Monday, May 10, 2010

My Well of WTF Has Not Dried Out

So, this morning started out with an epic flip of the kitchen light switch and TWO bulbs exploded in a shattering, cacophonous event of sparks and glass raining down upon the general kitchen area in a portentous display, like THIS:
Don't you hate it when that happens?  Me TOO!
Or maybe I just hit the switch and both bulbs simultaneously lit up then decided to say, "Fuck you!" and went *pop* in about a nanosecond.  And then I had to make breakfast in the dark because who has time to get on a step ladder and change light bulbs when you're getting kids ready for school?  Certainly not me.  Seconds COUNT here, people.  If you don't know should really know this.  I now I have actual evidence that I can make Eggo's and coffee with my eyes closed.  I am not as excited about this confirmation as you might think.  But anyway, two more light bulbs?  goddammit.  The Things just roll their eyes at me about this now.  God, MOM!  Like I can fucking help it.  I have a surplus of electrical energy.  I blow shit out.  I don't know how to control this yet.  Training to be a Jedi Master is such a fucking hassle sometimes.

Anyway, blahmorningroutineblah.  I got to work and read THIS and Mayo Pie had me laughing so loud at work that Dad actually asked, "What's so funny?"  But I CANNOT, under any circumstances, turn the computer around and show him a JJ Walker vagina picture.  Sorry, Dad, you'll have to stumble across that on your own.  And I fear for everything I know to be true and good about the world if you somehow manage to search for JJ Walker and vagina at the same time.  But only slightly, because holy hell that was funny.  I wonder if I sent Mama the link to that post if she would stop forwarding me prayer chain emails and cutely inappropriate things toddlers say in school for the 75 millionth goddamn time.  I should probly wait til after I get the shed for that.  Saturday?  Game.  On.

And another anyway, I fully did NOT expect to get any kind of editorial credit in that post for correcting him that Lynda Carter was Wonder Woman and not Linda Evans who played Krystle Carrington on Dynasty and I don't care how funny you are, don't fuck with my childhood memories.  Although I never watched Dynasty.  I was a Dallas girl all the way.  Used to dance around the living room to the theme song like I knew what I was doing.  Which I didn't.  My dancing skillz at the time were based on watching American Bandstand.  Not the greatest tutorial if you'll recall.  I digress, THANK YOU for the mention, Mr. Pie. You, sir, rock.

Okay, getting back to real life for a second.  I mentioned Mama earlier.  I came home from work and was greeted with this:
There were six bottles in a case outside my front door.  Mama Apple Juices me today.  She gave me four last week.  Dear Big Lots, your sale needs to fucking end immediately, right now and in all other ways YESTERDAY.  The Things don't even like apple juice.  Limeade, dude, is where it's AT.  Apple juice?  Apple juice is the weird friend who isn't allowed to leave the house without a helmet. 

I asked the Things, "What should we do with all this apple juice?"

  • Pour some out and put mentos in and see what happens.  (This is not diet coke, it won't be the same)

  • Pour them out and make a raft.  (Clever.  Just might work.  I could get behind that suggestion)

  • Pour them out and make an apple juice bottle necklace?  (Dude, you do see how big those bottles are, right?  I cannot logistically accomodate that kind of bling)

  • Pour them into apple juice water balloons so they'll be all sticky.  (WIN!) 
As you can see, they have zero interest in apple juice as a beverage.  Mama.  Really.  Know your audience here. 

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