Thursday, June 24, 2010

I Need More Dresses

I need more dresses. 100% cotton summer dresses, not the jersey knit kind because I have a couple of those and they stick to me in this humidity.  I want the dresses you can see through when the light hits them a certain way.  Then it's all *oops!* which is more sexy because it's sneaky and unexpected. 

Plus, wearing even casual dresses makes it look like I put some effort into my "look" even when all I wanted to do was throw something on without having to match it to anything else and also just have it touch my skin as little as possible because it's so hot I feel like I live in a terrarium but I really shouldn't complain because I could go inside where the air conditioning is but I'd rather sit outside on the deck even though it is 42 Thousand Degrees in the shade because inside is where the laundry is and even though I folded it, if you think you can make me put it away right this minute you're delusional, probably from the heat, but if you want to go inside and cool off that's fine.  Just don't knock over the 35 piles of clothes on the sofa because I would hate to have to kill you.  I just cleaned the floor.

But anyway, dresses.  I've wanted more of them ever since getting hooked on Dexter last fall.  I wouldn't exactly steal Rita's wardrobe but it certainly inspired me.  I already wear skirts a lot but that pesky matching issue comes up with two pieces and even though my mother drilled into my head the value of a Mix and Match wardrobe for 35 years it's still a hassle, okay?  And she never taught me how to accessorize so I usually choose bright colored clothing to look less plain, except for the last couple years of my marriage when everything I wore was either khaki or grey because I was accidentally pretending to be invisible which reminds me of when I was younger and I'd get bored while my mother was shopping and freeze like I was a mannequin but people probably just knew I was a weird 10 year old real live girl instead.

Okay, back to dresses.  Do you know how many times I have Googled this topic in the past week?  At least 87 times.  Because not only do I need dresses for the 42 Thousand Degrees of heat which actually feels like 42 Million Degrees because of humidity and I am either going to burst into flame or melt any second now but I am NOT going back in until there's something good on TV, I also need dresses for Blogapalooza.  Dresses that make the right impression on Le Blogosphere and the general Midtown Manhattan set and the clothes I have right now are not going to cut it.  I know this because of when X and I went on our honeymoon to San Francisco and I wore my regular, perfectly suited for Pleasant Valley clothes and I felt like an idiot and I wasn't even trying to make an impression on people then but I got weird looks and even though "fuck 'em, who cares" *I* care.  And I can't freeze like a mannequin in the middle of a 1000+ person conference and pretend like I am invisible because that would be the opposite of the point of even attending and also very out of character for me because I am a vibrant, outgoing, lava lamp of a person most of the time when I am in public. 

My Vice Minion even compared me to a Venus Flytrap at the beach on Saturday which I am choosing to take as a compliment because I am pretty sure he was referring to how those are all fascinating  to look at and very seductive until they paralyze you with poison and eat you alive.  Because danger is sexy.  And his wife wasn't there.

Men require some translation but as long as I remind myself that most of their thoughts boil down to sex, death and food I can usually decipher what they're trying to say.

Anyway, dresses.  The search is on.

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