Sunday, September 27, 2009

Alright, so I'm smack in the middle of this floor project and I am questioning my color choices. Only sort of though. I had originally thought I would paint the floor something reminiscent of a sandy beach with a tan and white tile pattern. Then I remembered that white floors are in diametric opposition to my cleaning personality. Light tan/dark tan? Beachy-ish but potentially too 70s rec room parque floor...nope. Black and white? Too formal, and then there's that white again...inevitable disaster. THEN I thought of pulling from the colors off the walls...Sea Foam green and a light turquoise...hmmm...yep. Beachy...cute, I saw something similar in Cottage Living once, so there you go.

Then my kid suggested a purple instead of turquoise. I considered it for a moment. I mean, I really wanted to paint my bedroom Sea Foam green with lavender trim when I was 16, so I GET it...but no. I had to shut that down because it would look too cream parlory (not that there's anything wrong with that). Yada yada, I picked a bolder turquoise today just 'cuz. Why the hell not, y'know? What's the worst that could happen? It's a concrete floor for crying out loud. If it looks horrible just carpet over the damn thing, or repaint it or whatever. Seriously. On it's ugliest day it couldn't be more tragic than that vomitous carpet from before.

The whole thing has been crazy enough that I have to go with it rather than be consumed by self doubt at this point. Just the fact that I ripped up the carpet is a pretty big deal. This reminds me so much of when my X left. I didn't have a discernable plan in sight then either; I just knew I was done with him and he had to go. I had faith that the future would work itself out. And it has. Not that I've been that great at navigating it so far, but I'm better equipped to deal with this chaos than anyone I know. I resolutely submit that any other girl subjected to his and his family's particular brand of manipulation would have been reduced to pulp by now. Me? Not so much. I'll get back to this in a minute.

For now the fun part about this project is that I haven't told them (the outlaws) about it yet. I haven't even told them about the dead TV. When they find out I'd rather do without a carpet or a mongo TV than rely on them for assistance they will fall all over themselves to fix it. Here's the thing, if I had lamented to them from the outset about how much I HATED the carpet or how I'd accidentally busted the TV they would have ignored me entirely and on purpose. They hate giving me things I want. It's only when I tell them how much I don't want or need something that they thrust it upon me with ferocious velocity (i.e. thanks for the Fry Baby despite my many vehement protestations). The more I resist, the more they'll pursue. I swear to god, they can't do it any other way. Bre'er Rabbit may have been the most useful story my mother ever read to me. The trick is knowing how to use this information. And I always thought I never had a poker face.

Anyway, getting back to being pulp...or rather not being pulp. I have a couple of friends who are in dire need of relationship makeovers (as in they should get out of the relationships in which they are currently involved), but I can't schedule an intervention. I know someone who thinks I won't be happy until everyone I know is divorced. That isn't the case at all. I am a fan of marriage, really, it's just that I can only think of about two people in my friend circle who are in viable, healthy relationships. Maybe three. Aside from that, it would be too hypocritical. Even though I am divorced, I am too deeply entangled in my X and his everyday bullshit. I'm not romanticallty interested in him; you'd do better to bet on a snowball's chance in hell than that we'd get back together but I still have to deal with him. Kids. I love 'em to the end of the planet but ugh sometimes!

See, I have one friend who is so stressed out about her guy that she landed in the ICU over it. I have another friend who is just waiting for her husband to lose job his again (and not because of the economy) before she takes a powder. I can't make either them cut and run before real tragedy strikes. I can't sit here and say, "See? It's so much better without him!" Even though it is.


When we have begun to take charge of our lives, to own ourselves, there is no longer any need to ask permission of someone. - George O'Neil

You are searching for the magic key that will unlock the door to the source of power; and yet you have the key in your own hands, and you may use it the moment you learn to control your thoughts. - Napoleon Hill

If things seem under control, you are just not going fast enough. - Mario Andretti

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