Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Mental Meandering

I've stopped drinking recently. Note the use of the word "stopped" rather than "quit." I'm not taking any moral high ground. This isn't even court-ordered. I am just so profoundly broke that I cannot afford my usual nightly escape. This turn of events does not suck as much as I thought it would. Slightly depressing, yes, but I begrudgingly concede that not hitting the snooze button 17 times every morning is a good thing. Even on nights like this when it's stupid amounts of late and I still can't turn my brain off to sleep…I'll wake up bright eyed at 6:22 tomorrow and get children happily off to school with requisite vat of coffee in hand (my hand, not theirs of course). I may walk a few miles after that, there could be lunges and free weights happening as well. That's another benefit to my accidental sobriety and unemployment; I have lots of time to work out again…I can't promise crunches though…I'm only human.

So anyway, I can't sleep and rather than allow the following topics to keep me awake any longer, I am sharing them with you…now they can keep you awake. You are welcome.

The Neverending Wine Glass: I attended "Supper Club" last Saturday night and experienced what I'll call The Neverending Wine Glass. The Neverending Wine Glass helped me turn into a complete idiot. Let's just say I was very talkative…even more than usual. Only some of what I said was making sense by the night's end (yeah, commence with the eye rolling…I was adorable). That's definitely a sign that the night is oooo-verrrr (and probably should have ended at least a couple hours before).

If I [am allowed to] participate in Supper Club again, two things will happen: 1) I will set an alarm to leave no later than 10 and 2) I will stick with beer.

Hanukkah: My gas tank light was on for DAYS and miraculously I was able to get from place to place anyway…sometimes in cases of extreme unction, well, maybe not extreme unction…but there was some kind of unction involved I am sure. This seems pretty significant. I was wondering if I should celebrate Hanukkah this year. I'm not eschewing the tree or Santa or having a crisis of faith, but I think lighting a menorah might be appropriate. This only sounds like I'm kidding.

Being Famous Anyway: I thought I was going to have a job by now. I thought that surely I would have been discovered as a major vocal talent by NOW. Not singing of course (that ship sailed after All City Chorus in 6th grade), voice overs for commercials. See, they said my voice has a "sellable quality" but because I lack professional experience they recommend a voice coach to get more polished. Crap. Even if I had the money, I really do not feel like spending $400 on a voice coach. Although, now that I think of it, I did spend $400 for bartending school a million years ago and that was certainly worth it (seriously, I could barely make a Gin and Tonic before 1996), maybe this will be the same. I need a job to finance my dream job. This is probably less unusual than I feel like it should be.

The Starter Wife: I really don't want to like this show. Call me crazy, but Deborah Messing strikes me as annoying…or at least I feel like she is. But then I watch her, and she's not as annoying as I remember her to be. Anyway, I caught a rerun of The Starter Wife two hour season opener and I think I have been effectively sucked in. Damnit.

Text Messaging: I don't fucking get it. I mean, how long do you text? When is a phone call appropriate? How long do you wait between texts? Do I text first after a few days or do I wait for him to man-up and start the next inane volley?

I have a book with a chapter about this somewhere, although I haven't been able to find it for over a month and now wonder if I maybe (shudder) threw it away. For me, the woman with random pieces of paper and other stupidity dating back to the previous millennium floating around everywhere, this seems completely implausible…but…I can't find that freakin' book ANYwhere. I think a higher power is hiding it from me. I think this means I am not destined to start dating someone via text.

Korean Air Lines: Why does this look like a commercial for Tiffany & Co.?

Brain Cancer: A rumor has spread that my X has brain cancer. I am not responsible for the rumor; in fact I find it funny because the whole idea of it is founded on the premise that he has a brain. However, it would take a wildly creative person to come up with a rumor about him that wasn't at least somewhat based in fact…so it's kind of true…but not really…and not fatal.

One morning in May I thought it might have been fatal for about three hours and I was shocked to feel a little panicked at the prospect. Shocked I tell you. Then I met him for lunch that day to find out the real story. What he actually has is a fatty mass in his head…apparently there's some vacant space in there that needed filling. Brain cancer…puh-lease.

But he wanted comforting words y'know, something to focus on for the long haul. So I told him "Don't worry. You'll die someday, just not from this."

New Friend: I just met someone online that I probably should have met years ago. I heard her name all the time, but it was in such a context that she became practically mythic to me and I thought…I could never approach such a person. I'm not worthy. I finally got over that uncharacteristic idiocy today (after eleven years mind you) and we emailed back and forth and…she seems really cool. No wonder all the guys I used to hang out with held her in such high regard. I am looking forward to meeting her in person. I have a feeling it will be an afternoon full of "me TOO!" moments…at least, that's how it's looking so far.

The Campaign: Now it's REALLY late and there's so much I think about that…I'll have to save it for another blog. I'll leave you with this though, notice how McCain has taken to hopping and waving on stage the last day or so? It makes him look really short.

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