant other and I have a soft spot for Field of Dreams.  What does that make me?"

It makes you a perfect candidate for testing! is what that makes you.  In lieu of fucking up your relationship, we'll just invite your wife/girlfriend in for an interview.  Because you know she'll tell us.  Women talk about everything.  Even to strangers.  The cashier at the grocery store knows more about your sex life than you do probably.  Sorry about that.

Anyway, we'll totally change the names from the lab testing to protect your identity when we get published in the ground breaking scientific journal that is Cosmo.  I will let you know when the grant comes through.  Pretty sure politicians will send this through immediately.  Although it might not be in their favor to do so.