Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Psychology, Spending and a Little Irony

To start us off, NBF1 would like to add a psychological layer to yesterday's topic about dick size.  NBF1 submits that the guys who come on all big, bad and machismo-ish then typically flee a potential relationship leaving a trail of flame only do so because they are intimidated once we show interest and they know they don't have the goods to back up their studtastic reputation/boasting.

Me: Like, his mouth writes a check his penis can't cash?
NBF1: YES!  Exactly!  You should put that in the blog!

And see?  Voila and stuff!  All for you NBF1. 

Now go to your breakfast meeting and learn more about how to shift the corporate paradigm and conquer the world.  Oprah isn't going to be on much longer.  I'm sure there's a waiting list by now.  I want an updated version of your 40 page PowerPoint business plan (not kidding folks, there's flowcharts and everything) and mesmerize me with words like "strategic market analysis restructure endpoint wherein expert professionals resourcing..."  You know...stuff like that.  I have no idea what you're talking about of course, but it sounds super cool.  I'll just give people the dumbed down version when you let me loose this cat from the bag.  It's total awesomeness, y'all.  No joke.  Internet-sters will just DIE over it.  In a good way.  Promise.

In other news, Dad got me a gift certificate for Mother's Day to this boutiquey little store I would normally never set foot in unless I was asking for a charity auction item or buying a gift for someone else.  I'm not exactly a boutiquely-type chick on the usual.  This classification may have to change though because this place has pretty cool stuff at very budget friendly prices.  Even for me.  And I am mad kinds of cheap.  Actually, most of the Real Housewives of Pleasant Valley are.  Not mad kinds of cheap I mean, but they love them some Target (who DOESN'T?!) 

So, for you RH's of PV, go visit Menagerie at Hilltop.  But only if you have some time to kill because Cheryl will talk at you loudly and, until your equilibrium is a little fucked up.  Despite that, she is not the least bit pushy (which I found surprising) and she loves her store a very lot.  She should.  She's got good taste.

But wait, I'm not saying Pleasant Valley doesn't have high end boutiques or RH's that love to spend scads of money in them, cause it totally DOES.  There's a whole upper eschelon here that I dabble with from time to time and they geek over places like that.  Those boutiques have things like mediocre looking driftwood statuettes for $350 even though I saw the same damn thing at TJ Maxx for $12 last month and thought THAT was wildly overpriced because I could walk down to the beach myself after a storm and skewer a ratty ass piece of driftwood with a stick myself for FREE.  But I wouldn't even do that, that is not even remotely attractive.

And Uber RHPV's?  Spending $350 on dumb driftwood isn't going to take away the sting of your husband's "golf trip."  You're going to need "private lessons" from your yoga instructor or favorite up and coming (ha) local artist for that kind of revenge.

And readers, you might be thinking, "Wait, Mike goes on golf trips all the time with the guys.  He tells me all about how everyone else gets hookers and blow.  But HE doesn't do any of that."  Yeah.  Um.  There's a few of us that heard that exact same thing a couple times.  Did he say how you can trust him because he wouldn't be telling you any of this if he'd had any part of it?  Something like that?  Oh look!  A beach-glass picture frame for $75!  Yes, what a steal!  Toddler art?  Who said that?  Nevermind!  Yes, that would go perfect in your guest bath.  Of course you should get it.  There now, doesn't that feel better?  [turns to camera.  shrugs] 

Anyway, on the way into work this morning we were at a stoplight and I saw a gentleman with the gift of circumference riding a motorscooter.  Next to a petite woman barely peeking over the wheel of a mammoth Chevy Suburban.  Oh, Irony...let me count the ways.

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