Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Dating and Other Competitive Behavior

Alright, so I had a date last week. Was it just last week? Feels like a million years ago... Anyway, the date. It didn't go poorly. The onion rings were fantastic. I learned soooo much about this gentleman in that one hour. There will not be a second date. Because of one single word. It was not "separated" (rather than fully divorced). It was not "vasectomy" (although that was mentioned). It was "scripture." He said the word scripture more than once in all seriousness and that was it. My flaw-finding ability is practically Seinfeldian.

I am not an online dating expert by any stretch of the imagination but I have done my fair share of lurking in the years since the divorce. Coming up on 4 weeks of Match I have come to a few conclusions. First stop: Screen name. If your screen name is A1realpapi, or Hotbluded14U I do not need to even look at your photo. You are an idiot. Next: Photo. If your photo hasn't been updated in 5 years I do not need to read your profile. C: Profile. If your profile is misspelled I do not need to meet you in person. I can forgive typos but seriously, spelling counts here people, come on. And finally, if you refer to the Bible more than once on a first date, I do not need a second.

Also, what the hell is up with the rise of the moustache? I mean...seriously, no. I should add that to my "what are you looking for" section: Spelling counts and NO moustaches. And no Bible. But it really doesn't matter because week 4 is it for me. There will not be a week 5. I have not met "the one," I will NOT try eHarmony (those commercials are creepy as fuck), I do not even need to meet someone just for the "networking" opportunities. I have real friends who've known me for longer than 5 emails and an hourlong lunch that have a MUCH better handle on someone who would be "perfect" for me...if that were to ever come up. Which it hasn't in...yes, 5 years...so I am not holding my breath with that. I am not desperate. Not. Right? Nah.

If I were desperate then I would hitch my wagon to the former youth pastor's star totally overlooking the red flag I call "scripture," or the guy who does pirate re-enactments (eyeroll), or the one who emailed me 10 times in a half hour (with no response from me, mind you) campaigning for a date that night: "Sushi? Steak? Whatever you want! Name it! What? Do I have to buy you flowers? Will that help my case? Answer ME!" (AAAACK!), or the guy who is at least ten years out of my age range whose photo is him leaning his paunch on what looks to be a leased mercedes convertible in the middle of fucking nowhere (like I'm letting that fucker take me to a secondary location where no one can hear the screaming...), or the one who talked about his crazyass ex-wife drama over instant message and who has a "diverse" group of friends (that's code for freakshow btw). Oh there were so many. Too many to say no to. It just isn't fair to them. So yeah, not desperate. Open to suggestions but not biting every hook in the water for christ's sake.

What else? The reunion planning is going well. Have to get my ass in gear and plan another meeting. Also have to get ink for the printer, divvy up the list of 553 classmates for committee members to stalk track down for contact info, create a website, email some dude to create a logo for possible event t-shirts and whatnot. It's only January. I have time. It will be here before I know it though. Ten months can fly...wait...now nine? Holy lord. See?!

My consolation is that our rival high school's reunion is being planned simultaneously (planned, not held simultaneously) and I can see on facebook how that's going so far.

[Evil, competitive laughter] Hahahaha...

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