Thursday, February 25, 2010

Much Like Any Other Day

Remember how I said I would achieve a size 2 and total world domination by the end of February?  Looking more like the end of March now.  Pretty sure that procrastinating reunion stuff all month and eating my body weight in Doritos tonight puts those goals a little further out on the horizon.  And stupid snow.  Oh sure, it all melted here weeks ago but the snow and the cold totally threw off my walking-several-miles-a-day schedule.  It's all snow's fault.

In other news, nameless best friend #2 now has a name!  Not a comet name, no goddess or superhero like I was thinking before but it came about organically.  We tripped over it in one of our email volleys the other day performing our psych autopsy on her fiancee.  I'll let you peek in on what lead us to this name.  I think her fiancee is a sociopath and had just sent her the laundry list of a sociopathic profile, she countered with narcissist...either way, I have fantasized 75 different ways to kill him.  Read on:


Me: Your only problem is that you picked two narcissistic sociopaths.  Whatever led you to those choices is what (therapist) should be helping you figure out so you DON'T PICK ANOTHER ONE!

Just like (mutual friend) hasn't changed his pattern, neither did you.  You have the opportunity to grow here.  Blossom into the lovely flower of womanhood that will kick any man's ass straight to the curb if he tries to psycho-sexually fuck you over.

Nameless best friend #2:  fuck.  i'm attractive to mental cases. this is disturbing.  does that make me crazy by association?  birds of a feather flock together?

i dont want to blossom into a flower.  fuck the flowers.  they belong w/ the glittery idiots.  i want to be one of those man eating plants.  what do you call them things again?  one of those...or a cactus...

Me: Venus Flytrap.  or...what was the plant's name in Little Shop of Horrors?  Audrey!  We may have just stumbled upon your blog name!!!

I don't think it makes you crazy by association.  It's just that there is some part of you that is drawn to that type of guy.  Seriously, read that book Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix.  It addresses exactly this type of shit.  I swear.  You will learn a lot about your motivation.  Fuck (therapist).


So, nameless best friend #2 will now be known as Audrey.  The man eating plant from Little Shop of Horrors.  Much easier to type.  I have high hopes for this girl.  She is very cute, completely hilarious and her brain is like a steel trap for all kinds of trivial information.  For example: she was the one who informed me that rats can't puke.  I have not yet found a practical application for this information but it's stuck in my brain forever.  When she is not under the influence of a narcissistic sociopath she is brilliant.  I consider it my personal goal to break the spell he has over her.

Nameless best friend #1 remains nameless for the time being.  I will wait for a similar organic process.

In other, other news there is some blogosphere pallooza happening in NYC in August.  I don't know if I should sign up to go or not.  I am not part of the blogosphere community.  I'd kinda like to be but right now I'm just sitting in my kitchen typing stuff out so I don't go insane, or perhaps to document my insanity.  I've only been doing this blog-a-day thing for about a week now.  Part of me feels like I am getting to the party a couple years too late.  Like the new kid who moves to town midway through the school year.  Am I going to show up and be all, "Um...can I sit at your lunch table?"  What if they're all like, "Uh, you write about what? Duh. That's stupid. You don't belong here."  Because what if they write about life in New Orleans after Katrina or their torrid relationship with a Senator or how they spent a year with the Amish or something.  And here I sit my crazyass down to write about my mother haunting the house and speculating how long it will take my X to die.  Hmmm.  I should probably attend this thing.

X update.  I'm going with him to see his innards doc tomorrow.  I missed his last appointment the day before he went to the hospital a few weeks ago.  Missed his genius of a gastroenterologist telling him that on a scale of 1-10 his condition was a 3.  A three??  Dude, I don't have a medical license and I could tell you he was way worse than a fucking three.  Did he not see the fluid buildup in X's abdomen?!  He looked like he was pregnant for cryin' out loud, I am not even kidding.  Plus, the guy didn't even know about the five day hospital stay until it was over.  Lucy's got some 'splaining to do about that little mess up.  So I should have a good, juicy update about that tomorrow.

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