Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Parts War

Okay, so I am in this figurative place where I feel like I have to make everything happen like yesterday, but today I was kind of content just to sit outside and read a book and then make dinner for my Dad.

I read Nora Ephron's "I Feel Bad About My Neck" today and have been trying to get through George Carlin's "When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops" for about a week now. As much as I love his sense of humor and all the crazy-ass shit he has/had to say…I have only been able read for about half an hour at a time then I have to go do something else for a while before I can come back to it. It's a lot to process.

I have been trying to network in other ways as far as making the job/career/next phase thing happen, but I admit I had a plan in place today that I got too chicken to see through. Ugly pattern of talking myself out of stuff emerged again (and I even knew it while it was happening) but I couldn't stop it.

I got overwhelmingly nervous and cocooned. That is so stupid.

I am in the middle of what my mother would call a "Parts War."

A Parts War is when one part of you tells you to do one thing and another part tells you to do the opposite. You struggle with the decision for whatever amount of time, then make a choice and either reap the rewards or suffer the consequences. Granted, the Parts War reeks of schizophrenia, but it really is regular. Think of the classic sitcom "angel on one shoulder and devil on the other"…everybody deals with this at some point (or that wouldn't be such a common TV thing, right?).

The devil won today I think, because I didn't challenge myself. Grumble.

See, I sat out on the deck reading and justifying why even though I was one perfect outfit and a hairdryer away from being out the door to my future, it was better for me to just sit there and read. I was taking things in. I was learning.

Surely I would find something valuable on those pages that would help me do what I really want to do…tomorrow. And you know, Nora Ephron is a pretty cool cat. I may have not been wrong to read today.

Justifications aside, with the zodiac now in Leo we're in my natural New Year. It's a time to make things happen. For me, tomorrow is not some wistfully wished for "someday." Tomorrow is Wednesday. Wednesday is a good day to do stuff.

To quote Yoda: "Do or do not. There is no 'try'."

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