I knd of know exactly what I want

I watched The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants tonight. I know, total chick flick, but I was having a moment and I'd never seen it all the way through before and SNL was a rerun and Lockup was on MSNBC and the rest of television sucked too. So, Sisterhood it was. Okay, I'll admit that I laughed and cried. I mean, it isn't taking a place in my most favoritest movies of all time or anything, but it was good to see tonight. Clearly it's been a weird week.

See, I had a couple of very important dreams this week and I'm in a place where I need a major overhaul apparently. Need to get unstuck more immediately than ever; the symbolism was remarkable about that. Oh, I don't know if you're into the dream interpretation thing though. I very much am but this all may sound like a load of crap to you if you aren't. Hmmm…how much do I care about that? Yeah…not a whole lot.

Anyway, one dream was a "this is where you've been" thing. My car was buried in the ground up to the windows…definitely stuck. Driving same car later on and it just up and stopped working in the middle of the road. I mean, not even the Triple A guy could/would fix it and I ended up wandering around a mostly empty home improvement store carrying baggage that had nothing to do with fixing a vehicle. There was nakedness and blood involved after that and I felt completely exposed and vulnerable and very much like I needed more help than I'd already summoned to get moving again. Got it. Check please. Moving on. Thank you.

The next dream was a "this is where you are/where you're going" thing. Part of it was very clear and powerful, but I need to ask for more specifics about the vague part the next time. The powerful part had me walking around in a brand new place and learning how to catch the wind and ride it like a kite flying about 5 stories high. It was pretty exhilarating and kind of a big deal. The vague part had something to do with balloons and a date, but it was a little too jumbled for me to decipher. Clarification next time.

Waking up now, I don't know what the 5 story breeze I caught looks like in reality. Is it a career? It might be a career. Is it a guy? I don't think it is. Is it just overall? It might be a general feeling of wellness and independence. Actually I haven't had a real career, guy or general feeling of serenity for more than a few hours at a time in longer than I care to recall. Maybe it's everything. That would certainly be something.

But whatever, I made a big choice this week to not get reinvolved with my X. Not in a dating way (godblessamerica we were done with that practically before we got married) but in a financial way. The last time he proposed we get financially involved it was easy to say no. Couple months later (by this I mean last Tuesday) it wasn't as easy, but the answer is still no. It was SO close to a yes for a minute there though. I mean, I spun my head in circles trying to psychoanalyze the why of it, but came to the conclusion that no matter what the motivation is, it is such a bad idea. Definitely can't do it.

Remember the nursery rhyme Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater? "Peter, Peter pumpkin eater had a wife and couldn't keep her. He kept her in a pumpkin shell and there he kept her very well." I can't climb back into that shell. Yuck.

This brings me to another point. After the dreams happened I was trying to formulate another list of demands out loud. This one was more future-related and had nothing to do with a cheeseburger. There were a lot of things I said I couldn't put up with like: I can't be in a place where I have to stifle my opinion to tow the party line (I am too bold for that); and I can't work a job that jeopardizes my kids' success (they need me at home in the afternoons and a regular schedule to keep them together). As my sister heard my list she kept saying basically, "I think you'll have to compromise anyway. Get along to go along," to which I replied "No. I don't have to" and she actually said she didn't think I was all that bold. Like I don't have the right to want what I want (and certainly not the right to demand it). I was kind of shocked by that and more than a little insulted.

After eating my thoughts for about 10 minutes I told her that of course she doesn't think I'm bold because bold is regular to us. Thinking outside the box is just how we do things. Most people are so in the box they don't realize the box exists; it's just walls, ceiling and floor to them. I mean, I'm not THAT far out of the box. I know the box is there and yes, I will still use it as an ironic prop now and then…I just don't want to be in it (pumpkin shell…hello?). shudder. I don't think she's a Pod Person, but she's been doing one hell of an impersonation for the last year now.

Anyway, I want what I want damnit. And I kind of know exactly what that is. Modified from last time. Let's just think of me as adaptable.