Me: He-ey. How've you been?
Him: Great. I waved to you earlier but you didn't wave back.
Me: Oh, sorry. I didn't see that. Busy taking pictures.
Him: Who're you here with?
Me: Just hangin' with the fam like regular.
Him: Don't tell me you didn't at least bring a male companion.
Me: Dude, I couldn't get a date with a taser and a net. (This has been my standard line for the last four years. It's not entirely true. I probably wouldn't need the net, just an accomplice for lifting purposes. Audrey?)
Him: That can't be true. I'm sure there's a ton of people here who'd...y'know....
Me: [Surveys the crowd. Redneck, overweight, married, senior citizen or some combination thereof. Sees where this is headed]
Him: One in particular...hint, hint
Me: [Raises eyebrow. Yeah, because I might have missed your debonair subtlety a second ago?]
Him: You know, I'm just sayin'. I'm married and all but...I've been a fan for a while. Ever since Jan Brady gave me those pictures of you laying out in a bikini on your deck in high school.
Me: She did what?!
Him: Yeah. You remember that white bikini...?
Me: [grimaces] mm-hmm
Him: I guess she took those pictures through a window and gave me some. Oh, don't worry, they were very...uh...flattering.
Me: [Waits for earth to open up and swallow me. Knows everytime I see him now, I will imagine him whacking off to my bikini pictures. great.]
And then people came over to chat thankgod. I made a polite but hasty exit.
WHAT THE FUCK, JAN BRADY?!
By the way, she is probably reading this right now and laughing herself to tears thinking, "Well, you do need to get laid..." No shit. Thanks for the reminder. But god DAMMIT - who the hell else did she give pictures to? There were quite a few hot surfers in our neighborhood (that guy wasn't one of them) that I used to walk down to the beach and watch back in the day. Did they have my picture between their mattresses too? Was I the super-secret neighborhood pin-up? I think that would have been helpful to know at the time.
So now I don't know whether to feel flattered or creeped out beyond all human imagination. But, whatever, bygones and all. Do NOT do that again, please? I am perfectly capable of taking my own soft core photos these days thankyouverymuch.
But anyway, back to the balls-out propositioning. It has recently been brought to my attention that I've got the ewwy-gooey seduction, lava lamp thing going on, right? Okay, but could we please, universe, find a balance between social siberia and super-secret sex kitten?
I am perfectly willing to accept that this may be a muffin of my own design. Sort of. But it's not like my only two speeds are elbow-deep-in-laundry and swinging-off-a-pole. I don't slut it up when I go out with friends or to a family freakin' barbecue. I usually look like some variation of this:
And while that may inspire a "Let's just skip the restaurant..." kind of evening for some...it's doesn't necessarily for me. And at least put in some EFFORT for chrissakes. Courtship? Anyone? No? Gah!
And don't be married.
This is not too much to ask.
4 comments:
Wow, I'm not sure if I'm more appalled at your sister or the completely tactless married guy. Probably your sis, although at least she passed around a flattering pic of you.
The only way Jan Brady is defensible in this scenario is that she was probably about 12 when it happened. She would not have known at the time what nefarious purposes those pictures would serve.
The guy was about 18 and would have said something innocent, like, "Gosh, I think your sister's real purty. Do you have any pictures of her? Could you take some?"
Ah, the pre-internet days when guys had to do leg work for teen porn.
That might be one of the funniest stories I have ever heard.
High praise, Jodi. Thank you.
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