The Oven Exploded and Other Things

I blow out lightbulbs like birthday candles.  Microwaves, video players and other small appliances too.  Sometimes room fuses, once the whole house.  Once the cul de sac went out but they never pinned that one on me officially.  Anyway, today I blew out the oven.

See, I've been meaning to make Oatmeal Raisin cookies for a week or two just because I forget why.  And today in a  fit of prehistoric hormonal imperative, cookies got made.  I was kvelling on the phone with Audrey while the second tray of cookies were in the oven.  And...PHZZZT!  POW!  WTF?!

It sounded like a combination of ice maker and garbage disposal, but it came from my oven.

"Um, hey, can you hold on a minute?  I think my oven just exploded."
"What?  You're joking, right?  Are you kidding?  You have to be kidding."
"Um...I...uh..." *spies something glowing and possibly on fire inside the oven* "What the...I need to call you back."

I opened the oven and tried to figure out what the hell I was looking at.  It wasn't a flame.  It looked like it could maybe turn into one, but at the time it was just...this glowy thing in the back of the oven.

I took the cookies out.
Took the wire racks out.
Poured baking soda on it just in case it was grease.
The glowing didn't stop.

I kind of wished I had a fire extinguisher?  but after the baking soda I realized there was no flame to put out so I just stood there and stared at the glowing and realized the open oven door was letting air get to it and if there's any truth to science, that was probably not an ideal situation for avoiding a fire.  *put racks back in place*  *close oven door*

Huh.

Meanwhile, I have two 9 year old boys, Thing 2 and friend, standing in the kitchen sucking on popsicles and staring into the oven with me wondering what we might be supposed to do next.

So I flipped off the oven at the fuse box and the glowy part of the heating element went dark.   And the best I can come up with is that the oven is staying off until further notice.

Thank god I replaced the fuel line on the grill.

Anyway, that was a brief moment this afternoon.  The rest of the week has had me doing other things.

Like...

I applied for my passport on Tuesday.

I'm okay with the picture.  Although I wish I'd contemplated a hairbrush.

So you don't think I'm totally uncivilized, I did have a passport before but that was in my married name and I've not only gone back to my maiden name since but also I changed my first name and middle name too which makes for lots of paperwork and WHEE! but also, I lost my first passport a million years ago anyway so I HAD to get a new one because I have an international vacation coming up in a little while that I'll tell you about later.  In a surprising and totally coincidental turn of events, it's going to take place near a teen beauty pageant scholarship competition.  Thusly, Thing 1 will always remember that puberty started mid July 2011. *shakes head*

Random kite surfer

What else?  Oh, I took the kids to the beach the other afternoon.  For no reason other than Thing 2 was bored and I needed something else to do besides be in the house.  Sometimes even though it feels like I should be chained to a radiator for the safety of the villagers, getting my feet in the sand is more calming.

Thing 1 & 2 just digging in the sand

I remember afternoons like that when I was their age.  Doing Spelling homework in front of the ocean.  Pretty outstanding memory to have.  *wistful sigh.  Anyway...







And this weekend is the big church carnival.  Not my church obvs.  My church can be found in the previous two pictures.  But it's the neighborhood Catholic church and we go every year because they have awesome rides and creepy carnies and a not at all bad flea market section.

And sometimes you see stuff like this.

And it triangulates you exactly at "*gasp!*  Precious!", "It feels like just yesterday..." and "...holy christ Thing 1 is starting middle school in three months."

So there's just all kinds of interesting things going on here lately.  

Something About Electricity

I had to replace light bulbs and now the kitchen is way too bright.  I don't think there should be this much of a difference between 120 watts and 180 watts.  It's unsettling really.

My light bulb situation has been a little haywire as of late.  The oven light for example.  It works now.  My oven light hasn't worked for years.  I never replaced the bulb because I am perfectly fine opening up the oven to check on stuff.  And I didn't even turn the oven light on to discover this.  One day in the last two weeks I noticed it was just...on.  I don't understand it but chalked it up to a "Ours is not to question why" moment and let it be.

