Friday, February 27, 2015

My Fitness Obsession That Starts with a Groupon. Probably.

When last I left you, I mentioned I was going to be doing the whole Brazil Butt Lift thing. Well, yeah, not so much with that. What I forgot to consider about the Brazil Butt Lift experience is that it's a choreographed workout routine. Aside from one low-level aerobics class I took in college 20 years ago, choreographed workouts and I do not get along. Whether it's my unreliable sense of balance or my fierce individuality, I cannot manage to keep up with a roomful of people who can lunge and grapevine with Rockette-like precision. It's frustrating and I'll walk out of a class faster than you can bouncily say OKAY! FOUR MORE! 

So the idea of partaking in such nonsense in my living room where I have easy access to the remote control...all I can say is "Obrigado anyway, Leandro," and, "Go to hell," because I'm pretty sure most of those testimonials were exaggerated. 

soanyway, if anyone wants a like-new set of Brazil Butt Lift dvds they're yours for cheap.

After that failed attempt at getting an ass you can bounce a quarter off of, I joined a gym.  So the stubborn 12 pounds I haven't been able to shed since quitting smoking are all but a distant memory.  And Commence with the Monetary Acrobatics! Right? 

Meh. It's been almost 5 months and it doesn't seem to matter whether I count my calories or don't, or drink a gallon of water a day or just one bottle, or go to the gym 3 times a week, or 4, or one...I'm not getting anywhere except discouraged and a little desperate. 

I even did the Apple Fast again but that didn't accomplish the miraculous transformation I was hoping for.  I thought about joining Weight Watchers again because even though it took a while, I reached my pre-baby weight not too long after I had kids. Or maybe the Cabbage Soup Diet (I'm a little embarrassed to say) again because that worked for a couple of pounds and only took a week to do. I thought about investing in a trainer but that's more money than I want to spend. I thought about doing the Master Cleanse but I live with and cook for 3 other people and I don't feel like fully exposing my insanity in that way for 10 days. I thought about yoga because 1. Jennifer Aniston and 2. despite the group setting I'm pretty good at it and like it a lot. But the class times and places would cause more stress to get to and from and thereby defeat the purpose. *Sigh.* bummer.

Then....browsing Groupon like I'm apt to do, I came across an offer I've seen before, and almost bought before, but I'm straight up terrified of it. Two months of Crossfit. Like any good recreational stalker I looked at the company's website and facebook page trying to get a feel for whether or not this was something I should be seriously considering at all.  Then I started googling information about Crossfit in general. The more I read the more I started thinking this might be the thing for me. Even though it has its own language and culture I felt like it focused on challenging yourself and strength and empowerment and RAH! etc. And I can scale back the workouts if I need to, and there's something for everyone, and nobody is going to force me to wear those dumb looking knee socks if I don't want to. Anyway, I could at least try it for 2 months.  I'll either hate it or love it. Given everything I've read about it so far I know there's not going to be an in-between. 

As you might expect by now, I bit the bullet and bought the Groupon. I even went by the place after work to take a look at the facility and meet the people which is something I probably should have done before I made my purchase but I knew if I didn't jump on it right then I'd let another year go by before I got my ass in shape and, well, I'm not getting any younger. But the guy who gave me the tour was really nice and all the people in the class I saw were women and there was a lot of big eyes and enthusiastic nodding on my part so I'm pretty sure I lucked out with the right location for my new cult.

My two months starts on Monday. I am nervous and excited and I'm probably going to have to document my progress here because if the past week is any indication then I'm going to want to talk about Crossfit. A lot. And I know my boyfriend is going to get sick of it and I can't afford to annoy everyone I know on facebook since that's where I'm planning my 25th high school reunion. Which is this year. Which probably weighs heavily on my motivation now that I'm thinking of it.  

So yeah, if all goes well I'll be posting here about how I crushed the WOD and hit a new PR and any revelations I'll have from eating Paleo or whatever. I'll even post before and after photos. Once I get to the after part. 

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