Saturday, February 13, 2010

A Spoonful of Human Behavior

Sometimes in blogspace I read these poignant things wrought with humor and I go back and look at what I loosely strang together and feel remarkably dumb. I could have gone into more detail about the feeling of it rather than be all flippy. Flippant is my go-to defensive move. I was told once (okay, maybe more than once) that I can come off as cocky and arrogant. Huh?! Me? Cocky? Not me. I hardly know what the what I'm doing here. Arrogant?! I know people who are arrogant, they are obnoxious hypocrites. They hide behind some superficial shield and act like they know everything all the time even I get the why and how of arrogant a little better. If I come off as arrogant and I feel like an unadulterated mess on the inside...doesn't it follow that they feel the same way and come off as such thusly?

I don't have it in me to get all high and mighty and say that I will pray for them. That is the ultimate in take-the-plank-out behavior. BHJ said if you're not a hypocrite then you're doing it wrong. Okay, so sometimes I am a hypocrite. I know that. Example: X needs to quit drinking...I could stand to take a break too but I am so not gonna either (just one among a million reasons why I can't be his house of bricks). I just like knowing sometimes that I am not the only or the most fucked up person in the room. When people get arrogant with me it's like they are showing me their deepest secret mystery out loud and they don't even know it. I love that. I could eat human behavior up with a spoon.

I sold timeshares for a while and then worked for a domestic violence shelter. Those two jobs taught me that most people are driven by the most basic things.

Fear of loss
Hope for gain

Think about it for a minute. If you are like most people, why do you do the things you do? Is it because you're afraid of losing what you have? Maybe you wish for something more/better? You just want to get a handle on what's going on? It's there. It's basic, everyone feels that way to some degree. When examining someone's, anyone's actions be they celebrities, politicians or the girl next door you always have to ask yourself, "Cui bono?" Who benefits? That's a Dr. Phil thing too. You know this. "How's that working for you?" "What are you getting out of that?" Total "Cui bono?" questions.

What am I getting out of this little blog? It is my proving ground, my practice place. I want to write a book but sometimes I am just up too late and can't vent to my best friends. So I vent here. Maybe it will all come together one day.

I admire writers who can describe the inside of a car and make me feel like I am right there with them. They detail what is in the console and the subtle technique of how one places keys in the ignition and what that means. I don't do that exactly. I like it though. Those writings inspire me. But my day doesn't have me in people's cars. My daytime has me in a chiropractor's office navigating people to the best of my ability.

In my dad's office I am the morning receptionist four days a week. I sit at the desk, answer phones, greet patients, make sure their paperwork is current and schedule their next appointments. I smile, make jokes, briefly converse. I spend five minutes max with them most of the time. And I can intuit who they are from that. Sometimes I don't even remember what they look like, I just remember how I feel about them. I talk about them with my dad after the morning session and it feels like picking the flavors out of a people stew.

I like them or don't like them for whatever reason. Regardless of that I recognize who they are, what they want. Some people need special consideration, some people are worth fitting in even if there's no apparent time in the schedule, some need to be deferred til next week. Some need to be fired. Some you want to talk with, some talk too much. Some people didn't work with the general flavor of the day, or it was one of those days when everyone who walked in the door was batshit crazy and I just had to chalk that up to experience.

I like the job. It is perfect for me right now. Just the right amount of human interaction and time to do what I need. In fact, I was going to paint a room with all the free time I have. Then it fucking snowed and I couldn't pick the exact right shade of lilac and the X got super sick and now my energy is all murky. No one essentially arrogant would admit to that, right? Or cocky? See, I'm just regular.

Oh, and the X (incaseyouwerewondering) still in the hospital. Peritonitis. Other test results to follow. Should be out Sunday. This is my personal opinion, but if he makes it through the year I will be amazed.

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