Saturday, December 24, 2011

There Will Be Snakes. Maybe.

So the X came over last night to pick up Thing 2 for a sleepover.  There's usually some banter that takes place during pick up/drop off events.  What follows is a snippet of last night's conversation.  Also?  Fiction is dead.  enjoy.

X: [Leans back on the sofa, spreads arms wide across the pillows] So I made a business investment
me: oh?
Thing 2: What business?
X: Well, there's a couple guys who are starting a business
me: Who?
X: A couple of my... friends.  you don't know them.  Joe and Bird.
Thing 2: Your friends have a lot of nicknames.  bird?  gutshot?
X: Yeah, they do.
me: Joe and Bird, I don't know them.  okay...
X: So, yeah, anyway, they want to breed snakes and sell them online.
me: *blink
T2: Snakes?  Cool!  I wanna hold one!
me: *shudder
X: Well, you can't hold one yet.  They're...hibernating.
me: *snort.  "hibernating"? can't seee theemmm....they're sleeepiiiinnng...
X: heh.  Right?  no, no...don't open the box....sleeepppiiinnng.  haha...but yeah, they hibernate until ...Spring I guess?.
T2: Where are they now?  I wanna see 'em.
X: Well...I don't... have them
me: bwahahaha
X: Bird's ordering them.  From all over, like Arizona and Texas... Look, it's not a huge investment.
T2: How much was it?
X: $3,000
me: *blink
T2: How many snakes are you getting?
X: It's $3,000 for...multiple...snakes
T2: How many is that?
me: bahaha "multiple" hahhaha  "multiple" can't see them now because they're...sleeeepiiinng...

The tears of laughter are falling at this point and I lose the power of speech.  X starts to get annoyed with this display.  I cannot physically stop laughing.

X: [leans forward on the sofa.  elbows on knees serious] Look, there's six snakes, okay?  And there are supposed to be 10-15 per...brood. Litter.  Whatever.  And they're supposed to sell for $300 a piece.
me: So that's... [skyward thinking look fruitlessly trying to do math in my head]
X: [eyeroll] Yeah, so it can make some money.  All I did was get 'em started.  They're going to pay me back my initial investment no matter what.  And then I'll get a percentage of the snakes.  But I don't even care about that.  It wasn't a lot of money, okay?  It's just $3,000.
me: *snicker  for..."multiple" snakes...*snort.
X: *dirty look in my direction
me: *barely stifles tears of giggling

And then we went on to talk about my fear of snakes, X's fear of spiders (all of which are just Brown Recluse's in disguise in his mind), and that one time Thing 2 held a snake at the Tampa Aquarium.\

Okay, so...X knows some guys from the poker game gambling ring pool hall around town.  They probably owe him some money have an interesting business opportunity and ask him to be patient and he'll get all the money they owe him PLUS his initial investment back PLUS extra.  He just has to wait until the Spring when it's breeding season and the potential NINETY SIX snakes they're going to have (which just strikes me as apocalyptic) sell like crazy.

Of course.  That sounds totally legitimate to me. ONE snakes.  god I suck at math.  But still.  51 is a lot of snakes.  is that right?  3 snake moms, times 15 baby snakes each, plus the 3 snake dads...that's 51 right?  okay.  anyway.

Now, I googled and there is a market for this apparently...because, good grief there's a market for everything online so I could see, possibly, how this could be a real thing.  But I don't know these guys.  What if they don't have their act together enough to follow through?  What if the snakes are infertile or something?  What if "snakes" is actually code for something...illegal?  Or what if the snakes are actually drug mules?  What if the guys take the money and skip town?  What if they're not con artists and actually undercover cops and X is unwittingly implicated in some nefarious snake trafficking ring?

The possibilities are LIMITLESS is what I mean.

And I'm just bored enough to consider them.

But best case scenario is in the early days of Spring, in some dark, cool corner of Pleasant Valley a legion of snakes will spawn bringing prosperity to all who have helped propagate them.

Maybe there's something to all these prophecies of doom for 2012...

This post is only to get this crazy out of my head and keep it for future reference.


Cheney Giordano said...

Well, if my X came to me and said what your X did, I would fall to pieces laughing, too. I bet he felt like a genius until he told you about it.

Silver said...

Exactly. And I selectively forget that the X reads le blog until I get a text from him saying something like: "Haha so my snakes are here and I SAW THEM. there [sic] real but they could be dead or asleep but I have faith in bird. post that bitch. lol." the next day. hypothetically.

which is always just the awesomest.