Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Calling All Friends! Relationship Advice Needed! (a facebook note)

Shit has got to GIVE already with Audrey.  I even wrote a fucking facebook note looking for input about it.  I will share this with you, dear reader, because I am totally SEE-REE-US here.  Read on.  Weigh in.  And know that I love you too.

Facebook Note:

Calling All Friends!  Relationship Advice Needed!

I have a friend who needs relationship advice. This is not an instance where "friend" is code for "me." She is a real-live friend and she is dealing with a real-live situation here that requires immediate attention because, seriously people, there's only so many creative ways I can say, "Break up with him RIGHT NOW!" before my brain starts oozing out of my left ear.

So, I am asking YOU, my dear, beloved, cherished, trusted (and other flattering words) facebook friends: Will you pretty please read what follows and comment? Immediately, right now and/or today? Because you don't want to see me ruin this shirt with brain ooze, do you? No? Good. I didn't think so. This is exactly why I love you all so much. I pre-emptively throw a ticker tape parade of thanks for all of your words of wisdom and other brilliance.

This is an excerpt of an email I received this morning, edited for anonymity. There's a whole history here but I don't have time to go through seventeen thousand emails and lay it all out for you. You are smart, you can work with this. I think this exchange is a fine example of what my friend (NOT ME) deals with on a daily basis. She wrote:

Went walking last night. Anonymous Male Partner's gout has him laid up again. So I went by myself. This was the conversation.

My Friend: I guess I better go before it gets dark.
Anonymous Male Partner: Yes, because after dark wouldn't work with you being alone.

[My Friend turns to camera] Ok...the minute I'm afraid to walk in the dark by myself just shoot me ok?...anyway...

MF: I'm taking my phone in case I have a heart attack. [chuckles]
AMP: That or in case your boyfriend calls. [does not chuckle]
MF: I dont have a fucking boyfriend, Anonymous Male Partner!
AMP: Why are you snapping at me? It was just a joke and you act like you want to claw my eyes out!

Because it is not a joke. Because he knows and I know that somewhere he does think I took my phone so I could be sneaky. That's why I wanted to claw his eyes out.

To answer any questions:

The heart attack comment was in reference to the fact that she had an actual, real-live heart attack recently (see?! totally NOT ME).

The boyfriend comment was one of about a bajillion remarks like that Anonymous Male Partner of Several Years makes on a daily basis.

The phone thing alludes to the fact that he snoops through her phone everytime she leaves the room.

Oh, and also she has Never cheated on him. Ever. But he has on her. uuuhhhh-huh.

Armed with these nuggets of information, my most special-est and wonderful-est friends ever in the whole world, what does this look like to you?

Or is it no big deal and I shouldn't have wasted your time with the reading?

Please help, because I really like this shirt. And I think dry cleaners would charge a TON of money to remove brain ooze.

[Ticker tape parade of thanks begins]


diane said...

Well, from this little bit of info, it sounds like he's VERY suspicious, and she isn't having much fun in the relationship. Yes, relationships take work, but they shouldn't be a CHORE. Are they even having good conversations ifyouknowhatimean?

p.s. I am in awe of your prodigious entries.

Silver said...

Agree with your CHORE pov. This is for sure what it feels like for her. Especially with the conversations. Conversations are very onesided. Not in her favor unfortunately. And he wants to talk all the damn time.

And thank you for your ps (?) I hope I don't exhaust like some others do. :)

Anonymous said...

I've read comments from everyone. I understand the situation. It sucks. The guy can be a jerk, but you love him. I get it. I am similar to you. There remains ONE thing keeps going through my mind...What about your...SON?!

You are a mother. I am a mother. Silver is a mother. (Honestly, I use that term in the highest regard.) You have a son, I have a son, Silver has two sons. At some point, the men we "loved" were someone else's son. You are a MOTHER - Your son's perception of the world and how to treat those in it are impactacted DIRECTLY by YOU! That is a tremendous responsibility. That is YOUR responsibility.

