Tuesday, March 23, 2010

It Ends With Snake Rasslin' (not like that)

Lots of things swimming around in my head.  Yesterday I was too much with the wine to post anything remotely coherent.  I am not going to talk about conversating tonight.

SuperQuick Dad update: No news is good news.

Quick X update: He's in Carolina for a week with his enabling entourage.  Saw him yesterday for a brief minute.  ...meh?  He carries weight around his middle like Grimace.  Or maybe those golfer wind shirts aren't the most flattering look.  X looks like he's melting.  But not like that awesome melty face guy from Raiders of the Lost Ark.  More like an old Butternut Squash.

Thing 1 update:  More teasing generally related to the haircut.  I personally love this haircut.  Think Beach Boys.  Think 80's skater dude.  Kids today don't think of that though.  They think of EmoRocker.  They say the word "gay" a lot.  A not-gay 9 year old doesn't like being called gay.  I don't even think a gay 9 year old would like that.  And where the hell were these kids when Lindsay Lohan did that don't-say-gay-as-an-insult PSA?!  Thank you PSA for the rise of the word "retarded" instead.  Interesting move.  Anyway, I have mixed feelings about kids not giving a shit about Lindsay Lohan's opinion, but I did go out and give them my version of hellonwheels for teasing and namecalling.  It ended with, "You. [straight arm finger point] Get your bike out of my yard."  I was pissed.  Even when they're all taller than me (next week) I plan on continuing to scare the shit out of them.  ...okay...and I'll give out popsicles.  Stupid as they can get, kids are kids.  Shit happens.

Audrey update: Audrey's fiancee who has been briefly introduced as a sociopathic narcissist against whom I wish to incite a torch-carrying rally or possibly kill 75 different ways continues to live up to expectations.  He is tiresome tireless in his pursuit to grind her into dust under his heel.  She has become numb to this process.  For example: She changed her facebook profile pic today.  20 minutes later she gets an email from him asking why in 8 months she hasn't put up one profile pic of the two of them.  Tells her that must mean she doesn't care about their relationship.  And then later "just kidding, shouldn't have mentioned it"  (We went over "just kidding" the other day, right?  You know my thoughts on this)  Anyway, that is one little snippet of years of "you don't love me as much as I love you" accusations. 

Dear Anyone Who Reads This, Please take a moment to reflect on the "you don't love me as much as I love you" thing.  Have you ever been in a relationship like that, either on the giving or receiving end?  How did that work out?  What did you learn?  Leave a comment of sharing.  See, Audrey reads this daily and sometimes she needs to hear another perspective besides mine.  Thank you so much for your help here, my most dear and lovely random readers who I may or may not know but love in a special way and think of often.
Nameless Best Friend #1: She had a literal snake in her house which took on figurative and metaphorical significance after I climbed into a bottle of red wine yesterday.  The snake is gone now but the whole event was pretty epic.  Snake in the laundry room.  She doesn't flip out but needs help (and she gets a happy break from laundry...kinda yay?).  She seeks help.  With Vanilla Pudding (husband): misses.  With Exterminator: misses.  With MacGuyver Neighbor (MY #1 suggestion btw, just sayin'): hits!  Gets the right help from him in the form of a snake wranglin' tool made from found objects (not kidding).  Now she is not afraid of the snake!  Has the right tool.  (Snake catching is a metaphor for pursuing her true self) 

Doesn't catch the snake on the first try.  Gets more help today (exterminator).  SHE HELPS catch the snake!  Pets the snake even!  (GRRRROSS!)  Vanilla Pudding shows up exactly the moment after the catastrophe has been thwarted.  She gives Vanilla Pudding a Jackson to hand the snake rasslin' exterminator dude on the way out.  I said, "NBF1!  What were you thinking?  Didn't we just talk about how everybody thinks he's fine and you come off looking crazy?  You just made that more possible!  What the hell?!  He didn't have anything to do with this.  You should have handed the snake rassler the cash yourself!  Why did you give that moment away?!"  She will talk about this in therapy tomorrow morning. 

And see?  Snake situation is a metaphor even on the back end of the story and when I am not filled with illegal amounts of red wine.  [Tags NBF1's therapist.  "Go!"]

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Audrey, quit wasting your time with loser fiancee...if you did love him as much as he loves you, then you would already be his wife. just kidding...