Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Gambling, Matchmaking and Jedi Mind Tricks

I sat out on the deck this morning drinking coffee because my stupid internet was down and how am I supposed to survive without that?  But the weather was perfect and everything in the back yard was dripping with glistening threads of spiderweb.  I chose to overlook the grossness of that and find the pretty in the way the sunlight caught the strands.  They reminded me of laser beams.

I wondered if today would be a laser beam day, littered with obstacles invisible until they made themselves known by the sudden, acrid smell of scorched psyche.  But then - I just walked through those strands of web, didn't I?  They were only a slight nuisance across my legs and they fell away like an delicate tangle of finish lines.  Maybe it's all just a matter of perspective.

Today wasn't a laser beam day at all.  Or one with any finish lines either.  Just regular.  I planted some sunflower seeds a couple of weeks ago; those are happily poking through the dirt now.  My strawberry plants?  Eh.  Some-a them ain't lookin' so good.  That's why I bought a whole flat.  If spending seven years with a gambler taught me anything, it was this: When you place your bet on the table, you're a fool if you don't back it up with odds. 

I just realized that in those seven years, I played craps in: Tunica, Mississippi; Atlantic City; Freeport, Bahamas; Lake Tahoe; Las Vegas; Palm Beach; Paradise Island and Aruba.  I'd never even been to a casino before I met X.  Haven't been to one since he left.  Craps is super fun though, I'd play that again.  My favorite slot machine was the Triple Diamond because the rolly things (technical term) jump at the end.  My favorite casino in Vegas was O'Leary's (I think).  It was this little dive place where we ran into a bunch of our friends from home who were playing in some big pool tournament out there.  We ran into a few other people X knew during the Vegas portion of our honeymoon too.  Maybe gamblers travel in schools, like fish.  Wow, that was a weird digression...anyway...

Audrey and Tin Man were out tonight for what I can only assume was an ill-fated match-making scheme he cooked up.  I am renaming Tin Man by the way.  I now dub thee DENNIS!  Because he looks exactly like this guy:

That guy is Dennis Hof.  The smarmy pimp of HBO's Cathouse fame.  So now, Tin Man is Dennis.  My blog, my rules.  Try to keep up. 

Anyway, Dennis has decided to play puppet master and set up a couple of poor, hopeless losers who would be otherwise lost without his help.  I imagine Audrey is wishing she could climb into her martini glass and die about now because it's so much fun to watch people squirm at an introduction.  The girl already has a boyfriend and everybody knows it except the guy she is being set up with.  And the girl doesn't know this is a set up. 

If you're saying, "Wait, what?" right are absolutely correct.  Welcome to this sociopathic episode of Punk'd!

I would love to be there but I assured Audrey that I would undoubtedly stab Dennis in the mouth with my salad fork at some point during the evening for acting like a bag of dicks.  I would be TOTALLY justified and also totally arrested.  And I really don't like jail.  Or prison probably.  But I've never been to prison so I don't know for sure.  So anyway, I'll just have to read all about Punk'd By Love: The Dating Special in tomorrow's email volleys.  Can't wait!

In other news, NBF1 is now done with her murder trial.  Whew!  The dude was guilll-teeee.  The whole experience was pretty exhausting for her.  She was even yawning on the phone this afternoon.  She has a LOT to process before we get good and in to the book writing part.  I still can't remember her new blog name.  It must not have been that brilliant after all.  Either that or beer is an Indian Giver of creative ideas.  I blame beer.

Oh!  Oh!  And I might get to go with X and Mama for the Transplant Evaluation!  Can you believe that?!  I almost can't believe it either!  That's why it's a "might."  I seriously don't think he wants me to go, but now SHE really wants me to go and she is just sure he does too.  She's going to ask him.  And by "ask" him I mean "tell" him that I should go with.  Know why?  Because this is what I told her:   

I'd love to go, but I know that can't happen.  I know X doesn't want me anywhere near a doctor's office with him anymore. Out of respect for him, I wouldn't even ask to go. Plus, there's no way I could with the kids and work and stuff.  It would be impossible.  Have you considered taking some kind of tape recorder or video camera on Friday?  I mean, you know, there's a lot of information you're going to get and it's just so easy to forget some.  Or not quite hear what they say the right way?  Y'know?  There's just so many words and tests and all... 

Nothing would do after that but for her to insist I come along. 

I'm learning how to use the Jedi Mind Tricks in REVERSE, y'all!  Sweet! 

I'll let you know how it goes.


diane said...

Very crafty mind trick you played on the x-mom. I applaud your wiles.

Completely unrelated (since no one I actually know appreciates this) - my spring garden looks FABULOUS! Especially if you squint your eyes just right so you don't see all the weeds, and instead just see all the green and flowers blooming (my version of jedi mind tricks). Best of all, after 2 years, my mock orange is finally blooming and smells heavenly!

Silver said...

Thank you, Diane, and congratulations on your gardening success! A fine example of patience paying off. Keep up the good work!