Monday, May 17, 2010

Vlog Debut and Why Jan Brady Needs Another Margarita (And She Would Agree With Me This Time I Bet)

This is my first ever Vlog.  I make necessary apologies and hit the table too hard several times.  The sound quality probably sucks because I recorded it in my dining room which has a terrible tendency to echo, but the lighting isn't horrible...so...priorities I guess.  Whatever.  Anyway...enjoy?

video

And now here's why I don't usually write during the day.  Because shit happens throughout the day that I find terribly interesting and this is an actual email exchange between Jan Brady and me that took place this evening about Dad and his health issues.  And I'm too lazy to come up with anything else creative because I feel really fucking weird about having to apologize to Tina Fey.  And Jennifer of course.  I swear, you people should really let me know you're reading this damn blog so shit like this doesn't happen again, 'kay?  thx.

JAN BRADY EMAILS:

So, Friday night we got into it. I had to have a glass of wine before I went off. He has been so short with Golden Daughter (not her real name) lately..now I know how you feel when you come over and threaten to leave because Dad freaks out on the boys.

We started the conversation by me mentioning that Dad had asked BIL (not his real name either) what I wanted for Mother's Day and I told Dad that BIL (still not his name) should have said "making a Dr's appt. would be the best gift ever" Dad laughs and says yeah right....!!

Then he excitedly goes on to tell us about some stupid fucking over the counter stool blood test that the next door neighbor told him about last week. You put a sample of shit on some plastic film and put drops of whatever on it and IF there's any blood whatsoever it will show up immediately and turn the blood some ungodly color. AND that his great friend (who keeps making all kinds of healing tinctures?%$#@! and Dad proudly goes to pick up, filling the fridge with them as they ROT) told him about this FABULOUS Chinese patent medicine that some ancient war soldiers used to give eachother after they'd been shot! and it stops the bleeding immediately...and this stuff is only $3.00 a bottle....and when he can get to China and get some, he's going to take some of that too and it will cure him right up! :)

I have heard enough about this drug and had to share my excitement because I think he just got off the phone with Susan Davis telling her about it, and how when he can get some of this potion, he thinks it would be a GREAT IDEA to find a way to get it to soldiers in Iraq and Afganistan....(OMG are you serious)?!!!

When we were going back and forth on Friday night, he mentioned that he just didn't want to do anything that would cause me any extra stress or anxiety from the already hormonal pregnancy stuff I am experiencing, and I explained to him that he was making me very stressed out by NOT going to see the Dr. again, he's put it off for far too long already....and I mentioned that it's not just me who's worried, it's YOU and Nancy too. He then became WAY to sarcastic, and said, oh, you guys just trust the medical field too much, that's it, I see. You want me to spend a few thousand more dollars so YOU guys can see that there's nothing wrong, just to see it through their eyes on paper...

I said, YES WE DO!!! YOU ARE RIGHT< GO MAKE THE APPOINTMENT. He continued to drink more shots of vodka and laugh, saying yeah right sure.

Well, you know what. Fuck it then. It's a damn shame we don't have the money to move out because I can no longer hold his hand and continue treating him like a five year old. I have to let it all go and if he doesn't want to take care of himself, that's his problem not mine. If he dies this year, IT'S NOT MY FAULT..eventhough he has completely brainwashed me by telling me I am/have been saving his life just by being here. He keeps threatening to excersize/go on walks as soon as the weather gets nice....uh, yeah. I could go on and on but I'll save that for my therapist on Thursday morning.

Sorry if my typing reads like Eloise, I'm just venting.....
I EMAILED BACK:

LOL. Your reading does not sound like Eloise. Or maybe it does. I'm not sure because this is pretty much how I write everything also and I think it sounds just fine.

So, yeah, Dad told me about the Magic Blood Stopping Formula and I said, "Whatever. As long as it doesn't turn your blood the consistency of jello or something, why not?" But he fucking TOLD ME on Friday he was going to get the colonoscopy! What the HELL, DAD?! is what I'm asking.

Anyway, I agree that hand holding is no longer necessary and you should totally talk to Bonnie about all this because oh my god this is retarded. I mean, HE is being retarded. I get the whole distrust of the medical system. Totally. 100%. But come the fuck on. Just get the damn test already before you bleed out again. 'kay? Jesus. Because let's see....hmmmm....what this comes down to is what? Your money or your life? Something like that? Yeah, kinda. I would choose life in that situation I'm pretty sure. But I've never been there so it's not like I'm an expert or anything.

I'm sure we'll talk about this on the way into work tomorrow morning. So thanks for the heads up. I'll make sure to buckle extra tightly because I KNOW he's going to totally be paying attention to traffic and not pulling in front of screaming siren ambulances or anything like that because that NEVER happens. Ever. Or at least very rarely. When he's thinking about colonoscopies. Fuck. I'm going to die in that car and as you might imagine...not that happy about this.

Anyway, take some deep breathes. This time next month it will all be different.
Love you.
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So there may be some more apology vlogs coming in the future.  I'll be sure to get much better at them before the next time.  Like, tomorrow probably.

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