Confessional

In the car on the way home from work I talked with my father and ticked of the list of everything I have neglected lately.  All the things that fueled my hormonal firestorm yesterday and had me in tears on the floor.  Reunion planning, end of school year minutiae, kids' summer schedules, getting ready for the garage remodel, blogapalooza details, Cindy Brady's graduation party and gift, Jan Brady's baby shower and gift, etc.  My life makes a three ring circus look like the pony ride at a kiddie party.

It's all stuff I'm sure I've griped about not getting done here plenty of times but the thing hanging over my head most is the car.  It is the thing I least want to bring up in the world and also the most important.  It is the closet door that once opened can never be closed until all the crap is sorted through and dealt with.  And I'm terrified to write it out.  But I know I have to because as soon as I decided I would - rings of chaos in my personal circus started to calm down. 

I really shouldn't be driving.  Shouldn't have been all year.  I need to renew my tags, get special insurance and get an ignition interlock installed once I am granted my restricted license.  Because I got a DUI last year.

Coming home from a night out, turning into my neighborhood...Rollers.  oh fuck.  broken tail light.  I decided to head to my driveway instead of stop four houses down the street.  It seemed reasonable to me at the time.  But not to the cop.  He thought I was evading.  He called in back up.  Within minutes, there were 4 cruisers in and around my driveway with every light flashing.  And after a soul crushing field sobriety test, I was put in handcuffs and driven away.

And this is why I don't stand with my kids at the bus stop anymore.

I spent the month of July last year in jail.  My conspicuous absence from facebook is something still remarked about even now.  Evade, evade, tapdance, lie.  I know some people know, probably more than I'd like to think.  My offense inspired my former charity of choice to ask for my resignation from the Board of Directors.

There are and were many other hurdles to clear, but this ignition interlock - the car breathalyzer thing - is staring me in the face very soon.  That along with all the other everyday things I've been avoiding has made me realize that shutting my brain off at 8 pm each night until I pour myself into bed isn't working anymore.  It never really did.  I just never tried to take so much on at once before.  But I know now, it's time to quit drinking. 

It's only been a few days but it feels like the right thing to do.

And when I decided during the car ride home that every post would be horribly clunky until I came clean with this, I felt like I could breathe.  And when I came home?  Two emails.  BlogHer ticket confirmation number.  And a roommate for the conference in August.  And I found a good deal on a plane ticket not long after that. 

This means something.  This is important.  This IS where I'm supposed to be.

And I realize I have been projecting far too much on my friends and family lately when I should have turned that advice around on myself.  I should have opened my own closet door and faced this a long time ago. 

I will say, it's a lot less scary to open the door when you watch somebody else go first and survive.

So that has been the big thing I wasn't sure if I was ever going to get into.  If you stick around, I might tell you all about What I Did Last Summer.  One solid month of WTF moments.