Slightly Schizophrenic

See, I have these moments when I think, "I will never get married again" and these other moments when I daydream of "that guy."

Maybe if I do meet "that guy," I'll have the sense not to get married and maybe if I do get married, I'll have the sense not to pick a jackass like a did before. What's real?

I had a moment today when my brother-in-law was helping install a new chandelier for the dining room. I might have chosen it to be too high, but it's only because I kept hitting my head on the old one. I'm 5'3"...I should not hit my head on any chandelier in any context, that was my reasoning. He said, "You don't want the boys to hit their heads on it either." I didn't say it out loud, but I thought, "We won't be in this house long enough for them to grow tall enough to hit their heads on it anyway." But really, why wouldn't we be?

The only way we're moving is if we have something else to go to. Right now and in the foreseeable future, we don't. I don't understand why I would have such a gut reaction to that statement unless there's something more out there for me.

Just like at the wedding show last weekend, I was there in a totally professional capacity and I told my boss how weird it was because of how much I hate weddings. At the very same time I was secretly admiring the dresses, flowers and honeymoons on display. It was a slightly schizophrenic feeling and it made me think...maybe. Grr.

Although it is certainly in hiding, apparently all hope is not lost. And what the hell do I do with that?!