The Sun is almost in Leo. The time of my natural New Year. And I can feel it. I always seem to feel it around now.
It feels like I'm standing on the edge of something. A precipice? A cusp? Like something is going to happen. Some change is about to take place. It makes me feel itchy to paint. But I have already painted every room in the house and I am happy with those colors.
Dirt Therapy today had me anxiously weeding around the yard in fits and starts. Pacing around the yard doubling back so many times for a nothing I thought I misplaced. My mental rolodex flipping, flipping, flipping all the time for something to DO. Something big. It has to be something big.
I cut the grass. Furniture. I need new furniture.
Somebody said on Oprah years ago when I still watched that your house was a reflection of you. And while, y'know, duh, it means something to me right now. Because my house is a disaster. If my house says anything about me it says that I am mismatched and cluttered and a neverending work in progress. That last part I don't mind but the mismatched and cluttered parts are making me antsy.
The whole house is filled with stuff upon stuff from a life I haven't lived in six years and didn't live all that well when I was in it. Marriage furniture. Dark. Drab. Particle Board. crap. The formerly bland walls have all been brightly painted but they remain mostly blank because I just sit there and stare into space half the time. Past. Future. Never now.
Because my furniture, my house. It doesn't reflect who I am now. Or maybe it does. Scatterbrained. All over the place. Those are parts of me, yes. But the other parts...the attractive, eclectic, make you cock you head to the side and take a moment then burst out laughing parts. Those parts are silent in the house. And they need to be made out loud.
And it can't be some scene stolen from a magazine. And I'm not the type to stroll into a store and sweep up a whole matchy anything. So how exactly I'm going to go about swapping everything I have now out for the fresh stuff is still a mystery to me. But it has to happen.
I cannot continue to walk among the ghosts of a life I never really lived.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
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2 comments:
I look forward to reading updates on this next big thing.
Your line about living in a house that reflects a life you haven't lived in six years really seemed to resonate with me. And Oprah would set me up with Dr Phil in a New York minute if she saw the scattered, cluttered, over-organized which leads to non-organized chaos that is the current state of my house.
Here's to the end of ghost-houses!
I'm sure it's going to take a while. I have so much going on and no clear vision of what I want the house to look like when it is done. yet. But the hamster is on the wheel.
Good luck with your process as well!
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