Sunday, July 18, 2010

The Next Big Thing

The Sun is almost in Leo.  The time of my natural New Year.  And I can feel it.  I always seem to feel it around now. 

It feels like I'm standing on the edge of something.  A precipice?  A cusp?  Like something is going to happen.  Some change is about to take place.  It makes me feel itchy to paint.  But I have already painted every room in the house and I am happy with those colors.

Dirt Therapy today had me anxiously weeding around the yard in fits and starts.  Pacing around the yard doubling back so many times for a nothing I thought I misplaced.  My mental rolodex flipping, flipping, flipping all the time for something to DO.  Something big.  It has to be something big.

I cut the grass.  Furniture.  I need new furniture.

Somebody said on Oprah years ago when I still watched that your house was a reflection of you.  And while, y'know, duh, it means something to me right now.  Because my house is a disaster.  If my house says anything about me it says that I am mismatched and cluttered and a neverending work in progress.  That last part I don't mind but the mismatched and cluttered parts are making me antsy.

The whole house is filled with stuff upon stuff from a life I haven't lived in six years and didn't live all that well when I was in it.  Marriage furniture.  Dark.  Drab.  Particle Board.  crap.  The formerly bland walls have all been brightly painted but they remain mostly blank because I just sit there and stare into space half the time.  Past.  Future.  Never now. 

Because my furniture, my house.  It doesn't reflect who I am now.  Or maybe it does.  Scatterbrained.  All over the place.  Those are parts of me, yes.  But the other parts...the attractive, eclectic, make you cock you head to the side and take a moment then burst out laughing parts.  Those parts are silent in the house.  And they need to be made out loud.

And it can't be some scene stolen from a magazine.  And I'm not the type to stroll into a store and sweep up a whole matchy anything.  So how exactly I'm going to go about swapping everything I have now out for the fresh stuff is still a mystery to me.  But it has to happen. 

I cannot continue to walk among the ghosts of a life I never really lived.


Denise said...

I look forward to reading updates on this next big thing.
Your line about living in a house that reflects a life you haven't lived in six years really seemed to resonate with me. And Oprah would set me up with Dr Phil in a New York minute if she saw the scattered, cluttered, over-organized which leads to non-organized chaos that is the current state of my house.
Here's to the end of ghost-houses!

Silver said...

I'm sure it's going to take a while. I have so much going on and no clear vision of what I want the house to look like when it is done. yet. But the hamster is on the wheel.

Good luck with your process as well!