Then the dryer light started getting unpredictable.  However, because I make a concerted effort to pay as little attention to the dryer as possible this doesn't seem as troublesome.  But I notice it.  occasionally.

And then all of a sudden two light bulbs in the kitchen ceiling fan were out.  Two.  Out of...three.

So I replaced them but with 60 watt bulbs instead of 40 watt bulbs because I already used the other 40 watt bulbs on the track lights in the kitchen before this and I didn't think I needed to rush right out and get more because I'd replaced the ceiling fan bulbs not that long ago and I know it's me we're talking about here but really?  REALLY?!  and now my kitchen is bright enough to make me squinty and be annoyed.

All the electricity is erratic actually.  The battery on my computer is dead beyond dead now too.  And this afternoon?  Thing 2 tried to unplug the wall outlet power source thing for the laptop and broke that third round part of the plug that makes it a triangle so it was stuck in the outlet.

I shut off the power to the house for a minute so I could pry out the prong and then reattached it to the power cord.  Because why not.  Although I should probably take a class about basic electricity sometime because (you won't be surprised to learn) I've been mildly electrocuted before and I can see it happening again easily if I attempt something like that in the future especially if time is a factor.  But I was clear thinking enough to go to the fuse box.  this time.  And I'm thinking maybe I gave my domestic electrical situation a kind of reboot in the process?

Maybe quitting smoking is a bit of that for me personally too.  I guess I feel like I'm pressing on the reset button.  Counting down my 30 seconds for a reboot?

Also, somewhere in the midst of hour 70 something and Day 3 of quitting smoking.  Huzzah!  Other also?  Boardwalk Empire?  not fair with the visual triggers.  gah.

To the Light Bulb People

Dear Light Bulb Makers of the World,

Let me start by saying that I am a fan of your product.  I enjoy electric light regularly just like a lot of people.  The warm glow of an incandescent bulb is a luxury I too often take for granted.  Thank you for manufacturing such a wonderful thing.  And I'm sure we share in a big ups moment for Thomas Edison who made this all possible in the first place.

I probably use more standard light bulbs than the average person due to my propensity for blowing these puppies out every month or three.  So I consider myself somewhat of an expert, or a connoisseur, or perhaps a voice you should hear regarding standard, boring, incandescent bulbs.  You should consider me so too.  I'll explain why in a minute.

Now, I am familiar with your "long life" bulbs, those weird looking ones that are like three times more expensive at least but I haven't bought them for a couple reasons.  Firstly, price point.  I am a thrifty shopper.  See this dress?  $7 on ebay.  just an example, I'm not bragging or anything.  Secondly, my tendency to render small appliances including but not limited to VCRs, microwaves, hairdryers and coffee makers functionally electrically dead at a somewhat alarming rate depending on how easily you panic at things like that makes me a teensy bit skeptical that an expensive light bulb will withstand my particular ability despite your steadfast assertion that that my kids will be kissing their prom dates goodbye 7 or 10 years from now under the same bulb I put in the porch light tomorrow.  That was a cute commercial.  but I still think you haven't met me yet.

Perhaps we could work together to produce a true testimonial?  I would accept a full sponsorship with little hesitation.  We'll discuss this more later I am sure.

My concern is this - half the bulbs in my house have been blown out for an undisclosed length of time because of excessive amounts of stress and admitted laziness on my part.  I keep forgetting to pick them up when I'm out.  my bad.  Anyway, a moment of clarity in the hardware store today had me wandering down the bulb aisle and...I couldn't find a single box of standard, boring, incandescent bulbs of any kind.  Puh-LENTY of the other kind though.  I left empty handed and full of suspicions.

If this is an ordering mishap then I will gladly take it up with the individual store or shop someplace else.  However, if this is what I suspect?  If this is a plot to phase out the less expensive bulbs entirely so the only option is buying the "long life" swirly kind then I would like to formally submit my objection and protest this campaign.

Because if you do not cease and desist this merciless assault on my bank account then I would like to damn you to hell.

Please let me know either way.

