Thursday, May 6, 2010

Let's Make a Deal

Um, Readers?  I have something to tell you.  You're probably not going to like it, but don't get mad.  Okay?  Just hear me out.  [deep breath]  Here goes...

Remember a couple months ago?  When I bet you a million dollars I wouldn't be invited to the Transplant Evaluation?  That was so silly, wasn't it?  Didn't you just laugh your face off?  Oh.  No?  Notsomuch with the funny for you?  Uh...crap.  That makes this a little awkward because - heh, heh - I'm going with them to the evaluation appointment now.  And I...uh...don't exactly have that million dollars I mentioned?

Okay, wait.  Slow down.  I know this could be a big deal for you and all.  I mean, a million dollars divided by thirteen readers is like...holy fuck.  That would be $76,923.07 (I totally did not use a calculator just now) for each of you!  You would have to balance an egg on your nose for sixty seconds to get that kind of cash on Minute to Win It.  And I know you totally need that money to buy chew toys for your local SPCA or whatever and I am damn sorry about that, guys.  Honest.  [makes convincing sad face]

But look, before you send your thugs over here to break my fingers...  because, come on, 76,923.07 clams is nothing to sneeze at.  Well, unless you're allergic to shellfish.  In which case, I'm real sorry about that too.  Here's an Epi-pen.  Let's move on.  Okay.  I may have a proposition for you.  (Get your mind out of the gutter, guys.  You are relentless!  Eyes up here).  Listen already...

Whats say, instead of forking over those ill-gotten gains (I mean, I'm pretty sure gambling is a sin. I'm just looking out for your immortal souls in the long run here.  Really), what if we made some kind of alternative arrangement?  I could offer you something you already enjoy (just like money) and give you MORE of it at absolutely no cost to you (just like those sinful gambling winnings)?  Would that be something that would interest you?  I see you nodding intently.  I'll take that as a Yes. 

What if I committed to extend this Blog-a-day Blogsperiment from not just what I first offered you back in February: The 40 days of lent.  Or even what I promised just before Easter: The 90/90 Twelve Step Plan.  What if I offered you a Full!  Solid!  Year!  That's right, folks!  365 days!  That's not just double but almost TEN TIMES my original offer!  At Absolutely!  No!  Cost!  To You!   Just imagine waking up each morning and starting your day with a piping hot cup of coffee and my personal, hand crafted, from space age polymer, fortified with 8 essential vitamins and minerals, dolphin-safe, fun for a girl or a boy thoughts!

Wow!  That is so amazing for you!  You are so lucky to have gotten in on the ground floor.  Can you imagine how rates will skyrocket once the word gets out about this hidden gem?!  Don't tell your friends about what a great deal you're getting either, because I can't legally make this kind of arrangement with just anybody.  But I can tell you're different.  You are someone who will truly appreciate the [knits fingers together] quality time we'll be spending together.  And isn't that what life is all about?  Money can't buy time, can it?  No.  Of course not.  Well, unless you're Walt Disney...but forget I mentioned him.  It's the memories we make along the way that we value the most.  Cherished, cherished memories.


It is unbelievable how much of that stuck.  You don't even know - well, some of you do - but I could go on for hours like that.  I am not even close to kidding.

So anyway, 365 of Blogulous ahead!  Starting from February 15th, I mean.  God, I'm not that delusional.  Oh, the adventures we will share.

And tomorrow I get to go with X and Mama for an hour and a half drive each way (uphill.  in the snow) to the Liver Transplant Evaluation appointment.  And You?  You get 284 more blogs.  Each one, at this time, to value $270.85.  Dear god, that's a lot of value.  I kind of hope I get more readers so I can dumb this down a bit eventually.


diane said...

Wow! You ARE good with those jedi mind tricks.

Umm, could I take my $76,000 (i'm willing to round down 'cause I'm so nice) in babysitting time? No? Fine, I'm looking forward to 284 more blogs, but they better be good!

Silver said...

*choke* $76K in babysitting time?!*cough*
Uh...oh,'ll go for the posts instead? Whew!

Put the suitcases away, team! She'll go for the posts instead!

Webster! Roget! Strunk & White! In my office, NOW!

Anonymous said...

My mind was in the gutter, I admit!! (Am I that predictable??)However, I am willing to take the deal as my days would be incomplete without my daily dose of Silver. This(Silver Thinks) is kinda like a book that is really good that you don't want to end but you know it will because you can see how many pages you have left. I now know there is at least a year left of pages and when you become all famous from your writings you'll remember those of us who were here from the start. Keep Blogging and we'll keep reading. I can see the trainer putting his hands together about quality time and saying eyes up here!!! LOL

Silver said...

Oh, Anonymous, if you're like most people then I expect your mind to be in the gutter. Mine usually is. Thank you for the encouragement.