Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Embrace Your Jacuzzi-ness

Airing dirty laundry in a public forum is a complicated thing.  Especially when it isn't your dirty laundry. 

I was the filter for this anonymous story about Audrey.  Puh-lenty of people weighed in on that.  And that was cool because they all agreed with me and made points that I have made once or twice in private emails.  Audrey watched the whole thing unfold from her desk at work.  Voiceless in the process.  Silently agreeing with all the "he's an ASS" statements and "kick him out before someone gets physically injured" recommendations. 

And she sat there bound and gagged by the need for anonymity and therefore unable to state her case for staying in her relationship all these years.  Audrey was on permanent mute and couldn't mention how he took care of her dry cleaning last week and watched her son while she went out to dinner with friends.  And didn't THAT count for something?  They didn't know she'd been giving him the Heisman on marriage for two years.  Maybe that's why he's insecure?

I know this because we were emailing all day as the comments on the note poured in.  See, first it was fun.  Then notsomuch.  She recoiled a little and got all defensive saying she was to blame for some of this stuff.  Yeah.  Okay, so everybody understands there is no campaigning for Mother Teresa of the Year Award in my presence.  Takes two to tango.  I feel you.  Here's the thing though, Audrey...he was who he was before you met him.  He brought this with him when he came.  This is not. your. fault. 

Awwk fuck it.  Go back and read what they said again. 

God, Audrey.  I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.  You are like a human jacuzzi (a clean one I mean, not one in some shady men's locker room).  Just looking at you inspires imaginings of  "Oooh, jacuzzi..."  Possibilities!  You are warm, even to the point of uncomfortable hotness sometimes. But then we sink in and the startlingly hot effervescence refreshes us and makes us relaxed altogether.  You can have a party of one or a party of eight but being with you is always an event.  You are like a human jacuzzi.  Right now you just need that funky cover taken off and a solid scrubbing.  Figuratively of course, you know what I mean.

AUTHOR NOTE:  That jacuzzi thing sounds sexual.  It isn't.  Well, not for me.  Any single, male readers?  I'll give her your number.

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