Friday, October 17, 2008

Incomplete list of demands

I got rear ended this afternoon. Not in an X rated way (get your mind out of the gutter), I was stopped at a light on FC road and some poor guy nailed the back of my car. I couldn't be mad about it though. First of all, my kids have done worse damage to the g-getter with their bike handlebars and secondly, this is the first time in a 20 year driving career I haven't been the one at fault in this type of situation. I am not a great driver. I would never be hired as a valet.

Anyway, after that I drove to a meeting in Norfolk and my mind wandered. I really wanted a cheeseburger and came up with a list of other demands in the process.

1. Cheeseburger – This is not your average cheeseburger. I want a half-pound burger, yummily seasoned and cooked to medium-well but still moist, juicy and slightly falling apart. It has to have cheddar cheese, dill pickle, raw onion and extra mayonnaise on a lightly toasted buttery bun. I want a thick, creamy chocolate milk shake to go with this and a side of wedge fries (the really greasy kind with the skins still on and lots of salt). Ketchup and mayo on the side. The imperative part of this cheeseburger experience is that I don't want to fall into a food coma or feel overwhelmingly sick afterward or like I just gained an immediate 15 pounds.

2. Beautiful Sam – I want to meet a guy, but not just any guy. I want to meet Sam again. I met him in Hometown Heroes on Shore Drive one night in 1999. I sat down with my Miller Lite and NTN Trivia Box next to the most beautiful man I have ever met in person. We chatted for a while; at one point I was so taken with his magnetic good looks that I actually blurted out, "You are gorgeous by the way." I was recently married at the time…I was fearless. He invited me to a Tom Petty concert. If I had known that at that exact moment my husband was deservedly getting the snot beat out of him by a few Navy SEALS in the parking lot of 5150 for being a complete assbag, I probably would have said, "Next Tuesday you say? Sure, pick me up at 6." Instead I said, "Thanks anyway, but I'm married, I don't think my husband would approve." I am such a moron. Anyway, I ran into him again at G.F. Keegan's at Hilltop 3 ½ years later. I knew it was him because I was awestruck by his looks from across the room. I said to my sister, "Oh my god, that is the most beautiful man I have ever seen in person…wait…I know that guy…that's Beautiful Sam!" Of course I crossed the room to talk with him. He remembered me well but he was with a girl and I was still married at the time. I haven't seen him since, but I haven't forgotten him either. If you know who I'm talking about, tell him Silver says, "Hi." Unless he's a real jerk...then tell him to email me immediately.

3. Money for just being fabulous – The only problem with this is that I'm not all that fabulous, so I don't know if I could pull in the millions I'd like. I have these momentary delusions of grandeur when I think I could be the next Oprah or something, but then I think, "Everybody probably thinks that. What's so great about me?!" Despite the fact that I am great at people, I would probably end up more like the next Sarah Palin. Cute, charming, but distinctly unqualified for a position in the national spotlight. I could always start with Mayor or PTA President or whatever. I mean, I'm in the PTA already; that's like the best springboard ever apparently. I am the quintessential "little sister" "girl next door" type with subtle (and occasionally powerful) sex appeal, a history of saying incredibly inappropriate things and being involved in minor scandals that would make me perfect for politics. The voiceover thing seems a bit out of reach, so I may just audition for a reality show instead. Big Brother casts in the spring. The kids have already told me they would support this endeavor. I'm thinking about Survivor too, the only drawback is eating the yucky stuff in the food challenge. Maybe the Amazing Race.

Five years ago, wanting leather pants might have been included on this list. Looking back on it, I don't think I ever really wanted leather pants. I wanted to have the option of wearing them and looking fantastic in the moment. Now I think leather pants are only reserved for people like Steven Tyler, David Hasselhoff, that magician who married Claudia Schiffer whose name escapes me at the moment and other celebrities who are really popular in Germany.

I also used to want to be a spy but that conflicts with the being famous thing in a major way. I'm really good at getting people to spill secrets though AND I'd be paid to tell them to important peoplefor the perceived greater good. How sweet would that be?!

After that, the list of demands fizzles. Plenty of other things I want, but most of them I could get on my own if I just had available cash and time. Like: Jump out of a plane (with a working parachute of course), complete home make over including furniture, drum kit, the ability to juggle, an annual month in a villa on the Mediterranean coast of Spain to perfect my Spanish and get a really good tan and to write a book with, for and about my Dad.

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