Saturday, August 23, 2008

Ready to be ready

Okay, so, I'm in this weird "stuck" place right now. I am circling, searching, eager to move forward, but find myself standing still for longer than I expected. It was much easier to have a "conquer the world" plan in place before the kids came back. Now I've downshifted into Mom-mode and am focused on deprogramming the boys from their SUMMER WITH DAD. We've got school supplies covered, bedtime routines in place, and sassing and sugar consumption has been replaced with "Yes ma'am" and vegetables. So what if I let them play outside 'til dark last night and watch Big Brother with me while eating dinner in the living room…it's still summer for cryin' out loud and I'm not a complete control freak.

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that I am trying to figure out What's Next.

I have a whole future out there to discover and at the same time I am reconnecting with old friends like crazy. I've recently gotten sucked into Facebook and am connecting with people I haven't seen in a bajillion years. But I'm having these moments where I feel like, "You're supposed to be moving forward, not back. How in the world is this productive?!"

I have the sense that sifting through these memories will unlock some code to where I am supposed to be next. Like a detective sorting through a box of evidence that they've been over a million times looking for that one piece that connects it all and solves the mystery.

I think I know who I am. I mean, I do know who I am…but there's something I'm not getting (intellectually speaking), 'cause I still feel stuck…and uncomfortably like I'm running out of time to get "unstuck." Grr.

A bright spot is that my Dad is going to see a psychic tomorrow, so in a mere 12 hours all my questions could be answered. Enough with the eye-rolling…she's really good. She described in detail my whole relationship with my ex YEARS before I even met him. I however (not being psychic) went ahead and married him anyway…damn hindsight. But the thing is…she left off with predictions for me once I hit 35. I'm 36 now and clearly not dead yet, just a little clueless. So…Help? I am ready to be "Ready for my Close-Up."

As Beck said, "Things are gonna change; I can feel it." So say I. Oooh though (insert slight wince here), that was from the song "Loser"…I don't know if that bodes well…shudder.

Fingers crossed.

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