Friday, May 21, 2010

Parts War: I've Officially Lost It

This is the conversation that happens in my head when I can't find stuff:

You are so stupid I feel embarrassed for you sometimes.
Don't even ask me that.  What.  Good lord.  Who loses $400?  In cash!  You are such an idiot.
It's around here somewhere.
Oh sure.  But WHERE?!  That's the question, dummy.
Maybe I put it in my purse.
You already looked in your purse like 12 times already.  It's still not there.  Check again though.  Just in case.
Dammit.  Still not there.
Shut up.  Maybe it's in my laptop case or something.
Uh-huh.  You never put anything in there but your computer.  Why would it even be in there?  Check anyway. 
Nope.  Not there either.  Where in the world?!
I can't even believe you did this.
I'm gonna find it eventually.
Yeah right.  That cash is GONE.  Idiot.
I'm just absent minded is all.
Absent minded my ass.  Even the Big Lots dude knows you're stupid.
Oh, come on.  You just stood there in the middle of the store staring at the damn ceiling for five whole minutes.  And when he asked if you had a question you just looked at him dumbly and starting laughing.  Then he walked away.  He thinks you're stupid.  And he works at Big Lots.
Well, he'd be a connoisseur of stupid, wouldn't he?
Exactly.  And then you saw the irons in Kmart and remembered you needed a new ironing board cover and what did you do?
I walked right in the opposite direction to where the mop heads were.
My point has been made.  Found that cash yet?
No.  I even looked in the car.  And the dryer.  And the washer.
What were you wearing when she gave you the money? 
How am I supposed to remember that?  That was all the way back on Sunday. 
Oh lord.  You only ever wear the same three things over and over again.  This can't be that hard.
I know.  But I checked all those pockets already, like three times, and it's not there either.
I know!  I am so fucked right now.  It's not like it's a check and she can write me another one.  This was CASH.
You know what this means, right?
I know.
That post you wanted to write about how you, Audrey and NBF1 were gonna be super heroes but instead of fighting crime you'd fight stupid?  You can't even write that now because of the hypocrisy.
Wha?  But I was really looking forward to imagining that costume.  Thigh high boots and stuff.  Probably a skirted suit too.
Oooh, that's too bad.  You can rock a mini skirt.  Even though you're way too old for those.
Yeah, but I think I can get away with it because I still get carded for cigarettes sometimes.
Yeah, but you probably shouldn't even try to get away with it because people will think you're trying too hard.
Oh, fuck off.  I'm not trying too hard.  I can wear whatever I want and they're flattering.
But age inappropriate.
Stacy London does NOT have the last word in fashion, okay?  The mini skirts stay.
Oh fine then.
Where the HELL is that money?
Look, the smart people called and they really want you to stop breathing their air, okay?  Because you're obviously not doing it right because your brain is so starved for oxygen you've now given yourself a headache.
I know.  Good thing I didn't misplace the aspirin.
Yeah.  Great prioritizing there.  [eyeroll]
Lord have mercy.  Maybe if I stop looking so hard it'll turn up.
Really, it should be illegal how stupid you are.
You are so not being helpful right now.  Quit being a dick and help me look.
Did you check the dryer?
Yeah, like 4 times already.
Crap.  I got nothin.
Oh, no WAY.  You're coming with me.  Now get to lookin'.
Did you maybe throw it away?
I never throw anything away.  I would not have thrown away money.
You really need to clean this countertop off.  Maybe it's there.  God it's like you're a hoarder but with blog posts.  Why the hell haven't these gone in the binder yet? 
I don't fucking know.  Get off my case already.  Did you find it?
No.  goddamnit.  Oh wait!  What's this?!  Aw.  Two dollars.
Twoooo Doooolllaaaarrrs.  *giggle*  I love that movie.
You just love John Cusack.
ohmygod you're ridiculous.  Go check the sofa cushions.
Sofa cushions.  Check.
Well, the mystery of what happens to all the homework pencils has been solved and...a kaleidescope?  wtf?
Wait, what's that?
Nothin'.  Monopoly money.
DAMMIT!  Wait...what's going on outside?  Is that fighting?  Fuck.
"Hey!  You do NOT punch your brother in...a sensitive area, alright!  In fact, you should consider your entire brother a sensitive area!  Knock it off!"
Check the laundry room.  again.
Pocket.  pocket. pocket. pocket. times infinity plus one.  Nope.
Seriously.  I can't believe anyone asks your opinion on anything ever. Ever.
Right now?  Me either.  Holy crap this is just...oh my god I cannot believe this!.
No really.  Like, I can't even believe you have the ability to form words at all.
Look, you'll get no argument from me.  I am not giving up though.
Fuck no, you're not giving up.  That's four fucking HUNDRED dollars.  Moron.
Just help me okay?
You're going to feel even stupider when you find it.  You know that, right?
Probably.  But I'll have found it and I won't give one good goddamn about your opinion.  I'm checking the car again.
It's not in the car.  You already looked.
Well I already looked every other fucking place 17 times and it's not there either.  I'm checking the car.
Glove box?
Look, those were bought as a JOKE okay?  I know I'm going to die never having sex again.  Don't be jerk.  Fuck.  It's not in the car.  Oh my god kill me please, immediately, now, please.
Don't tempt me.
Events like this are exactly why I will never own a gun.
Maybe you should check your purse.  again.  *snicker*
Are you....?  I can't believe I'm even looking in this damn bag again.  There's THREE pockets.  ONE dollar.  You fucking suck for making me do that.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  That's how stupid you are.  ruh-TARD.
Remember that one time Tasha phonetically spelled it wrong and we got into an fb face-off about that?
Seriously?  You're bringing this up?  You want to make a videopology to Tasha now?
What?  Why not?
I just don't think you saying, "She dances exactly like a stripper." is going to come across as a compliment.
Maybe that's what she was going for...?
[raises eyebrow]
Okay fine.  No hard feelings, Tash, k?  Plz don't kill me?  I swear.  I was almost jealous when I saw that.  Promise.
You are so stupid.
Oh my god.  I know.  I give up.
Seriously, dude.  This is... I just... I fucking quit, okay?  Maybe it'll turn up later.
Maybe you're right.  This is really fucking tiring.
I swear too much.
Shut up and get me a beer, dammit.

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