Friday, September 3, 2010

To the Light Bulb People

Dear Light Bulb Makers of the World,

Let me start by saying that I am a fan of your product.  I enjoy electric light regularly just like a lot of people.  The warm glow of an incandescent bulb is a luxury I too often take for granted.  Thank you for manufacturing such a wonderful thing.  And I'm sure we share in a big ups moment for Thomas Edison who made this all possible in the first place.

I probably use more standard light bulbs than the average person due to my propensity for blowing these puppies out every month or three.  So I consider myself somewhat of an expert, or a connoisseur, or perhaps a voice you should hear regarding standard, boring, incandescent bulbs.  You should consider me so too.  I'll explain why in a minute.

Now, I am familiar with your "long life" bulbs, those weird looking ones that are like three times more expensive at least but I haven't bought them for a couple reasons.  Firstly, price point.  I am a thrifty shopper.  See this dress?  $7 on ebay.  just an example, I'm not bragging or anything.  Secondly, my tendency to render small appliances including but not limited to VCRs, microwaves, hairdryers and coffee makers functionally electrically dead at a somewhat alarming rate depending on how easily you panic at things like that makes me a teensy bit skeptical that an expensive light bulb will withstand my particular ability despite your steadfast assertion that that my kids will be kissing their prom dates goodbye 7 or 10 years from now under the same bulb I put in the porch light tomorrow.  That was a cute commercial.  but I still think you haven't met me yet.

Perhaps we could work together to produce a true testimonial?  I would accept a full sponsorship with little hesitation.  We'll discuss this more later I am sure.

My concern is this - half the bulbs in my house have been blown out for an undisclosed length of time because of excessive amounts of stress and admitted laziness on my part.  I keep forgetting to pick them up when I'm out.  my bad.  Anyway, a moment of clarity in the hardware store today had me wandering down the bulb aisle and...I couldn't find a single box of standard, boring, incandescent bulbs of any kind.  Puh-LENTY of the other kind though.  I left empty handed and full of suspicions.

If this is an ordering mishap then I will gladly take it up with the individual store or shop someplace else.  However, if this is what I suspect?  If this is a plot to phase out the less expensive bulbs entirely so the only option is buying the "long life" swirly kind then I would like to formally submit my objection and protest this campaign.

Because if you do not cease and desist this merciless assault on my bank account then I would like to damn you to hell.

Please let me know either way.

Of course I understand it's a tough economy and you gotta fuel those jets, right?  All I'm saying is that my lifetime expenditure to date on light bulbs has probably carried you across those big square states no one lives in more than a couple of times and I would have appreciated a heads up about this.  An invite to a focus group maybe?  something?

Because, seriously, I have hurricane lamps and I'm not afraid to use 'em.

That's right.  I'll go Frontier Family on your ass and where will you be then?  I'll tell you where.  You'll be foraging in the Rockies after your plane goes down wishing you'd watched your DVR'd episode of Man vs Wild because you're pretty sure Bear Grylls had some critical information about poison or bears or banjos or something and you just heard a twig snap behind you but your assistant is back at the wreckage site impaled on a lobster claw with the Leatherman tool in his pocket and now you're 32 seconds away from being dead and wishing you'd thought to shoot me an email.  sorry for your luck.

Because I would absolutely agree to that full sponsorship in case you were wondering.  And if it worked out in your favor I would go full on Cult Behavior on your behalf because I've been blowing out light bulbs since I was 11 and quite frankly I'm over it.  It's a hassle.  And I'm really good at being culty.  You would be so thankful and your jets would never crash like that.  again.  sorry.

So please let me know when I can expect the case of assorted wattage, swirly, stupid looking, fancy light bulbs.

Or, y'know, send me a postcard from hell.

Sincerely,
S.

2 comments:

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Ooh, sponsorship -- what a cool idea!

I don't blow out the bulbs, I tend to forget to change them until the whole house is like darkness. Plus we live in the north, so in winter only get a couple of hours of sun.

I have switched over the fancy long lasting bulbs, less guilt over using so much power. But man they are expensive!

Fun post!

RMCole said...

Hysterical!!!... But I can tell you I do use those silly swirly ones and they blow just as quickly as the standard ones.

I put them in my ceiling fan on the vaulted ceiling (because who really wants to be standing on a ladder changing light bulbs every month??) and 3 out of the four are already out. So that really cute commercial??? LIED!!