Saturday, March 20, 2010

Less Panic, More Margarita

At 10:30 this morning I was unceremoniously awakened by Jan Brady standing in my bedroom doorway.  Shit.  I forgot to lock the front door last night.

Jan Brady: Silver!
Me: mmmrph?
JB: We're taking Dad to the ER.  Put yourself together and meet us at the hospital.
Me: mmmrph.

She left.  I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep.  Goddammit.  I can't sleep.  I don't wanna be awake but I gotta get up.  Coffee.  The Things were spending over at the outlaws so I got up and made coffee and wandered around the house butt ass naked for a while because I never get to do that and I just fucking felt like it, okay?  I don't know why I just shared that with you.  Don't tell anybody.  Okay, fine, tell people.  I don't care.

Anyway, lots of phone calls ensued.  Jan Brady wanted me to call Dad's office manager and tell her what was up.  I said that we didn't know what was up so there was no use sending her into a panic.  do NOT panic.  Not until there's a reason.  Otherwise you just waste all your good panicky energy and then when it's really time to panic you're wiped out.  Jan Brady does not agree with this theory.  Jan Brady freaks the fuck out a lot.  Jan Brady needs a margarita.

So, there's lots of back and forth.  They just took Dad back and hooked him up to an IV, Jan Brady's golden 5 year old daughter just puked all over the ER waiting room, they're going to keep Dad overnight whereareyou?!, they're going to send him home in an hour I'llcallyoulater.  I'm thinking pick a lane!  god sakes Jan Brady you are wearing my naked ass OUT right now.  Although I think I was dressed by the end of it.  Yeah, I was for sure dressed.  I was outside for that part.

He's fine now, for the moment, until Jan Brady decides he's not fine I suppose.  He's taking all next week off.  Good.  So now I get all next week off too.  Amazing.  I will have loads of time to get shit done around the house procrastinate!

I already started. I have been hiding on the back deck all day. I painted my toenails and talked on the phone and made plans for tonight. I swear, the whole month of February I cocooned and now I stick a toe out the door and it's a social mob scene. Love it. Seriously love.

Completely unrelated, Nameless Best Friend #1 called today.  Vanilla Pudding (her husband) called her and asked if she'd had lunch yet.  She said no.  He said, "Then pick me up a veggie sub and some soda while you're out."  Bwahahahaha!  Yeahright jackass.  She told him to make himself a sandwich and he'd be lucky if she kept those sodas in her grocery cart after that.  He's probably going to say he was kidding when she gets back home so he doesn't wake up dead tomorrow.  P.S. Guys?  When you follow some completely outlandish statement with "just kidding" we know you weren't kidding.  That fooled us maybe until age 20.  Now we think you need to step up your game.

For Example (this brief exchange actually took place in college...probably more than once but I can only specifically remember one time):

Guy: Wanna fuck?
Me: What?
Guy: Just kidding!  You know, unless you want to...then...

Dude, you're an imbecile.  Go someplace else immediately. 

Anyway, the Things are just about to leave for another spendover at the outlaws tonight.  And I get to go have a social life!

Oh!  I almost forgot!  Go read Miss Banshee!  She's one of the MamaPop chicks and really amazingly fantastic.  And go check out MamaPop too if you haven't yet, which you totally should because I freakin' love that site and you should do what I say.  Y'know, things like: spend some quality time being naked, do NOT panic, make your own damn sandwich and delete the words "just kidding" from your vocabulary.  That is all.


diane said...

Upon your command, I checked out Miss Banshee. She is very funny, but exhausting! I needed a nap after reading her for awhile.

Silver said...

Haven't pored through Miss Banshee's archives the way I climbed into BHJ's journal last month but I get what you mean. I do think she is "vair vair" groovy though. And she's a lot of fun at MamaPop.