Thursday, January 28, 2010

I'm grown and I do what I want

Cheap Trick said it simplest 30 years ago. "I want you to want me."

The trick is how to make yourself be wanted. Some people think (used to be me for example) that you have to mould yourself into someone else's ideal for that to happen. I have done that so many times. I adopted husband's/boyfriends' hobbies, habits, or their particular brand of reality as my own to the point that I subjugated myself entirely and on purpose. And I became exhausted, miserable and ultimately alone. Either I had some moment of clarity that ended it or they decided I was a doormat that needed replacing. Neither assessment was off base.

How do you keep true to yourself in a relationship? It is supposed to be about compromise, right? So...what's the balance? How do you stay you AND be with someone else AND make it work? Honestly, I don't know. I haven't done that yet.

My thing since the marriage ended has been figuring out who I am. What I like. What I want to do. Making choices. Making changes. Taking responsibility for myself and not hiding behind anyone else. It hasn't always worked out well. I take solace in the knowledge that if you don't fall then you don't learn how not to fall (thank you merciless skiing lesson circa 1993). I have experimented being clumsy so many ways. I should be super graceful by now? Eh, not exactly.

I am a total fuckup plenty of the time, still navigating the map of how to be who I am. Sometimes though I am who I am, completely in the moment and I am pretty good at it. In charge, taking names, the whole deal. And what happens when you meet a person there? Someone you find attractive who gets you, who likes you at the same time you like you...and it kind of works? Is it RIGHT or is it just right now?

For now, it is just right now. It's about being wanted...and wanting. And figuring out how to manage it. The thrill of the chase is such a...thrill. I have to keep it...the chase that is. My best friend told me once, "Don't play hard to get. Be hard to get." In my heart I am what another friend (an almost imaginary one) calls a Black Widow. I hear you both.

Oh, this isn't a thing by the way. I still have zero faith in that site. I'm not off it yet because I forgot to cancel my subscription and they auto-renewed me. grrrr. One more month of winks from men with ridiculous screen names. Another thing...I surfed the "competition" (other women in my demographic)...dear christ, I do not belong here.

Anyway, what does this mean for you? What gem can you take away from my meandering?

Be who you are out loud. Because you're grown and you do what you want. Never regret a lesson learned. Just make sure you ace that lesson before you try it the next time. Don't be the doormat, don't be the shoe, just open the damn door to the possibilities and see what happens...'cuz it's gonna be something.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Awesome post, Silver! Always love reading your blog.