Sunday, May 9, 2010

Me Being a Life Coach is Probably Not a Good Idea

Sometimes I entertain the notion of becoming a Personal Trainer.  Then I remember how much I drink and smoke and how much I don't run unless I am chased, which thankfully doesn't ever happen because I probably wouldn't run even then.  I would just stand there with a really intimidating look and verbally bash the shit out of my would-be pursuer and even though I am short and you start out thinking that I am not at all intimidating looking because I smile a whole fucking lot, I would make you cry like a child.  I know I can do that because I may have done that once or twice in real life.  So becoming a personal trainer is kind of off the table. 

I could be a Life Coach if the idea of life coaches didn't make me want to laugh my face off and throw up at the same time, which is a really weird feeling I can assure you.  Life coaches are ridiculously crazy and also very unaware of how exactly crazy they are.  I know a couple.  They are so fucking batshit that I avoid eye contact if I see them in public.  Even knowing this, the only reason I would dumb it down to life coach instead of actual Psychologist is because psychology would require a lot of time and school that I don't particularly feel like bothering with when I am way smart enough already to have people pay me to tell them what to do. 

I don't think you need a degree for life coaching.  You can probly just buy a crystal and meditate for 10 minutes and then go ahead and order scented business cards with rainbows and butterflies all over them.  Or glittery sunrises or some shit like that.  Which is exactly why I wouldn't want to be a life coach because if I tried to join a group that truly identified with glittery rainbows over a sunrise and a butterfly landing on the arc I would have a psychotic break and actually start killing people instead of just fantasizing about it while using a sledgehammer to take apart my deck.  Everything in moderation, people.  That's what they say, right?

So, I'm not going to be a Personal Trainer, or a Psychologist, or a even a bullshit Life Coach.  I just want to share my message of how to embrace your inner fucked upness and be okay with that because everybody else is fucked up too.  And if you're super fucked up then I'll give you marginally effective methods to reframe your perceptions and help you move on toward, like, growth and healing and stuff.  I'd be like Jillian Michaels but without the scary eyebrows and heavy lifting.  You'd like that, wouldn't you?  Of course you would.

You should privately email me your issues and I will answer them in a weekly advice post.  Wouldn't that be fun?  We could call it Therapy Thursday or something.  I would protect your privacy completely.  I'm just looking ahead at 200 something more blogs here and if my days continue to be anything like today (boring as all hell except for reading a bunch of  The Monster Apathy which made me laugh out loud many, many times and kind of inspired the tone of this post but with no references to doing obscene things to your mom...because 1. It's Mother's Day and B. I'm not a lesbian) then I worry that my well of what the fuck might dry up.  Which is stupid really because my wtf well hasn't dried up in the past however many years and I don't see why it would now.  I'm just thinking out loud, people, I didn't write this one out beforehand.

So anyway, consider it?  I've got shit on DVR I have to watch now because it's a school night and I try to go to bed before the sun rises on those.

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