Thursday, April 15, 2010

Explaining the Unusual

I am going to address my unusual involvement with my X tonight because this has come up more than once even in real life and wondering why I am so concerned with him is a fair question.  So here we go.

Basically, nothing about X or the outlaws is "usual" (and few things are with me for that matter).  That part is what attracted me to him to begin with.  I just didn't realize in the Spring of 1997, when I was 24 years old, how unusual it all was and what that would ultimately mean for me.  So there's that part.

Also - if knowing what I know now from a combination of observation and a really good psychic reading is correct, X is probably going to die this year.  I think it is monumentally important that he spend as much time as humanly possible with the Things before everything goes really south.  Not only do I want the boys to know him and his family for "this is where I come from" purposes but also because the outlaws are going to blame me for X's death (I'm telling you, they'll need a scapegoat, trrrust me) and I don't want them tossing, "And she ain't never let him'r'us see them boys neither" on the funeral pyre.

And finally, the reason I write so much about him is because when he was diagnosed with Cirrhosis, what did I do?  You know this.  I googled.  Every medical website talked about what you should do and how you should treat and assumed everyone would, y'know, FOLLOW DIRECTIONS when given the diagnosis of a potentially fatal disease.  Quit drinking, reduce the sodium in your diet, seek counseling if you have an addiction.  Pretty much do a U-turn because you're about to drive off a cliff and stuff.  Who wouldn't do that?  Right?!  [raises hand] know somebody who wouldn't do that.  Where's the website for Worst Case Scenario again? 

There wasn't one.  Because why would you document someone's path to destruction?  Why would you focus on that?  How does that help anyone?  You know what?  I'M NOT SURE.  But I have to write it out, I have to document it because I couldn't find any information on what happens when you ignore the advice of every doctor and continue doing every. single. thing. that led you to this place where you look Death By Liver Disease in the eye and say, "I dare you" with a vodka in one hand and a jager in the other.  And because the outlaws are not only not paying attention; they are revising history right in front of me.  All that, "I ain't had a drink since November" bullshit?  They are down with that now.  Pod people!  Audrey asked me today if I really thought X was on the death train.  This was my response:

Well, yeah I think he's on the death train. I mean, that's what I write about. That's why I write about it. I see all this stuff going on and I have to document it somehow so I don't feel like I am imagining all of this because no one else seems to recognize how seriously sick he is. After he dies they're going to be saying, "This was a complete surprise. Them docs all said his levels was normal. He did everything he was supposed to do. How could this have happened?!"

And I'm gonna be all, "But he was gray and yellow and his hair and his teeth fell out and he swelled up like a parade float and he was vomitting blood and talking gibberish and never really stopped drinking and...and...didn't you see that?!"

And they're going to say, "What?  Silver, you're just jaded. You wanted him to die. If it weren't for YOU he'd still be with us. You willed this to happen."  (I am training to be a Jedi Master after all... )
But seriously, like me deciphering Dysplastic Veni from X's pronunciation (he actually said "dynoplasty") and googling that along with Cirrhosis...yep...that's what did him in. [shakes fist] Damn you Google! Damn you to hell! But not really, I fucking love Google. Anyway, no one else is researching, or if they are they stop at the information that says he'll be fine because some born again christian turned his life around in 1975 after being given the same diagnosis so anything is possible. They never follow through and look up worst case scenarios for people who don't turn their lives around. You know why? There aren't many. And if there are, people certainly don't talk about them. Who wants to document a miserably failed life?
So, consider these X updates my Public Service Announcements I guess.  Maybe I'll string them all together for a book one day, "What Not To Do When You're Dying" or something.  And also, the X and the outlaws don't stress me out near as much as they did when we were married.  When we were married they were still new to me and all their curveball pitches were such a surprise.  After a while, when you learn that someone ONLY throws curveballs, you get pretty good at hitting them out of the park.  That's where we are now.  Like, think of when you saw Pulp Fiction for the first time and how surprising that movie was.  Now think of when you saw it the second time...not as surprising.  See it a few more times and you can quote it.  It's a little like that for me with them.  Disturbing but expected.


Maria said...

Silver - makes perfect sense. I agree that the "Things" should see their Dad as much as possible considering the circumstances. And that means that you have to interact with the Crazies. I hope they don't blame you - but I know how it is with irrational people.

My mother-in-law has been saying crazy, hurtful things for the past 23 years of my marriage and for the7 years before that that I knew her. My husband and I are finally at the point that we can just laugh at a crazy old lady and not take everything personally. Worse part is, now that she's 83 and quite forgetful, she says the same crazy, hurtful things over and over again because she forgot she said them the first time.

Hang in there and keep documenting. It is a good outlet for you and will be there for your kids to read later in their life as well.

Maria said...
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