Silver Thinks

My X should light a candle to the god of geography for the miracle that he is still breathing. If he were anywhere near me he would be on a ventilator right now after his behavior today, or rather lackthereof. He was supposed to come over with one of his minions today to do some home repair...and they never showed up. Actually, he was supposed to call another of his minions to come do the work without him, but this one particular minion stepped in and said something to the effect of, "Hey, you don't need to pay somebody to replace a garbage disposal/dishwasher/shower apparatus/window/etc. I'll be in town, we can do it together for free." Groan. Yes and let's clean out this old barn and put on a show while were at it...gimme a fuckin' break.

Why, you may ask, would I rely on my X for home repair when he is the most unreliable person I have ever met in my life? Seriously, the day he becomes reliable I will die from shock. I would tell him this, but it wouldn't make a difference...oh sure, he'd enjoy the idea of it, but that man has absolutely no follow through whatsoever. Alzheimer's patients have their shit more together than he does. It's disappointing really. Anyway, the answer is that I had to go through him because I don't have the money to hire someone to do the bajillion things that NEED to be done around here. They're all little things that wouldn't cost that much to fix individually but all together...? The bill is gonna be impressive I'm sure. The number is pretty close to a bajillion because I have been putting this stuff off for months and in some cases for years. I'm not exaggerating. I have a door that has been broken since 1999. I know it was 1999 because I was three months pregnant at the time. We got in a fight because I didn't want to find out the sex of the baby...and he did...so, like one does during a disagreement, he freaked the fuck out and broke a door. I don't think Dr. Phil was invented yet.

Things have slid slowly downhill with the house since then. Honestly, as it was happening I really didn't care that much. I chalk it up to being a fairly low-maintenance chick, well, that and what's probably a medicate-able amount of depression, but I'm through with that now and the disrepair has reached an unacceptable level. The kids are at an age where they're having friends over; I am at a stage where I would like to have friends over...but the place is literally falling apart and it's embarrassing. It's at the point where "excuse the mess" doesn't cover it. I would have to blindfold guests in the driveway before allowing them in...and sorry but those aren't the kind of parties I'm looking to have.

I was going to be thrifty about the repairs. Part of me is still going to be thrifty because that's how I'm hard wired. I'm not going to go all hog wild with designer appliances and fixtures and such, just update enough to be functional. However, another part of me is going to exact retribution from him in the form of flooring. I am learning to embrace that part of me. I was going to replace the carpet with the same stock, stupid, light brown kind that's already there hidden somewhere beneath juice and other stains that have been accumulating over the last decade. I priced it out two months ago with padding and everything. Now I'm going to replace it with oak colored laminate that will match the kitchen and dining room. Because that's what I want and after all this jackass behavior of his, that's what he's going to give me.

This may sound spoiled. It probably is. And I swear, I never meant to be a gold digger; it's not how I was raised AT ALL. It's funny, I told someone that the other day and she responded with, "You just fell into it?" I love that girl. But really, I did! I just fell into it! As Dr. Phil says (or rather *used to say* I don't know for sure because I don't watch him anymore), "You teach people how to treat you." My X has taught me to treat him like a wallet with legs. If he were capable of being anything else, I would gladly treat him as such. When he has moments of clarity, I try to treat him like a person. Much to my chagrin he slips back into human ATM mode with a frightening degree of alacrity and we have to keep doing this stupid dance. It's exhausting. It's why he's my X. If I thought five years ago I would still be going through this with him, I would have stayed married to him...no, wait, that's wrong...I would surely be widowed by now if that had been allowed to continue. See? Prime example of how geography has kept him alive.

Anyway, neither he nor any one of his minions showed today and he didn't answer or return any of my 20 phone calls between the hours of 1 and 5 pm. I didn't expect him to after the second one, I just wanted to make a point. Sometimes I'm forced into playing the crazy ass bitch of an ex-wife. Trust me, it's not a role I savor. I'm not even that good at it. I didn't leave messages or text him or anything. I should watch more Maury and take notes. Wait, real gold diggers aren't into Maury...I need to DVR Housewives of Orange County.

In keeping with my amateur status...rather than kill him when I see him again, I will get my floor (among other things) and everyone will walk away happy...well, maybe not everyone will be happy, but they will walk away alive.