Tuesday, October 6, 2009

People Watching

Whenever someone types "ROFLMFAO" I think, "Really?  You can string together a complex acronym like that but the word 'definitely' comes along and stumps you?  You gotta throw an 'a' in there?"  If you hesitate even a moment on that one, pick another fucking word. Even an "oh yeah" would suffice.  The aforementioned acronym is the Black Belt for idiots by the way, which is slightly weird because it isn't even easy to type especially in ALL CAPS (well, it isn't easy if you type all caps with one pinkie on the shift key the way I do).  Oh, and the number of exclamation points afterward shows the degree of Idiot Black Belt one has achieved.

I am horrible at being a groupie.  I have probably mentioned this before, but I am constantly reminded that I suck at it.  I would never in a million, bajillion years go on a dating reality show like The Bachelor.  I can't compete in a cougar den.  Wait, I could compete but when the other women I'm up against are the ROFLMFAO type...christ on a crutch, I really don't want to.  Honestly, if that's the kind of chick a guy is going dig on, he will not dig on me.  You know why?  Because I'll see that he's an acronym lover and I'll start making fun of him to his face.  I'll do it with a brilliant smile, but eventually he'll pick up on the sarcasm and think I'm mean.  He won't be wrong.

This is the part where people say, "Aw, you're too picky. Give him a chance, you never know."  To that I say, "Shut up."  I do know.  This is what life experience is for, people.  You live, you learn and you move on.  For example: I will never date a 42 year old unemployed pool boy...again.  The mid-30s guy living with his parents, just waiting for his band to make it big? nope.  40-something with a name-engraved Bible and the entire Ann Coulter library...notsomuch.  Guys like that are distracted by the next boob job that walks into the room and leave me wondering what I could have done better to keep their attention.  Oh sure, I could vamp it up with scented body glitter or run out and get a badass dolphin tattoo, but I'm not going to.  If you have done this I am sure it made sense at the time.  I hope it worked for you.  My reason for not doing things like this is my own. Don't judge.

So anyway, if I think a guy is cute and I strike up a conversation then get bumped by the perma-tan chick with a layer of foundation reminiscent of a Glamour Shots gift package...thank you for the Cliff's Notes version of what a relationship with you would be like.

P.S. This is not an invitation for applications, so run along back to your WoW/ferret/pit bull/LOTR box set/wife...now.

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