Saturday, May 15, 2010

Gross Things

Farting.  I am not a fan.  I would never click the "like" button if farting had an fb fan page for example which it probably does because there's fan pages for stupid everything.  Anyway, obviously I understand farting is a bodily function that cannot be avoided at times.  I mean, I am familiar with the concept of broccoli and god help any living human who happens to be in an enclosed area with me after I consume mass quantities of garlic.  Which I do from time to time but never in social situations.  Anymore.  And I learned that lesson the hard way, believe you me.

For example, a garlic episode literally killed my friendship with the heiress to the Little House on the Prairie dynasty.  Even though I tell people the reason she won't speak to me anymore is because my drunk ass decided it would be a good idea to pull her aside at her wedding reception and tell her she shouldn't bash her brand new mother-in-law.  On her wedding day.  Within earshot of said brand new mother-in-law.  Because that's kind of mean and I think she's a big bag of nuts too, but could you just lay off for a few hours?

And even though I stand by that particular pearl of wisdom to this day, when it's coming from a slurring friend who is widely known for bashing her OWN mother-in-law at every available turn, that kind of hypocrisy is grounds for ending a friendship.  But it was probably the garlic.

Because later that evening after I had sobered up and I was apologizing for saying that and what a hypocrite I am and stuff because I'm a good person damnit.  And I can apologize for dropping wildly ill-timed and unsolicited advice however sound it may be.

In that responsible, mature, adult moment the after effects of many delicious and probably very expensive garlic appetizers snuck right out of my ass and unleashed a surprise SBD attack that would inspire Colin Powell himself to campaign to the UN that I  personally am a Weapon of Mass Destruction if enough garlic is involved.  And I'm pretty sure he's not wrong because oh my god that was horrifying.  And one of the most embarrassing moments of my adult life and Abby hasn't spoken to me since.

So you can see why I'm not a fan of farting.  Because farts can kill friendships and I am not cool with that.  I'm pretty sure Hallmark doesn't even make a card to apologize for the hell that came out of my body 6 years ago.  Anyway, sorry, Abby.  Call me, 'kay?

The only reason I'm even bringing this up is because Thing 1 just asked me if radio waves can penetrate skin.  I was standing there trying to explain to him how I appreciate he thinks I am a human encyclopedia but all the credit should really go to Google.  And I farted.

Thing 1: Mom!  You said girls don't fart.
Me: They don't
Thing 1: But you just farted.
Me: No.  I didn't
Thing 1: Yes.  You did.  I heard you.
Me: [mind trick hand wave] I stepped on something.  Girls don't fart.

He didn't buy it.  The force is strong in that one.  I have got to smooth out that hand waving business.

Now, the reason I tell the Things that girls don't fart is because boys should have some kind of illusion that girls are dainty, delicate creatures who appreciate their inner alpha maleness and I honestly believe they should improve that quality as often as possible.  At least some part of them should think of girls as giggling, sweet things who have tea parties and lurve them some bunco.  Because I rarely convey that girly girl stereotype to them.  And by rarely, of course I mean never.  And also because their wives should crush that image for them much later.  Hey, I don't want to be the villain in that situation is all. 

I mean, I do get grossed out by some bodily functions.  Spitting, for one, is never acceptable.  Rude in all situations, and yes, I do mean that one too.  And especially in porn.  For god's sake, grab some astroglide or something.  You're totally killing the mood for me here.  Now, why am I not grossed about WHY they're spitting in the first place?  It's a mystery. 

Anyway, I'm not a fan of vomit either.  Like, whoever first showed someone throw up on camera, I would like to personally throw up on that person because the noise was sufficient up til then thankyouverymuch.  And when someone surprise vomits on TV I cannot avert my eyes quickly enough or unsee that, you bastard.  So just stop showing it already.  gah!

And I'm not a fan of farting for obvious reasons but even growing up I never saw the humor.  I can't explain that because Jan Brady certainly never seemed to have a problem with farting.  She would stand in front of our mother's bedroom fan and fart herself silly.  I just thought that was a weird way to pass the time.  And Cindy Brady went to sleep-away summer camp one year and came back with an appreciation for all kinds of gross-out humor I do not get to this day.  Wise investment, Mom.

So, those are the things I get all squeamish and girly-like about.  Now I gotta go get some more work done on this shed.

Oh, and radio waves don't penetrate the skin by the way.  Google, I fucking love you.


Mez said...

For the record....I would NEVER stop being your friend because you crop dusted my general area...just sayin....not that I enjoy farts, but haven't you seen "Sex in the City"?...I mean...Charlotte shit her pants and Carrie and the girls remained her friend!!

BTW!...I'm thoroughly enjoying your shenanigans of life! :-)

Silver said...

Aw, thanks Mez. I think the bond of watching Grease 2 25 times in. a. row. back in '84 is one that cannot be broken by time, space, or my personal hellfire. Or yours. I wouldn't stop being your friend if you emitted a smell that was practically visible either.

diane said...

With 2 boys I don't see how you escape farting and anything to so with bodily fluids. Cause with my one and only 6 year old, its all about farts, poop and burps. Nothing is funnier. I would blame it on his dad, but I think its hard wired in the Y chromosome.

Silver said...

Oh, it's hard-wired for sure. But as I told X, "I know we said 'better or worse,' but does it always have to be worse?

As a Mom, I can deal with poop, vomit and farting from children because I have to, but as an adult separate from that? [grimace]

And spitting? Seriously. Never, never, never.

Silver said...

Oh, and burps...dude...make an attempt to hide that. Or at least act embarrassed. Don't laud other cultures for their practices at my dinner table. Cover your mouth for cryin' out loud.