Sunday, January 11, 2009

All roads lead to here

Is anyone else discovering the difference between “what you do” and “who you are” yet? I made a list of things I do today. Not things I should do or want to do, but things I actually do. They were all superficial things that on the outside make me look very Stepford but they didn’t get to the core at all. You know, driving kids to Little League in a minivan with a personalized plate and volunteering for the local children’s hospital didn’t even scratch the surface of the smart, sarcastic, irreverent person I am who loves to psychoanalyze why people are the way they are. Not even a smidge. Not like I’m faking or anything, I love to do the things I do…but…there’s more to it than that.

Facebook is a very polite way to interact with everyone, but that doesn’t get to the heart of the matter a lot of the time. A conversation tonight brought up the question, “what are we hiding?” The friendships I’ve liked the best are the ones where we don’t hide anything. They are my no-bullshit friends (and they always have been) and they are a favorite. See, it’s when I try to be all kinds of polite that I end up saying something inappropriate. With my no-bullshit friends, there’s no such thing as inappropriate. They know who I am and they love me anyway. And they know that the feeling is returned.

In a slightly related vein, I know we’re always figuring out who we are…but don’t you get to a point where you finally get it? I have been watching someone consistently NOT get it for about 10 years now, and I’m telling you what…I do not want to be like that guy. That guy is stumbling through his life without a clue (and no interest in finding one).

I feel like I’m constantly in a state of discovery. You know, still in detective mode sorting through the box of evidence; looking for clues about what the hell I’m supposed to be doing with this particular incarnation. The message, “You are where you were going to be” won’t get out of my head. What the fuck does that mean anyway?! I’m hoping it’s a good thing. Everything happens for a reason. All roads lead to here. Keep on truckin’. Et cetera and so forth. I hope this because I don’t know what in the godbless else I should be doing right now.

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