Of course I understand it's a tough economy and you gotta fuel those jets, right?  All I'm saying is that my lifetime expenditure to date on light bulbs has probably carried you across those big square states no one lives in more than a couple of times and I would have appreciated a heads up about this.  An invite to a focus group maybe?  something?

Because, seriously, I have hurricane lamps and I'm not afraid to use 'em.

That's right.  I'll go Frontier Family on your ass and where will you be then?  I'll tell you where.  You'll be foraging in the Rockies after your plane goes down wishing you'd watched your DVR'd episode of Man vs Wild because you're pretty sure Bear Grylls had some critical information about poison or bears or banjos or something and you just heard a twig snap behind you but your assistant is back at the wreckage site impaled on a lobster claw with the Leatherman tool in his pocket and now you're 32 seconds away from being dead and wishing you'd thought to shoot me an email.  sorry for your luck.

Because I would absolutely agree to that full sponsorship in case you were wondering.  And if it worked out in your favor I would go full on Cult Behavior on your behalf because I've been blowing out light bulbs since I was 11 and quite frankly I'm over it.  It's a hassle.  And I'm really good at being culty.  You would be so thankful and your jets would never crash like that.  again.  sorry.

So please let me know when I can expect the case of assorted wattage, swirly, stupid looking, fancy light bulbs.

Or, y'know, send me a postcard from hell.

Sincerely,
S.

Technical Difficulties

I call it Guts of Iron

Because this is what it looks like when you're in a hurry to get out the door and you trip over the iron cord then the iron goes flying across the room only to land with a splashing THWACK on the floor and the retractable cord housing breaks off the bottom and the metal coil unleashes itself in a hissing, scraping fury seething "I'll never be caged again!"  And it really won't.  I have seen this before in a Weed Whacker incident.  Trust me.

So it isn't actually iron guts but retractable cord mechanism guts but creative license here people.  Work with me.  Guts of Iron.  I'm thinking of mounting the whole iron on the wall like a trophy.  Like a warning for other small appliances that are contemplating mutiny.  It may be too late for that though.

My AC went out today.  That wasn't exactly an appliance mutiny situation however.  I am almost positive that was accidental murder.  What would that be called?  Applianceslaughter?  And it's only temporary.  The Air Conditioning was temporarily murdered by some rogue ants who reside in the massive colony upon which my house seems to have been built.  It's a generational thing.  Every few years some upstart ants get hooked on the siren song from my HVAC unit.  Something about the electrical hum draws them in like addicts and they march one by one, as ants are known to do, to their deaths.  

One deviant ant begins this single file journey, winding his way through the cords and into the boxy thing (which may be called a capacitor, I'm not sure) seeking the source of the hypnotic, electrical whir.  And then he gets electrocuted to death.  And then the next one who has been following close behind out of a sense of relentless obligation climbs over his dead ant leader with the same result.  And it just goes on and on.  Ants are so fucking stupid. 

Anyway, once enough dead ants pile into the circuitry they clog it up and interrupt the current thereby not only killing themselves but also the source of their madness.  Maybe they're not that stupid.  Maybe the last one knew he was a martyr.  Maybe he screamed some Remember the Alamo rallying cry and all his ant brethren are holding a candlelight vigil in his honor in this moment to praise the ant gods that the threat of the Monolith of Doom has been destroyed.

You know what ants?  Sorry.  The AC is getting fixed this weekend.  hopefully.  Because all you need to do is just take out the probable capacitor thing and tap-tap off the disgustingly thick, gooey layers of fried ant martyr carcass and put the boxy whatever thing back in and Viola!  Forced Air!  It's a miracle!

I have seen this done many times.  At least four since I've lived here.  So of course I tried it myself this afternoon.  But I realized I never saw the guys remove the boxy thing/capacitor part and even though I switched off the electricity to that because it was making a weird noise anyway and I'm not that crazy about massive explosions in my general house and yard vicinity...given my penchant for unintentionally frying electrical equipment myself, I figured this was a job best left to a professional.  Because...see?

Amid all those wires is the boxy thing but I couldn't figure how to get it out without turning a little tap-tap problem into a "Dear god, Silver!  What the fuck were you thinking?!" problem and in my experience those are super expensive to remedy. 

