Thursday, June 10, 2010

Bikinis and Lines

Today in the surf shop dressing cubicle, I begrudgingly accepted that my String Bikini days are officially over.  I don't blame the strings so much as the pedophile who designed the ridiculously minute amount of fabric the strings were supposed to hold in place.  Or maybe I should blame the reincarnated Marquis de Sade who declared Brazilian waxing all the rage these days.  Because there's no way any woman over the age of puberty could wear that suit without lengthy and invasive salon treatments.  Or perhaps I shouldn't be shopping in a store that only carries Juniors bikinis.  Whatever.  I'm totally not going to stop shopping there, the stuff is so cute!  The bikinis stay.  The pedophiles and sadists who designed the itsy bitsy string versions of them however?  They can fuck off. 

I like my bikinis and I don't care if you think they're not age appropriate...I just can't bring myself to wear another kind of suit yet.  Like, if you ever see me in a tankini?  You obviously have me confused with someone else.  I would never wear one of those.

Skirted one piece?  Only when I was pregnant because I have a sense of decency you're welcome but the next time you see me in a skirted one piece I will be on the Today Show pushing a walker with beach buggy wheels across the sand arm in arm with the dorky weather man to celebrate my 100th birthday.

Anyway, no string bikinis for me anymore.  But nothing out of the Land's End catalog either.

Going back to the topic of waxing for a minute.  The Brazilian.  yeesh.  I'm not masochistic enough to go that route.  Do you realize that procedure is?  No fucking way.  "Regular" waxing is fine by me and even though I'm a DIYer with most projects I have zero problem hiring out for that particular task.  But you have to go to the right place.  There are puh-lenty of wrong places out there.  And I won't go to those.  again.

The place with the gurney in the corner, enclosed only by a loosely hanging shower curtain?  Nope.  Total paranoia.  Quit opening the curtain!  Isn't there someone else who can answer the fucking phone?!

The place staffed by gum-smacking teenagers?  I don't even trust them to remotely operate a tanning bed.  Nuh-uh.

The place with the door that closes but the chick says, "You're not modest, are you?" and doesn't really wait for a response before whipping off the towel leaving you as exposed as a GYN visit but minus the professionalism?  *shudder*  Never again, Angel.

The place I go has a door that closes and locks, diffused lighting except for the cosmetic magnifying lamp, soft music, paper panties that you can't tell if you're wearing backwards or not and always very attractive estheticians.  It's almost like the best lipstick lesbian fetish date ever.  Of course I'm totally guessing on that one.  There's what's-the-occasion? or are-you-still-seeing-that-guy? small talk depending on the length of time between visits and the chit chat is peppered with "could you move your knee a little...there.  Perfect.  Hold still."

And once, now this may have crossed an ethical line or something I'm not 100% about that but it always struck me as odd...this one time one of the estheticians actually blew on my skin after removing the wax strip.  I don't mean that to be a horror story because, come on, who couldn't use a little cool air treatment after hot wax has just been ripped off a sensitive part of your body in a swift, fluid motion?  It certainly felt nice, but what I'm saying here is that you're putting your mouth very close to my extreme inner thigh area and I'm pretty sure I'd feel way more comfortable if I at least knew your last name or something.  She wasn't there the next time I went back though.  I chose not to take that personally.

Anyway, if you decide not to brave the salon wax adventure and think shaving is a better way to economize...well, that's your choice I guess.  I'm not here to tell you what to do.  But I will offer this helpful tip.  Invest in some clinical strength antiperspirant or whatever kind has an astronomically unhealthy level of aluminum somethingorother in it and apply that to your bikini line after shaving.  It's a Stripper trick to prevent razor burn.

The answer is still "no" btw.  I have never been a stripper.  Although I have tried the antiperspirant trick.  It works.

No comments: