Sunday, May 30, 2010

Textiquette Lesson

I'm not sure if a manual on Proper Text Message Etiquette exists and I don't even care to Google that right now because I'm pretty sure I have a solid theory on something here.

Gentlemen, lets say you get involved in a "casual but adult" relationship with someone for a short while then suddenly drop that like a hot rock for no conceivable reason.  You proceed to vanish for  2 months only to reappear on the scene with a text message saying, "Silver hates me."  To which there may or may not be some truth.  However, because I am an extremely nice and generous person when it suits my needs, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. 

However, if after that brief rendezvous you fall off the face of the earth for ANOTHER two months before offering a text of "Hi Silver" at 4:14 pm on a holiday weekend (hypothetically)...I strongly recommend you rush yourself to the nearest medical facility you can find because you have either A) suffered a blunt force trauma to the head and need a CT scan immediately or B) have a death wish and need a psych consult.  I recommend starting with electro-shock therapy...but only if I can watch.

Because if you think I am returning that text there is something seriously the matter with you.  Honestly, you should be ashamed of yourself.  you fucking moron.

And Ladies?  How about we all synchronize our watches here and vow to discourage this behavior all together?  Who's with me?!  Because I know some of you must be responding to these random and wholly disrespectful booty texts to keep this kind of thing going.

I myself admit to being guilty of the "benefit of the doubt" acquiescence.  One time.  But thanks to the time honored quote "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me." and even the George W. fucked up extended dance mix version including "We won't get fooled again."  We won't.

But let's step back a moment.  Take a deep breath.  Count to ten.  Whatever we need to do to get some perspective.  Lets say he IS sincere this time.  Maybe he wants to either be consistent with his attention or even make things public?  Interesting idea.  Good question.  I believe a fucking phone call would be the best course of action if indeed that were the case.

Wouldn't you agree that some kind of verbal explanation or apology would be the correct icebreaker?  Yeah.   That's what I thought.

And I expect some 5-star groveling, alright?  None of this "I had some chick stalking me" like last time.  While I'm sure there's some truth to that, you are very handsome after all, I think you are a gutless douchebag who needs to grow a pair.  I am no stranger to stalkers, okay?  I have learned the best way to handle that is to kneecap them with public humiliation.  Problem solved in short work.  And kinda fun.

But you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, ladies?  Really?  Mmm-kay - so what you're saying is that THEY are more important in this world than YOU?  And you prefer to let them continually control you using the well-tested FEAR tactic, long recognized as the cornerstone of all abusive relationships?

Sweetie.  Listen.  Quit being a damn doormat already.  Nobody likes a victim.  Except predators.  And they just want to suck the life out of you til you're dead.  Got it?

So, lets start with some Stuart Smalley, shall we? 
"I am good enough.  I am smart enough.  And doggone it, people like me." 
Repeat that throughout the day and every time you encounter a mirror.  Once you're feeling stronger, you can move on to
"Only when you can truly love and value the person you are today will you meet people who can help you with your future development." 
Write that one on the bathroom mirror.  I suggest Sharpie. 

What?  You don't love and value yourself that much right now?  No problem.  That one sometimes needs to marinate.  It kicks in eventually.  Promise.

And after a while, may even be a few years, you get one of those stupid text messages and you laugh your head off.  Because you have got to be fucking kidding me if you think I'm falling for that again.


Mez said...

I feel like I've had this conversation with most of my friends, since I myself do not think like a regular girl...not that I think like a texting booty calling dude, but, if a guy blows me off once and comes sniffing around again...I tend to make them work very very hard....that's just me, I'm a hard ass. I require not only 5 star groveling, but also some major ass kissing.
So, I'm all about helping women take a stand...take the text messages and voicemails (if they have the balls to voicemail) and create a video and upload it to I a mean heartless bitch or what?!?!

Silver said...

Your mean heartless ways intrigue me. I'm seriously for ending that jackassness with whatever tools necessary. I deleted the text already though. dammit.

Will collect this stuff for a possible youtube expose in the future. Gentlemen? You have been warned.

Mom et al said...

Damn Girl! Way to kick some verbal ass!