Because here's the thing.  Even though I'm not feeling especially bonkers at the moment...my boobs are telling me there's PMS happening.  And seriously Me + PMS + Electricity = Very Bad Combination.  So I just backed away quietly and turned all the ceiling fans in the house on high. 

Thank god Cindy Brady's boyfriend Blackbeard is an HVAC specialist.  He fixed the problem last time and if I ask him very nicely he might come over tomorrow and help me out again.  fingers crossed because I tried to audition my cocktail attire for Blogapalooza this afternoon despite the liquid heat coursing through the house and form fitting dresses are really hard to assess when you're all sticky from humidity.  Not to mention remove.  There were almost scissors involved in one case. 

Southern fried or not?  This is almost oppressive.

High Voltage

I blow out light bulbs. I don't mean to do it, it just happens. Usually it's when I am stressed out, and sometimes I don't even realize I'm stressed until a bulb pops. It's a nice little reminder to take a deep breath and relax. One time I blew out a whole room. Another time the whole house went out. I swear I am not making this up. Anyway, the reason I'm sharing is that my power went out today. I was sitting here, getting ready to motivate for the day and *poof* everything turned off. Crap. Not like I can't clean in the semi-darkness of a dismal day (thank god for skylights), but suddenly I just didn't feel like it as in: "What? The vacuum won't work? Well then, neither will I!" I cleaned anyway...the vacuum strike would end eventually, I had to be prepared.

So, back to the light bulb thing…this is an actual phenomenon that affects more people than just me, kind of like those people who can't wear watches because of their body chemistry or whatever. There's even a name for people who affect lights and other electrical equipment…Sliders or something. I blogged about this once a couple of years ago in another myspace incarnation, but now I can't remember what Sliders stands for, it's some kind of acronym.

I have been blowing out light bulbs in every place I've lived since the age of 11. For the longest time I didn't know light bulbs were supposed to last more than a couple of months. I thought it was normal to look for light bulb sales and stock up like you're preparing for the apocalypse.

My kids have seen me do it. This one time I went to turn on a lamp in the living room and the bulb popped. It wasn't any big deal to me but they thought it was pretty cool because a flash of blue light went from the lamp over to the TV and then the TV went out too. "Do it again, Mom!" Unfortunately, I haven't learned to control it like that…yet. Sometimes when I see Elle on the show "Heroes" I wistfully think, "If only." *sigh* but I would use my powers for good…most of the time.

I blew out the living room another time when I was steam cleaning the carpet. I was really angry about some thing or another and suddenly everything electrical within a 10-15 foot radius shut down. Lights, TV, steam-cleaner…all of it. At first I didn't think it was me.  I thought it was a regular black-out but when I went into the kitchen and all the lights were on I knew I had to chill the fuck out for a minute or two.

When I blew the whole house out I didn't think it was me either at first. I was blogging about something stupid my X had done and wham-o, black-out! It was pretty late at the time so I thought some drunken idiot hit a pole and knocked out the power to the neighborhood. I went to the fuse box in the garage just to make sure and realized that I'd left the door open after cutting the grass…and that the rest of the neighborhood was lit up just fine. Then I got kind of panicked thinking that some freak had walked in and cut the power like in some horror movie and that I was about to be shredded to ribbons. I started flipping fuses and eventually everything came back on. Whew! But…yikes…I'd never blown out a whole house before! From where I was sitting at the computer, the fuse box was about 8 feet away on the other side of the wall…that was pretty crazy.

I have been able to keep the bulb blowing to just lamps and wall fixtures for a while, but I go through DVD players like crazy and I can't have microwaves anymore because they refuse to cooperate. There are only two bulbs in my house that I haven't affected. Every other bulb gets replaced every few months and none of them just burn out on their own, they all pop when I flip the switch. Even those supposedly "long-lasting" bulbs are no match for my particular gift.

So, the power went out in my house and the rest of the court next to me. The power company didn't know what the problem was from the main office but they sent people out to check on it. Everything is up and running again thankgoodness; I just hope they don't ultimately determine that I personally am Ground Zero and haul me off to a lab for testing.