I started writing yesterday because I meant to start on Monday but Monday got away from me for no significant reason like most days do lately and then even though I started yesterday my brain got weird and I had to scrap it. I'll explain. I was trying to find something hilarious to say about my reaction to a video but I wasn’t sounding hilarious. I sounded bitter… sort of? Definitely negative and overall kind of bratty. Which is really the reason I’ve been meaning to start writing again. My attitude has shifted to a yucky place and I need to get some perspective on all the shit that’s knocking around in my headspace and this is the best way to keep track. If my mother were still around I know I would have heard at least one uttering of, “Jesus Christ, Silver, lighten up” in recent months. And the lightening shall commence.
So the video I mentioned is on a website of someone who was a guest on a podcast I listen to. She was saying some truly outlandish shit on said podcast and I decided I needed to investigate further because I’ve got way too much time on my hands. This chick was talking about remote viewing and traveling the astral plane and evidently there’s some kind of Galactic Federation she’s involved with among all manner of other completely off the wall stuff which I found head-turningly fascinating. On her website she’s got a ton of videos, one of which was titled “Activate Your Starseed Mission” for real and I thought, I’m feeling a little adrift, let’s see what this is about and I was kind of tuned in until she started talking about manifesting abundance and I suddenly felt violently annoyed. Like, I’m on board with your talking to interdimensional creatures but manifesting abundance is a bridge too far. Hmm. So, I’m not sure a therapist would even be able to help me at this point is what I’m saying.
I was all, “manifest abundance???!!!” Who even DOES that in real life?! What a crock of shit! When did that hippie bullshit invade the landscape anyway, was it The Secret when that came on the scene? I don’t remember anybody talking about manifesting abundance when I was growing up, this is ridiculous. And then I thought, wow, maybe if you really sat down and focused on manifesting abundance and creating joy, you’d actually have some? Jesus Christ, Silver, lighten up. Something like that. And that’s when I realized I’ve been pretty in denial about how negative I’ve become and I’m sure everyone else has noticed it and they’re just being nice by not saying anything hoping that I’ll get over it eventually. So, yowza, sorry for that y’all.
I remember when I was in therapy after my divorce and I was bitching about how people say things like decluttering and cleaning your space helps you feel less stressed out and how that was total garbage and my therapist said, “Why don’t you try it and see if it works?” I replied, “Really? Folding the laundry is the pathway to inner peace? [eyeroll]” She shrugged and said, “Give it a shot.” And I folded the laundry. And I felt better. And slightly annoyed that it worked. But still better.
So maybe that’s what’s going on with the manifesting abundance thing and creating joy and feeling gratitude and all that. I’ve tried gratitude journals in the past but I felt like I was making shit up because I kind of was and I didn’t really feel that grateful about anything although I probably should have. Definitely should have.
See, I’ve been unemployed since the end of January which accounts for all the free time to listen to conspiracy podcasts and go down internet rabbit holes about new agey bullshit which may or may not be bullshit but it’ll certainly get some people to question your sanity if you bring it up. So I don’t. But I still listen and do cursory research on things like crystals and chakras and vibrational frequency instead of networking and finding a job. I’ll figure out the job thing soon because I have to but I have no idea what that’s going to look like. People ask, “What do you do?” for obvious reasons and I’m to the point now that I’m kind of stumped how to answer. I have a history in sales, although I feel like I’m only okay at it and I can’t handle working on commission alone. I have a history of non-profit fund-and-awareness raising but seeing all the billions of dollars our government is sending to other parts of the world, I have a hard time reconciling begging people to donate $500 or whatever amount to some charitable organization when I feel like if our tax dollars were used better, that cause wouldn’t even be a thing. Like homeless veterans, for example, that should not be a thing. I have experience as an administrative assistant, but that means being stuck in an office all day and the prospect of that just bums me out.
I have about as much faith in online job searching as I do in online dating, which I thankfully don’t need to do. The dating I mean, not the job searching. The job searching is fake though and I’ve sent in so many applications and gotten so many non-responses; like most of the time no reply at all which is baffling and disheartening to the point I quit looking. And now it’s back to networking and “What do you do?” or worse, “What do you want to do?” I want to win the lottery is what I want to do. I want to be independently wealthy and focus on making bread and organic hand cream and gardening and watching the bird feeders on my front porch.
And that’s how I got to this grumpy place I guess. I’m frustrated at myself for not knowing the thing that brings me joy and pays the bills at the same time. I thought I’d have had it all figured out by now, I mean by this point in my life, not just this far into my joblessness. Maybe beginning to focus on that hippie bullshit will bring some clarity to my situation. Meditation, mindfulness, all that zen stuff, there’s gotta be a horse in here somewhere.
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