Monday, December 31, 2007

The boyfriend thing

What I want from a boyfriend

Someone mature, intelligent, hilarious and established. Someone who has been married before, who understands what a good relationship should be and what a bad relationship can be and chooses the good. Someone supportive without being clingy. Someone charming and dynamic, charitably minded, sensitive, caring, strong, athletic, beautiful, sexy and confident without being an egomaniac. Someone resourceful, who likes music and movies and entertaining. Someone who adores me while maintaining the chase.


Oh yeah, who was I trying to kid…

I am far too raw for a relationship. Not in a pretty way like sushi-grade tuna or steak tartar, just simply in a not-fit-for-human-consumption way. I can’t imagine a person who could walk into this right now. I am completely exposed and too vulnerable to play pretends at all the cute you get at the beginning of the dating process. I thought I could, but soon realized I have too much to deal on my own before trying to build something new with another human being. Dinner was great, but me…not so much. What a disaster I was…ugh.

My path still is, and may always be under construction, but right now it seems to be closed to traffic. Imagine a road after an earthquake with downed trees hanging on exposed power lines; buckled sections of asphalt littered with buildings one false step away from collapse. No sudden movements.

Now it’s all completely torn up, full of potholes and pitfalls and utterly un-drivable. The only way to navigate this would be with a cautiously alert tiptoe movement. Perhaps in the future I’ll be able to set cones up and allow travel on the safe parts…just not right now.

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