Thursday, May 27, 2010

Bizarre Moments in My History: Part 1

If you try to melt the ends of a snapped Silly Bandz and stick them back together then all you'll have is ashes instead.  Silly Bandz are flammable.  I found out today.  Mentioned it on facebook because 1. helpful to know, B. I tell them about stupid stuff I do sometimes and Last, because it's funny.  One of my friends suggested a series of PSAs on youtube about other stupid things I do that people should avoid because apparently I mention my stupidity a lot.  But I don't carry a video camera around with me constantly so that would be impossible.  These things happen often and they always come as a surprise.  To me anyway.  You probably would have seen them coming a mile away.

That made me remember a column in Young Miss I used to love called Boy, Was My Face Red.  My mom got me a subscription when I was 9 because things were coming up that she didn't always know how to address with me and I'll get to that in a second.  Anyway, the column talked about embarrassing things that happened to Young Misses across the nation and I didn't have a big sister to show me how to recover from having your tampon fall out of your purse in Alegbra class or hugging a boy who looks just like your boyfriend from the back, but isn't.  OOPS! right?  Instead I had Boy, Was My Face Red and I loved it because who doesn't love reading other people's [facepalm] moments?  Well, video would be cool but you're getting words instead.  sorry.

Alright, so my mother subscribed me to Young Miss and Seventeen when I was 9 because she didn't want me getting all my information from HBO's after 9 pm line-up.  I will mention that William Hurt and Kathleen Turner certainly taught me a thing or two in Body Heat - holy lord.  Anyway, Blue Lagoon was on one night and I have no recollection of why I would have been watching this with my mother at 9 years old.  Dallas must have been in hiatus and I was being a brat about bedtime or something.  I hated bedtime.  Not the point.  Point being, my mom, fortified with a couple white wine spritzers decided this would be the perfect time to have "the talk."  And I don't exactly remember everything she said but parents?  Listen up.

I implore you with every fiber of my scarred 9 year old psyche, for the love of all you hold dear, never and I mean never use descriptive words or noises, or expressive facial movements of any kind to explain what sex feels like when having "the talk" with your school-aged children.  Or how much you love to do it.  Even if you love it a lot.  Maybe ESPECIALLY if you love it a should just skip those aspects entirely.  Please.  Really, just shut up.  I said stop!  talking!  Never have I wished more for beaming technology than during that excruciating talk.  I would have settled for deafness even and just covered my eyes.

Moving on to a different area. 

You know what else you shouldn't do?  Tell cops to fuck off.  However much they deserve it.  They HATE that.  Hearing that so much is probably why they became cops in the first place.  And you certainly shouldn't tell them to fuck off twice if you know what's good for you.  Which I didn't, know what's good for me I mean.  Because I was really upset and stomping back toward my apartment staring at the ground and crying after X and I had a fight in the parking lot (classy, I know). 

A car pulled up asking if I was okay.  My response?  "Fuck off."  And that's pretty much what you'll get from me to this day if you're a strange man and it's 11 at night regardless of my mood.  But I really should have looked at the car first.  Or the uniform.  It had badges and everything.  I just kept walking.  Ponch over there decided to get out of the car and follow me up the stairs to my apartment.  That will not only earn you another, "Fuck off" but this time I'll yell it. Because I don't care if you're a cop or not, I said leave me alone!  you asshole.  Which earned ME a ticket for Abusive Language to an Officer.  $60.  Money well spent in my opinion, but in this economy we have to cut back on luxuries like that. 

And I'm actually more proud of that story than embarrassed by it...but run-ins with the law are usually pretty embarrassing in my experience.  So...I may go into that more later.  Or not at all.  I haven't decided yet.  Anyway, I've had so many of these bizarre moments over the years.  I can see this being a weekly thing for sure.


Mez said...

If it makes you feel any better...I tried just last night to do surgery on my Silly Bandz that a kid at work had given me and my cat had torn apart....and it was like it spontaneously combusted when the flame hit freaked me out
And I WISH that I had once told a cop to "fuck off"...that story is gold!!

Silver said...

Further proof that China is trying to kill us all. I wouldn't be at all surprised if the damn things exploded when exposed to flame.

And, maybe someday you will have that joyful memory of giving a cop what for. Keep hope alive. And your checkbook handy.

diane said...

sound effects and facial expressions during the "talk"! I can't stop laughing - and then I think of my mother hypothetically doing the same, and I feel a bit queasy.

Silver said...

Yep. I even had a knot in my stomach writing that. we never spoke of that incident again.