The boyfriend thing

What I want from a boyfriend
12.19.07

Someone mature, intelligent, hilarious and established. Someone who has been married before, who understands what a good relationship should be and what a bad relationship can be and chooses the good. Someone supportive without being clingy. Someone charming and dynamic, charitably minded, sensitive, caring, strong, athletic, beautiful, sexy and confident without being an egomaniac. Someone resourceful, who likes music and movies and entertaining. Someone who adores me while maintaining the chase.

Revised
12.29.07

Oh yeah, who was I trying to kid…

I am far too raw for a relationship. Not in a pretty way like sushi-grade tuna or steak tartar, just simply in a not-fit-for-human-consumption way. I can’t imagine a person who could walk into this right now. I am completely exposed and too vulnerable to play pretends at all the cute you get at the beginning of the dating process. I thought I could, but soon realized I have too much to deal on my own before trying to build something new with another human being. Dinner was great, but me…not so much. What a disaster I was…ugh.

My path still is, and may always be under construction, but right now it seems to be closed to traffic. Imagine a road after an earthquake with downed trees hanging on exposed power lines; buckled sections of asphalt littered with buildings one false step away from collapse. No sudden movements.

Now it’s all completely torn up, full of potholes and pitfalls and utterly un-drivable. The only way to navigate this would be with a cautiously alert tiptoe movement. Perhaps in the future I’ll be able to set cones up and allow travel on the safe parts…just not right now.

Friends You Keep

I made a resolution for myself a couple of months ago that I would not intentionally avoid someone I used to know if I ran into them randomly.

This doesn't sound like a hard resolution to keep, but think of all the people you see and recognize but just don't say hi to for whatever reason. You're busy, they look busy, it's been so long, whatever. There are plenty of ways to justify, but ultimately you look back on that moment and wonder why you didn't just go over and say 'hello.'

Christmas shopping had me out in places where I saw a bunch of people including a boy I haven't seen in about 10 years who used to be my best friend in the world and it was SO good to see him again, his older brother, a family friend, and another school friend from a million years ago. I accidentally didn't say hi to one person. I meant to but I was looking for a specific book in a store and she was too. I think she might have seen me, but we were both too involved to say hi, then I lost her. I kind of hate that.

I resolve again to break from the minutiae moment and make a connection. It matters not whether you get the Easy Bake Oven or the perfect book, that's not what you'll remember years down the road. You'll remember the last time you talked to Kristen...or didn't.

This is partly inspired by Monica who crossed decades to say hello in restaurant. For that, I am ever thankful.