Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Axe Practice Anyone?

As NBF1 would say, "Holy Guacamole!" because she is very polite and rarely swears, days in a row of happy things!  Has my well of WTF dried up?  Of course not, don't be daft.

Audrey sent me an email so horrifying I gaped! and gasped! and clapped my hand to my mouth in terror! and caused Dad's office manager a great deal of concern because the last time I exhibited this kind of dramatic display I was reading about where this evangelical preacher in Alabama did some pretty foul fucking shit to his family involving sex and death and sociopathic depravity.  If you want to dramatically display disbelief at how evil people can be Here's The Link or you can just keep reading a less sexy deathy tale.

What could Audrey have written to illicit this response?  Obviously she's typing and not stuffed in a freezer so, *whew* and stuff.  She told me about some thing Dennis, her villainous fiancee had done over the weekend in the casual omgwtf, reality check please? way I usually find out about Dennis and his idiocy.

Okay, here goes.  Audrey and Dennis needed to run a quick errand.  Asked the neighbor to keep an eye on Audrey's 8 year old kid for a sec.  They start driving away, see a gang of Huffy's chasing after the car and realize, "Crap, we forgot to tell the kid we were stepping out!"  Innocent mistake.  Happens sometimes.

Here's where lies the crux.  Do you stop, turn around and tell the kid you're running up to CVS and brb and neighbor is home base for a sec?  Or do you keep driving because it's just over there and you'll be back in 10 minutes, no big deal?

(Jeopardy music)

Well, if you're Dennis, the smarmy son of a bitch we at Silver Thinks wish we could kill on a daily basis, you act like the brattiest kid to ever pound on the floor of a Wal-Mart like this:
"Jesus christ, you're serious?! He's going to be fucking 27 years old before he's not treated like a fucking baby.  Let me stop and turn around so you can let him know.  I can't fucking believe this. Why don't we just go back and I'll stay home and you go by yourself. That way the kid has someone at home for him." He slams on the breaks, makes over exaggerated movements of u-turning, usual hyperness.
Which is grounds for a smack upside the head in my opinion...but I have rage issues probably, so we'll forget about that.  Then he reached the kids and this happened.  Oh the gasping on my part...
Smarmy Dennis: Your mom wanted me to let you know that we're going to CVS and we'll be right back. Feel better knowing?
Sweet 8 Year Old Kid: Yeah, I mean, I was like wondering what was going on and I yelled for you to stop and you didn't.
Smarmy Dennis: I didn't think I had to answer to you and we were going to be right back
EXCUSE ME?!  "I didn't think I had to answer to YOU?!"   Somebody give me an axe because I'm not that great at aiming but I'd sure like a shot at cleaving that guy's giant melon.  For the record guys, if you EVER in a million years talk to me or the Things like that you will have just unwittingly uttered the last words of your natural life. 

If you're Audrey?  You bicker for the 75 hundred millionth god damned time about who she loves more all afternoon.  And save the event for a "What I Did Over the Weekend" email to me.

And I demanded, using the F word many, many times, that she break up with him immediately or at the very least let me use him for axe practice.  And she asked me if I was sure, and maybe he's a good guy underneath and she really didn't want to hurt his feelings.  And after I took some aspirin and bandaged up my bleeding head because...brick walls, y'all.  Ouch.  That one was a DOOZY.  I told her this:
I understand why you are concerned about hurting someone's feelings. totally. However, let's take a step back for a second, shall we? Dennis is the Puppet Master, yes? Dennis does wicked things to people all the time whether he's aware of how deeply it hurts them or not, we agree? So, if we apply the Golden Rule, or karma, or myriad "you grew it, you chew it" pearls of reflexive logic to this knotty problem...we may arrive at this:
You shouldn't give a flying fuck about his feelings.
This a very important time to be selfish and stand flat on your own two feet and put yourself FIRST. Feelings be damned. Break ups fucking suck no matter what. This will be no different no matter how delicately you state your case. I further submit, my human jacuzzi friend, that the more delicately you handle this situation the less likely you are to get fucking out of it.

Remember that photo from le blog of the chick with the axe? Be that woman. 
And yeah, he's gonna hurl every hurtful thing he's ever thrown or thought of throwing right at your general head and heart area and that is all the more reason for you to gather your strength and stand strong against enduring so many nuclear emotional assaults ever again as long as you live so help you god.

And you will cry. And you will forget to eat for days at a time. And you will forget what time it is and even what day for a while. And somewhere in that process you will realize that you're still breathing. You're still living. And you will be free. And know that I love you and want every best thing in the world for you for all of time and after.
Because I care is what I'm saying.  And when you're Junior Counselor to the Free World, that is what you say.  And I paced around looking for that stupid $400.  AND.  I.  FOUND.  IT!!!

And the knot of defeat and loss in my stomach unfurled transforming into a glorious victory banner waving in the wind and I sang praises to the magical power of universal harmony and shining, wondrous love and Rain Forest Butterflies flapped their dog-sized wings around me.  It was a pretty brilliant move to put cash behind the decorative platter on the table in my entryway.  Highly recommended "safekeeping" place.  [facepalm]

Anyway, I have no IDEA what happens next with her.  She'll probably stay with him.  They'll probly get married.  He's planning her birthday party next month.  Can't upset that.  dear god.  Stay tuned.


diane said...

Congratulations on finding the $400!

Anonymous said...

From your blogs in the past, I know Audrey has been concerned about having stability for her child. . having a present father. But what kind of child will be raised that gets talked to you like THAT? I'd freak if someone talked to my child like that. Alright, I'll go back to minding my own business now. :)

Silver said...

Thanks Diane! It was a glorious moment indeed.

And Anonymous ~ Me TOO. Man I was howling for blood that day. Wow.

Anonymous said...