Am I the "best" mom. No. My kids inspire me to be a I strive to see life through the eyes I WANT my kids to have. It doesn't work every day, but I try my best. I give my husband the benefit of the doubt that he wants the same (some evidence to the contrary). It happens that the man in my life is the father of my kids.

Consider for a moment that you are giving the "man" in your life (who is not the father of your son) the effective title of Primary Masculine Role Model. By his treatment of you, what example is he setting? Are those the lessons you want your son to learn? No? Then, do NOT give him that power. He is not the father of your child. YOU decide. YOU!

Read all the comments that people have written from the perspective of your kid. Is that the father figure he would choose? Is that manipulative person the best person to help you raise your son? Perhaps it is better to go it alone than allow such negative influences to control your lives and impact your child?

You don't have to say things to kids. You don't have to tell things to kids. Kids FEEL things. They know when tensions are high. They know when a home is not happy. They know when their Mom is stressed.

All I am saying is that you do not have the luxury of being selfish. Sorry. You have a little boy. Consider him, too. You are his only voice and the biggest influence in his life.

From a Mom to a Mom...

Audrey said...

Thank you for your time and effort in leaving advice. It is hugely appreciated and welcomed. I am mulling everyone's viewpoints over at the time being. Letting every thing settle. I liken it to one of those old timey water toys where the object of the game was to squeeze the button in hopes of getting the rings around their respective pegs. Remember all the stale pieces of stagnant water that floated around and would finally rest on the bottom? That is what I'm feeling this week after the floodgates of advice.

I totally get the mom advice. If anyone understands the responsibility of being a mom, it is me. I put my son before myself almost always. So much in fact that I couldn't even give you a list of things that I enjoy for MYSELF.

BECAUSE I put my son first is actually one of the reasons that I struggle with what to do in my situation. See, my ex-husband has absolutely nothing to do w/ my son. He hasn't seen him in 6 yrs. He hasn't called, written or provided any monetary help either. The man in question has been more of a father to my son than his own biological dad. He is the only "father" that my son has ever known.

When we've spoken of splitting up before, my son completely broke down and bawled. He has grown to love this man. He values him. He actually told me that he didn't want this man to leave.

So while it may be easy to say I should be unselfish by severing ties for the sake of my son, I hope that you can appreciate the fact that it is a bigger ball of tangled yarn than that. Do I want my son to mimick some of the insecurities or arrogant behaviors of my fiancee? 100% no. Does my son receive any valuable guidance and attention from this man? 100% yes.

For the sake of my son, in order to BE a good mom, I thought I was doing him justice to see that while two people may have their issues, they make a commitment to stick it through instead of running for the door.

No one is perfect. As parents we all make mistakes. Whether it is a single parent or a two parent household, we all step back at some point and wonder if we're doing the right thing. How will this affect our children? Am I making the right decision for my children? Am I steering them into the right direction? These are questions we all ask ourselves when we realize we are responsible for child rearing. I'm not immune to asking myself those same questions nor am I oblivious to the fact that my son plays a huge role in what I may decide to do with this relationship.

I probably would've walked out the door years ago if I in fact didn't value my mom status. Instead, it has weighed on me more than my own feelings and misgivings with this relationship. I haven't stayed in this relationship out of "luxury" or "selfishness". My life has never been indicative of either of those adjectives.

This comment is in no way defending the man's bad behaviors. I'm not justifying anything he's done to me or to our relationship. I just wanted to point out that even while this man is a total ass, he has brought some good things to the table as well. He's like a Golden Corral buffet. Take a little bit of this, a little bit of that. Stay away from that because that will send you running for the commode before you get out the door, go back for seconds of this, didn't like that as much as you thought you would, and that just looked a hell of a lot better than what it actually ended up tasting like.

I've never been successful at diets. I'm better at starving myself for weight loss.

Thanks for your concern. Silver has been such a fantastic friend and resource for me. She's amazing. A 5 star meal in comparison to the rest of my life lately.

I'm continuing to seek advice and viewpoints from every possible source. This isn't an easy road. Another friend of mine said to me, "you already know". Three simple words. I already know. I already know.