Tuesday, June 29, 2010

A Mirror Would Have Been Helpful

Any day you show up for work with the three middle buttons of your blouse unbuttoned, you should probably just scrap that day entirely.

In my defense - I did not look in the mirror after I got dressed.  Which I probably should have.  Because later I caught my full length reflection and realized that pairing a shirt with 3/4 length sleeves and capri pants makes it look like I grew 5 inches since I put on clothes.  And I'm only 5'3".

Also - I buckle my seat belt immediately upon entering my Dad's car and then promptly close my eyes to avoid having a seizure because of his terrifying "driving" so the button placket was covered and I wasn't looking anyway.

And I'm pretty sure this is the final proof I needed that my father becomes legally blind behind the wheel of an automobile because certainly he should have noticed that my shirt was wide.  the fuck.  open.  when I got in the damn car.  god sakes, Dad!  I'm your daughter.  And your morning receptionist.  What the hell kind of operation are you running here?!

Wouldn't you tell someone their clothes were hanging off?  I would.  Except for Lindsay Lohan I mean, I think that's the look she was going for.  Anyway, I tuck tags in on people and mention toilet paper on the shoe.  I even helped a bride bustle her dress once.  Now, the fact that she was out at a bar known for its beer-soaked concrete floor still wearing her wedding gown probably indicates that maybe she wouldn't have a problem with cigarette burns and jello shooter stains on the train of her dress, but I didn't want anyone to trip over it either.  Like me.  maybe.  So I was helpful but possibly a little self motivated as well.

As an act of reciprocity it is not uncommon for me to request a "tooth check" after a meal if I am in a location with no mirrors.  And I don't care how well I know you, I want the truth, okay?  If I have pepper in my teeth and you don't tell me about it?  Even after I ask?  Well then, I totally didn't notice your skirt was tucked into your panties either.  I swear.

Betty agrees with me on this.  She spent some serious time talking me off the ledge this afternoon.  Not just about the shirt thing, I was 7 different kinds of hormonal today and after scaring the living hell out of a driver in the grocery store parking lot then coming home and eating a couple Pamprin because debating death by rifle blast to the face or a solid smack upside the head with the flat of a shovel seemed like a terrible way to spend my time and I needed a good talking to.

So Betty let me vent.  Then she told me a story about going to Water Country USA, which is the white trash water park of choice and where everyone should go to feel a little better about themselves in a swimsuit.

She was people watching (by far the best spectator sport in the history of EVER) and noticed a 60-ish year old woman in a bikini.  No problem with that, more power to ya, don't hide that light under a bushel, etc.  Anyway, it was a white string bikini with hot pink strings and the jury was still out as to whether or not this woman was rocking said bikini because it looked like the bottoms might have been on inside out.  Unlined suit.  Hard to tell.  Could have been just a tag issue.  And while that's not a tag I'll discretely tuck back in on a close friend, I'll definitely mention it.  Even to a stranger.

Then Betty reported that the fashion police were ready to slap a big, black "Glamour Don't" bar over the woman's face when she bent over.  And revealed the "HYGIENIC PROTECTION - DO NOT REMOVE" panty liner sticker still clearly attached to the crotch of the suit.

Excuse me?  Ma'am?  Hold still a sec.  *rrrriiiip!*  got it.  here ya go!

Okay, she didn't really pull the sticker off but I am happy to report that Betty is recovering nicely after nearly dying from laughter.

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