Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Confessional

In the car on the way home from work I talked with my father and ticked of the list of everything I have neglected lately.  All the things that fueled my hormonal firestorm yesterday and had me in tears on the floor.  Reunion planning, end of school year minutiae, kids' summer schedules, getting ready for the garage remodel, blogapalooza details, Cindy Brady's graduation party and gift, Jan Brady's baby shower and gift, etc.  My life makes a three ring circus look like the pony ride at a kiddie party.

It's all stuff I'm sure I've griped about not getting done here plenty of times but the thing hanging over my head most is the car.  It is the thing I least want to bring up in the world and also the most important.  It is the closet door that once opened can never be closed until all the crap is sorted through and dealt with.  And I'm terrified to write it out.  But I know I have to because as soon as I decided I would - rings of chaos in my personal circus started to calm down. 

I really shouldn't be driving.  Shouldn't have been all year.  I need to renew my tags, get special insurance and get an ignition interlock installed once I am granted my restricted license.  Because I got a DUI last year.

Coming home from a night out, turning into my neighborhood...Rollers.  oh fuck.  broken tail light.  I decided to head to my driveway instead of stop four houses down the street.  It seemed reasonable to me at the time.  But not to the cop.  He thought I was evading.  He called in back up.  Within minutes, there were 4 cruisers in and around my driveway with every light flashing.  And after a soul crushing field sobriety test, I was put in handcuffs and driven away.

And this is why I don't stand with my kids at the bus stop anymore.

I spent the month of July last year in jail.  My conspicuous absence from facebook is something still remarked about even now.  Evade, evade, tapdance, lie.  I know some people know, probably more than I'd like to think.  My offense inspired my former charity of choice to ask for my resignation from the Board of Directors.

There are and were many other hurdles to clear, but this ignition interlock - the car breathalyzer thing - is staring me in the face very soon.  That along with all the other everyday things I've been avoiding has made me realize that shutting my brain off at 8 pm each night until I pour myself into bed isn't working anymore.  It never really did.  I just never tried to take so much on at once before.  But I know now, it's time to quit drinking. 

It's only been a few days but it feels like the right thing to do.

And when I decided during the car ride home that every post would be horribly clunky until I came clean with this, I felt like I could breathe.  And when I came home?  Two emails.  BlogHer ticket confirmation number.  And a roommate for the conference in August.  And I found a good deal on a plane ticket not long after that. 

This means something.  This is important.  This IS where I'm supposed to be.

And I realize I have been projecting far too much on my friends and family lately when I should have turned that advice around on myself.  I should have opened my own closet door and faced this a long time ago. 

I will say, it's a lot less scary to open the door when you watch somebody else go first and survive.

So that has been the big thing I wasn't sure if I was ever going to get into.  If you stick around, I might tell you all about What I Did Last Summer.  One solid month of WTF moments.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are brave and I love you! NBF#1

diane said...

Wow. As NBF#1 says, you are brave. Good luck with ending the chaos.

Mez said...

I concur with the previous two comments. You got this!

92.9 The Wave's Jennifer Roberts said...

Oh. My. Well,(*cliche alert*)what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, maybe? Will you blog about your July experience?

Silver said...

Thanks you guys. And cliches are okay, they work when they need to. Let the chaos quelling begin!

I'm sure I'll be writing about my "Summer Camp" experience. If I've told you this much already, you should at least get to read that collection of, "wait, what?!" at some point.

Audrey said...

SO PROUD of you. I know this couldn't have been easy to share w/ the masses. Super hero status in my eyes.

SHAbang said...

"Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind" - Dr. Seuss

Checked out your blog on occasion but felt that the above quote was an appropriate first comment for this particular entry.

I know we aren't running around in the same circles anymore (or is it just running in circles?? Ha!) but you are still one of the awesomest people I know.

-- Sharon

Silver said...

That means a lot to me, Sharon. Thank you. And backatcha. Congratulations on SHAbang's success and all the other things you have going on. Great job!

studioeightonesix said...

Life is nothing more than random mistakes, Silver. Some of them turn out to be the best "mistakes" ever. Some, not so much. As embarrassing as getting a DUI may be, you showed some real balls by coming clean. I love reading someone's thoughts when they are pure, honest, and real. I know we have only been twitter/blog acquaintances for a little while now, but this has, by far, made me a true fan of yours. Kudos, kid.

Silver said...

Thanks, TJ. I appreciate that. Everything happens for a reason, whether we know what that is or not at the time. It all seems circular to me and connected in ways I never would have seen coming. That is very cool. Glad to have "met" you. :)

Anonymous said...

Silver - I stumbled onto your blog a couple weeks ago (I am also a FCHS class of 1990 survivor...go to the reunion? will I? won't I? Who the hell knows as of now!)

I also got a DUI, spent the night in jail and had a lovely year with a restricted license. This all happened about 10 years ago but the shame and embarrassment I still feel. And I still don't ever speak of it among friends.

You will get past this. It does not define the quality of the person you are. You made a mistake. Eventually you will let yourself off the hook. You understand that good people f-up and need compassion. That makes you a better person and a better mother.

Oh, and screw the neighbors. The secrets most of them are hiding in their closets would make THIS look tame. :)

Silver said...

Thank you for your words of encouragement. It's nice to be reminded of these things.

And please join us at the reunion. Since I'm running the show, I hope you can tell it will be a "check your bullshit at the door" party. Hope to see you there. Thanks again.

jerrod said...

i know i'm late to this post but for what it's worth....

thanks silver.